Chapter 19
Agnes sucked in a breath.
He’d said it as if he really meant it. That was the trouble. That was the thing she hadn’t been planning for. He was kneeling there and looking up at her as if he really meant what he was saying.
It hadn’t been meant to go like this.
When she had whispered her list item in his ear at the ball—I want to refuse a proposal of marriage, she had said—she had pictured something altogether different.
She had thought he would look at her with a wry smile on his face and say the words Will you marry me as if they were a mutually understood joke.
There would be laughter from both of them as she volleyed it back to him—Of course I won’t marry you, you goose. And then they would move on.
She hadn’t imagined it like this.
Right now, it was impossible to laugh. It was impossible to look at this man who was staring at her so sincerely, who had just made the point that the two of them were sharing a serious moment of their lives, and brush him off.
Could she even say no to him?
The thought hit her out of nowhere, like a bolt of lightning, and she physically recoiled.
Of course, she would say no. Of course, that was the right thing to do—it was what they had both agreed would be done.
This was why she had been careful to say that this particular list item required trust—because if she said yes to him now, she would be trapping him.
And yet, looking into his eyes now…she wanted to say yes. She wanted to make this real.
He wouldn’t necessarily be forced to marry her.
But he would be in an extremely difficult situation, because everyone in London knew of their courtship.
Because her brother knew about it, and because a maid knew they had been left alone together.
They had been seen dancing together, showing a clear fondness for one another.
If she left this room and announced that she’d accepted a proposal, chances were good that she would be believed.
And that would put him in a predicament.
He hadn’t agreed to that.
Of course, she was going to say no. That had been the agreement.
But she looked down at him, on one knee, gazing up at her with wide, imploring eyes, and for a terrifying heartbeat, that word wouldn’t come.
You can’t. You can’t do it. It doesn’t matter if you want it. It doesn't matter that for the first time in your life, marriage actually sounds appealing. That was never what this was supposed to be, and you would be betraying him.
Don’t betray his trust.
Her head cleared, and once again, her mind was her own. She closed her eyes briefly to try to center her thoughts.
“No,” she said, hating the weakness in her own voice. “I can’t marry you, Your Grace.”
Now would come the laughter. Now he would get to his feet, chuckle, and make some joke about how this had been ridiculous. He would tell her he was glad to have helped her achieve her ambition, but that he hoped the next item on her list wasn’t quite so foolish.
That didn’t happen.
“You’re turning me down?” he asked her.
“I—yes, I’m turning you down.”
“Why? You don’t think this would be a worthy match for you? You don’t think I would make a good husband?”
“You know that isn’t it,” she managed, her voice barely a whisper. Why was he pressing this? What was his goal here? Didn’t he see that she was struggling? Was he going to make her say it again, when she had barely managed to say it the first time?
“You know that I care about you, don’t you?” he asked her.
“I know that.” She wanted to look away from him, but his eyes seemed to have her pinned in place. She felt incapable of even turning her head from him. “What are you doing, Gabriel? What is this?”
“I’m asking you to really think about it,” he said. “You said you wanted this moment. You said you wanted to refuse me.”
“I did refuse you.”
“You said no to me because you thought you had to,” he countered.
“You said no because you promised to say no. It’s that simple.
You didn’t consider the question and make a decision, and that isn’t a real rejection, Agnes.
That’s just…like you said. Saying your lines.
Is that what you want this to be? A recitation? ”
“No,” she whispered.
It was true. When she had made her list, she hadn’t envisioned this item as simple role-play. It did seem like cheating to tell a man to ask for her hand specifically so that she could turn him down. That wasn’t real.
“Are you…really asking me?” she managed. “Is this a real question?”
“You didn’t want to say the words. You wanted to turn down a real proposal,” he said. “That was what you told me. And you can’t do that without a real proposal, so I’m giving you one. A real one.”
“And if I say yes…”
“If you say yes, we’ll be engaged to be married.”
He was watching her closely. He had put so much trust in her, she realized.
He wouldn’t have done this if he had been unwilling to consider the possibility of what might happen.
He wouldn’t have asked her this—not in the way he was, not with all this sincerity—if he wasn’t willing to follow through.
She could accept his proposal right now, and if she did, the two of them would be married. Really married.
She inhaled sharply, feeling a shudder pass through her.
I don’t want that. I don’t. Maybe repeating it to herself would make it true.
“No,” she said. “I’m saying no. I’m not going to marry you.”
“You don’t think I would do it? You don’t think I would want to?”
“I…” She swallowed hard.
“I’m telling you that I will,” he said. “I’m telling you we can get married, and I’ll be happy with that outcome. I’m telling you to say yes to me.”
Maybe he would do it. Maybe he would even be content. But happy? No. He’s only doing this because I asked him to do it. I’m not going to fall into it, no matter how nice it sounds.
She shook her head. “I’m not going to,” she said. “I’m not going to say yes.”
“Why? Because it was on your list to say no? That isn’t a reason,” he told her.
“The list was made so that you would have meaningful experiences in your life, Agnes, and you can’t deny that a marriage would be a massive thing to experience.
Saying yes to me would be a much bigger adventure than saying no would. ”
He was right. Her heart pounded. Her head spun.
“And you know that I could take care of you,” he said.
“I could provide everything you would need for the rest of your life. I’d never make any demands of you.
You would be free to live however you wanted to, and you wouldn’t have to worry about my expectations.
You wouldn’t have to worry about the disdain of society either—that would go away for you.
You would have everything you wanted. There’s no reason to say no to this.
It’s the best offer you could hope to get. ”
He’s right. He’s right. What am I doing? I’ll never get an offer like this one again. And to be married to him…oh, goodness. I’d like it.
She liked Gabriel. She enjoyed the time they spent together.
But it wasn’t the best offer she could hope to get, because it wasn’t real, no matter how real he was making it feel.
She closed her eyes tightly.
“No.” she said, and her voice was firm this time.
“I understand what you’re offering, Gabriel.
Truly I do. If we are both devoted to remaining single, there’s almost no reason not to marry.
To join our fortunes and our lives, and to work together for mutual benefit moving forward.
We’ve already proven to be good at that.
I know I can rely on you, and you on me.
But even so…this was never what I wanted.
It’s not what I want. You’ve given me the experience I asked you for and then some here.
More than I could ever have expected. And I’m saying no. ”
She opened her eyes just in time to watch him rise to his feet.
“All right,” he told her quietly, his eyes searching hers. “You have your answer then, yes? You know what you would say to a proposal if one was offered. You know that you are a spinster by your own choice. You don’t have to doubt it.”
She nodded slowly. “You really did all that to give me such certainty?”
“If we were going to do this at all,” he said, “we were going to do it right. I told you that I committed to helping you with your list, and I meant what I said. We are going to complete the items on that list together, and we’re not going to cheat or do anything halfway.”
She closed her eyes for another moment, remembering what lay ahead on the list and wondering whether he would hold to the same conviction if he knew.
“I really didn’t expect a serious proposal,” she said.
“I wouldn’t have thought you would be capable of giving me one, knowing that I intended to say no to it.
Gabriel…” She trailed off, unsure of what to say. Her heart was beating madly.
I almost said yes.
I could never have said yes. It would have been so wrong.
But there was so much of me that wanted to.
He had done this to prove to her that she would be able to say no to a proposal if one was offered, and that had happened. But now she had to wonder—what if she had felt truly free to say yes?
Had she turned him down because she was certain of her unwillingness to marry?
Or had she done it only because she couldn’t bring herself to betray the fact that she’d told him she wouldn’t accept?
The truth was, she honestly didn’t know.
He nodded. His hand lifted for the barest moment, and she thought perhaps he meant to touch her cheek. She had time to realize that if he tried to do that, she would let him.
“It’s important to know that your life is what you want it to be,” he murmured. “I’m glad you feel confident that you’re living the way you want to live. I’m glad I was able to be a part of this.”
Her breathing was still coming far too fast. Anxiety filled her, and she almost wished he would touch her, if only to break the tension.
She wished the maid was still in the room.
She was grateful that the maid had gone.
“You deserve happiness, whatever that looks like for you,” Gabriel said. “And I don’t want you to doubt my sincerity, Agnes. I was sure you would say no to me. I know you well enough to be certain. But if you had said yes…”
He trailed off without clarifying what he would have done.
She wondered whether he knew.
His hand found hers, and he pulled her close almost unconsciously.
Is he going to kiss me? There’s no possibility he would do that now. Would he?
They were interrupted by a knock at the door.
Agnes pulled back and took a step away, putting several feet of space between the two of them. They couldn’t be caught like this. She stared at him for a moment, waiting to see what he would do, and then hurried toward one of the bookshelves and faced it, her cheeks flaming.
“Come in,” Gabriel said. His voice was strangely quiet.
The door opened, and footsteps entered the room. “Your Grace, you have guests.”
“Thank you. I’ll be right out.”
The footsteps retreated. The door closed again.
Agnes knew that she had been seen. She could only hope the butler hadn’t picked up on the tension in the room. She turned from the shelf. “I should go,” she said quietly.
“You don’t have to. If you would like to stay…”
“No. I should go.” She turned toward the door and hurried out, running quickly through the house. She left through the staff door. Whoever his guests were, she didn’t want to run into them. She wanted to avoid being seen here as much as she possibly could.
What had happened today defied belief.
He had truly been prepared to risk everything. To marry her, if that was the way things had gone. He had trusted that it wouldn’t go that way…but Agnes knew full well that there had been a few heartbeats when it almost had.
And it terrified her.