CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR #2
Her lips parted, stunned. Then her face darkened, and her eyes gleamed knowingly…
and accusingly. “And then your rules in the marriage contract take over,” she whispered.
“The ones giving you, alone, complete authority over Alice’s upbringing, and I no longer have any say.
Including sending her to live with the Wentworths. ”
When she put it like that…Christ. He began to pace. Remaining still was impossible beneath her accusing gaze, and beneath his own guilt.
“I want what’s best for her, I truly do.” He raked his fingers through his hair and prayed he could make her understand. “If a better life awaits her somewhere else, then doesn’t she deserve that? Isn’t it my responsibility to give that life to her?”
“It won’t be better.” She stepped in front of him and made him halt in his steps.
She rested both hands on his biceps, although he wasn’t certain if the touch was meant to provide reassurance…
or keep him from leaving the argument before she could win it.
“She’s already lost her mother. What you’re suggesting takes her father away, too. Can’t you see that?”
“What I see is Clarissa,” he confided. “Every time I look at Alice, I see the memory of the hell that woman put me through, her lies, the deceit and manipulation… What she put all of us through, including her own daughter.” He bit down a curse and looked away. “How do I not see that?”
“By simply loving Alice,” she answered quietly, her voice thick with emotion. “Love her for who she is, not where she came from.”
“And if I can’t do that? If Clarissa’s hatred burned that out of me, too?
” He stepped back, and her hands fell away, empty, to her sides.
“What kind of life would that be for Alice if she knows every time her father looks at her he’s regretting ever marrying her mother?
That he curses the night that brought her into existence in the first place? ”
A stricken expression gripped her face. “You wouldn’t do that, not if you let yourself love her.”
“You’re asking for the impossible.”
She stared at him for a long moment, as if she simply couldn’t fathom him—or more likely, as if she were staring at a stranger. Perhaps he was exactly that to her after all.
Then her shoulders slumped in defeat, and she whispered, “I’ve failed you.”
Worry panged inside him. “What do you mean?”
“All these weeks, all the effort to bring you and Alice together, all the hours and worry and doubts, they’ve all proven futile in the end.
” She shrugged a shoulder, but the small gesture was little more than a grimace.
“I wanted a second chance with the man fate had taken from me, but you…” She waved her hand in his direction, then shook her head.
“You’re not him. You’re not the man I knew.
That man would never send away the child he’s sworn to protect and raise and—” She choked. “And love.”
The sting of that was biting, but he knew better than to deny her accusation. “Of course I’m not the same. Neither are you. Too much has happened during the past five years to pretend it never happened. For both of us.”
“I never wanted to accept that, but you…” Her eyes grew watery as she stared at him. “You realized it from the beginning. That’s why you had all your rules for our marriage contract because you knew the damage a bad marriage could do.”
“Yes.” God help me, I didn’t want you to be hurt.
“And you’ve been nothing but honest with me. After all, you told me the first day that love would never enter into our marriage.”
He stiffened. Christ. How many times had he wished he could take back that damned day? “We can redo the contract and make whatever changes you’d like.”
“We cannot contract love. Mr. Putnam might be a good lawyer, but I don’t think even he can stipulate that.” She gave a sad smile, but her teasing fell flat. Then so did her smile. “I can’t do this anymore, Gabe.”
Dread tightened his chest. “What are you saying, Helena?”
She stared at him, and with each passing heartbeat, he saw the tears swell larger in her watery eyes. “I’m saying,” she rasped out, her voice hoarse with emotion, “that we can’t be married in the morning.”
Her words were barely louder than a breath, yet each struck with the force a blade to his belly. He could barely fathom what she was saying. “No.” Then he repeated, as if he could erase her words. “No, there’s—”
He reached for her, only to catch empty air as she stepped away. He pulled in a deep, steadying breath, but even that wasn’t enough to fight down the rising panic.
No, God damn it! He wouldn’t let fate steal this second chance from him.
“There’s no reason to call off the wedding,” he said calmly despite the churning in his chest that felt like a roiling knot of razor blades.
Dear God, how did he manage to keep standing when the world was spinning around him?
“Alice’s future doesn’t have to be decided tonight.
We’ll discuss what’s best for her after all the—”
“No.” A look of desolation darkened her face. “This isn’t about Alice.” She shook her head, and the frustration he witnessed in her melted into desolation. “I can’t do it, Gabe. I can’t fight against a dead woman and win.”
“I am not asking you do to that.”
“But you are, every time you consider sending Alice way because she reminds you too much of Clarissa, and every time you make love to me with your entire body and soul but can’t bring yourself to say that you love me.
” She pressed her fist against her chest, as if needing to remind her heart to keep beating.
“I thought we’d gotten past the distrust you held for me because of her, thought we’d exorcised her ghost…
” Her watery green eyes searched his face.
“But she still haunts you—even now I can see it—and I don’t know how to end that. ”
He raked his fingers through his hair while outside the window raucous laughter rose up from the lawn.
The interruption was an unwanted reminder that tonight was their engagement party and should have been the happiest night of their lives, until tomorrow…
“Do you want me to say that I love you, Helena? Is that what you want? Fine. I’ll say it. I love—”
“Don’t you dare!” She darted forward to place her hand to his lips and silence him. “Don’t you dare make a mockery of all we’ve shared by saying it only because I’ve forced you.”
When she bit back a soft sob and caressed her shaking fingers across his cheek, the light touch shivered through him.
“I deserve a real marriage, Gabe, in every way. That includes love. And I will never have that as long as you’re still connected to Clarissa, even if that connection is only one of hatred.” She paused, then added softly, “Alice deserves better, too.”
“Calling off our wedding is not the answer.” At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to sweep her into his arms and carry her off into the night, where nothing could ever come between them again.
But that was only fantasy. Losing her before had taught him the risks of trusting too much in fantasy and dreams. Tonight, though, was nothing but brutal reality.
“Then what is the answer, Gabe? Because I can’t reach back in time and stop her from hurting you.
I can’t make her apologize or pay reparations for what she did.
” She placed her hand on his chest, right over his heart.
“And I can’t heal the wounds she put here.
” She rubbed his chest as if she wished she could simply will the past away.
“I thought I could, but I was wrong.” Her hand dropped away.
“The only person who can heal those are you.”
With a look of equal parts anguish and resolve, she took a single step back, but the distance gaped between them like an icy chasm.
“There will be no wedding tomorrow,” she said with firm determination, as if to convince herself as much as him. “I can’t marry a man who doesn’t love me or our children.” Her voice choked. “All of them, even the one who isn’t ours.”