Chapter 23 #2
Seraphina took a deep breath, placing both hands flat on the table as if anchoring herself to reality.
“I will admit that I am at the absolute threshold of an intense physical reaction,” Seraphina conceded, looking Euphemia dead in the eye.
“I will even admit that the sensation is overwhelming at times. But I am certain, absolutely, scientifically certain, that it is not love. Love is a deep, emotional, spiritual commitment. What I am experiencing is a baseline attraction, and physical attraction can always be managed, all right? It can be controlled, mitigated, and dissolved.”
Seraphina turned to Leonora, then back to Euphemia, leaning in to press her point. “Euphemia, admit the truth of human nature to me right now. Is it not true that attraction can fade? Is it not true that a simple, instinctual urge can completely disappear once the initial novelty of it wears off?”
Euphemia let out a resigned sigh. “Yes, Seraphina. Physical attraction, on its own, can fade.”
“Precisely,” Seraphina declared, a victorious spark returning to her eyes as she slapped her hand lightly against the table. “It is fleeting. It will pass.”
“But do you really want it to pass?” Euphemia asked.
“Because as Leonora pointed out, you traveled all the way from Norwyn Manor to Mayfair today just to tell us that you have not seen your husband in a week. From the moment you sat down on that settee this morning, you have looked utterly, profoundly disappointed. Is that truly what you want, Seraphina? Do you wish for this feeling to simply die away?”
“Yes!” she answered almost immediately. “I really do. With all of my heart.”
“Does that disappointment not mean something to you, sister?”
Seraphina slumped slightly against the cushions, the wind completely taken out of her sails. She looked down at her lap, her fingers twisting the fabric of her skirt as she confronted the truth of her own frustration.
“I... I do not know why I am so disappointed,” Seraphina confessed quietly, her defense finally cracking to reveal the confusion beneath. “It makes no sense. Perhaps... perhaps it is simply because we had developed a habit of speaking to one another.”
She looked up at her sisters then. “We talked about everything. Whenever I had a new idea for my column, whenever I was drafting a complex argument regarding natural philosophy... I would tell him about it. He would not brush me off. He would sit across from me in his study, or in the library, listen to every word, and counter my theories with brilliant logic of his own. He challenged my mind and I liked that a lot. Because of him, I had to do a lot more reading.”
Seraphina let out a breath that was half-sigh, half-laugh. “Did you know that he is actually a fan of my published work?”
Euphemia smiled back, nodding her head. “Yes, you did mention.”
“He really is,” Seraphina murmured, a small, fond smile touching her lips despite her best efforts.
“He keeps copies of my column in his study. He admitted to me that he reads them because he admires the way I think. He respects my mind. He does not view me as a delicate, foolish creature to be managed or sheltered. He treats me as an intellectual equal.”
She looked between her two sisters, and then shook her head.
“A person who engages my mind like that, who respects my intellect and stands toe-to-toe with me in debate, is important to me,” Seraphina explained softly. “He had become a friend to me. A true friend. I suppose... I suppose I was simply eager to speak with him this week.”
She gestured helplessly with her hand. “My latest edition was published three days ago. Before he began this ridiculous vanishing act, he had actually recommended a specific advisory for me to include. I took his advice. I incorporated his recommendation into the text, and the final print turned out extraordinarily well. People really like it. It’s funny.
I simply wanted to show him the published copy.
I wanted to tell him that his suggestion...
though a joke at the time, was brilliant, and that I was grateful for his input. ”
She looked down at the table. “But I have not seen him, to give it to him. That is why I am distracted. That is why I am annoyed. I am simply missing the presence of an intellectual colleague.”
Euphemia’s expression softened completely, the teasing light in her eyes vanishing. “Perhaps you simply miss your friend.”
Seraphina looked up, meeting Euphemia’s eyes, a wave of relief washing over her. “Yes... yes, exactly. That is all it is. I miss my friend.”
The tension in the room dissipated, leaving a sweet moment of understanding between them. Seraphina took a deep breath, feeling as though she had finally anchored her chaotic emotions back onto solid ground.
It was a good idea to seek her sisters out.
As the silence settled, Seraphina turned her head to look at Leonora, who had remained unusually quiet throughout the entire debate.
Leonora was leaning back against the settee, her gaze fixed entirely on the cold, empty fireplace. Her hands were folded tightly in her lap, her knuckles white, and her expression was distant, shadowed by a troubled cloud that had nothing to do with Seraphina or William.
Seraphina narrowed her eyes, studying her sister’s rigid posture.
“Leo?” Seraphina asked gently, breaking the quiet. “You have barely uttered a dozen words ever since we began this conversation. You look completely distracted again.”
Seraphina gave her a knowing look, her keen observational skills instantly switching focus. “Are you still conducting that... search of yours? The search you promised us you would put aside?”
Leonora flinched slightly, her eyes snapping toward Seraphina. She straightened her back instantly, pulling an impenetrable mask of composure over her features.
“I am fine, Seraphina,” Leonora said smoothly. “I am certainly not doing anything foolish. We are discussing your marriage today, not my private endeavors. Let us keep the focus where it belongs.”
Seraphina did not buy the deflection for a single second. She turned her head slightly to exchange a quick, knowing look with Euphemia across the table. Euphemia met her gaze, a worried, anxious expression crossing her face, confirming Seraphina’s suspicions.
Leonora caught the unspoken communication between them instantly.
“Oh, stop it!” Leonora snapped softly, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “Stop looking at each other like that. I see precisely what you are doing, and I am telling you both to leave it alone.”
“Leonora, we only care about your safety,” Seraphina insisted gently, leaning across the table toward her. “You know how dangerous this path is. How many times must Euphemia and I remind you of the risks? We do not want to see you get hurt if you keep relentlessly chasing this.”
“I said, no, Seraphina, please,” Leonora said, defensively. She paused, taking a quick, shuddering breath. “Please... can we please not discuss me today? I am not feeling particularly cheerful at the moment, and dwelling on it will only make my mood far worse. I beg of you... leave it be.”
Seraphina and Euphemia exchanged another glance. Recognizing the pain in Leonora’s voice, Seraphina yielded, letting out a soft sigh.
“Very well,” Seraphina murmured gently. “We will leave it be for today.”
Euphemia, seeking to banish the clouds hanging over the room, clapped her hands together with a sudden enthusiasm.
“Right then!” she declared, forcing a brilliant, cheerful smile onto her face as she stood up from her chair.
“This room has become entirely too serious. We have debated biology, we have argued over husbands, and we have brooded over secrets. I propose an immediate change of scenery!”
Leonora looked up, a skeptical smile touching her lips. “What do you have in mind, Effie?”
“Ices!” Euphemia announced. “We are going to Gunter’s in Berkeley Square. We shall sit under the trees, order an absurd amount of raspberry ice, and pretend for one glorious hour that none of us have a single care in the world.”
Seraphina couldn’t help but laugh, the lingering weight in her chest lifting slightly. “Ice in the middle of the afternoon? Lady Byron would thoroughly disapprove.”
“Which makes it an absolute imperative,” Euphemia laughed, grabbing Seraphina’s hands and pulling her up from the chair. “Come along, both of you. I will not accept a refusal.”
Leonora let out a small laugh, rising to her feet and smoothing her skirts. “Very well. Ices it is.”
As the three sisters gathered their bonnets, pelisses, and parasols, laughing and chatting as they made their way down the staircase of the Mayfair house, Seraphina walked a few steps behind them, her mind drifting backward once more.
She pulled her bonnet ribbons tight, tying a neat bow beneath her chin, but her thoughts were miles away, anchored securely back at Norwyn Manor.
Perhaps Euphemia was right about one thing.
She had spent weeks analyzing William as a Duke, as a business partner, and as an overwhelming presence that threw her bodily functions into chaos. But she had never truly paused to evaluate the fundamental transformation that had occurred beneath the surface of their verbal sparring.
‘Has it really come to this?’ she asked herself silently, watching her sisters laugh as they boarded the carriage. ‘Have I reached a point where I view William Carlton not as a threat to my independence, but as my closest friend and confidant?’
If he was merely her friend... why did his week-long absence leave a cold, hollow ache in the center of her chest, as though a vital piece of her soul was missing?