Chapter 21
Did he really mean it?
Agnes found herself unable to focus on anything in the days following the proposal.
Or maybe it was only a mock-proposal.
Over and over, she asked herself that question. Had it been real? In the moment, it had felt like the most real thing that had ever happened to her in her life. She had been certain that she could accept his proposal and that, in doing so, she would change her world forever.
That was what he wanted me to think, though. And doesn’t that mean it was a ruse? If I had accepted, what would have happened? Would he really have married me? Truly?
How could she possibly be so caught up in these thoughts, she wondered, when she had never wanted to marry him in the first place?
The whole point of the exercise had been for it to play out just as it had—for her to tell him no.
She had been given a chance to waver, but that was a test, and she’d passed it.
That was all she really needed to know here, all she needed to think about.
She had passed the test she’d set for herself.
“My lady?”
She turned. One of her maids stood in the doorway to the sitting room. “Yes?”
“You have a visitor.”
Gabriel!
The thought came into her mind so quickly that she wasn’t prepared for it. Of course it wasn’t him! Why would he be here? “Who—who is it?”
“A young girl. She didn’t give a name. She simply said that she was here to see you.”
Agnes frowned. “You’d better show her in.”
She had a feeling she knew what to expect, and sure enough, a few moments later, Helena appeared in the door to the sitting room. Her eyes were bright and eager, and she looked around with interest. “This is where you live?” she asked. “It’s very nice.”
“Thank you,” Agnes said. “Helena, does your uncle know that you’re here?”
“No,” Helena said. “You’re not going to tell him I came, are you?”
“Where does he think you are?” Agnes asked. “If he’s going to be worried that you’ve gone missing, I can’t very well keep your location from him. That would be cruel.”
“I told him I had gone to visit my friend Cynthia,” Helena said. “She and I have done this for one another before—kept each other’s secrets.”
“Well, you mustn’t do it again,” Helena said severely. “I can’t have you lying to your uncle and coming to my house, Agnes. He’ll be very angry with me if he finds out you’ve done that, and I wouldn’t blame him a bit.”
“So then you are going to tell him?” She deflated slightly. “I thought you would understand, Lady Agnes. You understand what it’s like to be a young woman with men who tell you what to do at every turn. You know how difficult that can be.”
Agnes sighed. “Just Agnes,” she said. “And no, I’m not going to tell your uncle that you were here. But you can’t do it again. Will you promise me that?”
“All right,” Helena said, a little too readily.
“I mean it. If you do this again, I will have to tell him,” Agnes said. “I can cover for you today, but moving forward, I won’t do that.”
“I understand. I’ll speak to him if I want to see you again,” Helena said. “And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you in a difficult position. It was just that I thought you might be able to advise me.”
“Advise you with regards to what?”
Helena sighed and dropped into a chair. “I’m in love,” she said dramatically.
Agnes stared. “You haven’t even made your debut yet, Helena! When did you fall in love?”
“It wasn’t meant to happen,” Helena said, sitting forward. “But sometimes matters of the heart don’t listen to reason. I’m sure you know all about that, don’t you?”
“I’m unmarried, Helena. You know that. I’ve never been in love.”
“Truly, not ever? Not even when you were young? There must have been a time,” Helena said.
“There must have been at least one time when you met someone and fell for him. When looking into someone’s eyes rewrote everything you thought you knew about the world.
Can you really tell me it’s never happened? ”
“It’s never happened,” Agnes said firmly.
But a part of her wondered—was that really true?
Or was she ignoring what was staring her right in the face?
What had happened with Gabriel had shocked her, and if she was honest with herself, it had felt exactly like what Helena was describing.
She had looked him in the eyes and lost her grip on her understanding of the world—and of herself.
I’m not in love with him.
No, of course she wasn’t. But there was something there—something impossible to ignore or deny.
She cleared her throat. “Who is this young man you say you’re in love with?”
“His name is Benjamin,” Helena sighed. “And he’s wonderful, Agnes. He’s so handsome. And he likes me too.”
“Does he? How do you know this?”
“He told me I was beautiful.”
“That isn’t much to go on,” Agnes warned her. “You should take the time to get to know a person before you decide you’re in love with him.”
“You mean, you should let him court you, like you’re doing with Uncle Gabriel?”
“Well…yes, I suppose that is what I mean.”
“But that’s what I want,” Helena insisted.
“I don’t want to run off and marry Benjamin tomorrow.
I know we’re both too young. I’m not foolish.
I just want to start to see him more, just like you and Uncle Gabriel did.
I want to spend time with him. If I’m going to make my debut soon, it means I’m going to be considered ready for things like courtship and marriage, doesn’t it?
I should be able to have a say in these decisions. ”
“I don’t know why you’re telling me, though,” Agnes said. “You know it isn’t up to me. It’s for your uncle to decide. Have you told him about this young man, and your feelings toward him.”
“Yes,” Helena said sourly. “And he refuses to listen. He says I can’t be courted by the son of his solicitor. That I have to wait for a gentleman.” She scowled. “But what if the person I love most is the son of a solicitor!”
“You didn’t mention that Benjamin was a solicitor’s son.”
“Oh, not you too! You’re going to say he’s unworthy of me because of who his father is?” Helena threw up her hands. “Does love mean nothing? I thought you of all people would be able to understand my feelings, Agnes!”
“Slow down,” Agnes said. “I did not say he was unworthy of you, Helena, did I? Please listen to me before you get angry.”
“It’s very difficult not to be angry,” Helena said. “I know what I want, but nobody will allow me to have it.”
“It isn’t up to me,” Agnes said. “And you didn’t come to me for permission. You came to me for perspective. It’s entirely your decision whether you’d like to hear what I have to say, but if you walk away from this conversation without having heard me, you will be doing yourself a disservice.”
Helena breathed in deeply. “Go on,” she said.
Agnes nodded. “I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t marry the son of a solicitor, if that’s who you love.”
“I do love him,” Helena said eagerly. “Truly, I do.”
Agnes held up her hand. “What I am going to tell you, Helena, is that you ought not to rush into any marriage. Not without thinking seriously about what it can offer you and evaluating your options. It’s true that this young man might be best suited for you, but how many young men have you met? How many have you considered?”
“You know perfectly well I haven’t thought about marriage to anyone else,” Helena said. “It’s just like you said yourself. I haven’t been out in society yet, so how could I have considered any prospects?”
“That’s exactly my point,” Agnes said. “You should think about your options before you decide you wish to marry anybody. I’m not saying you should rule this young man out because of who his father is.
But I agree with your uncle that you ought to get to know some more people before you declare that you’re in love. You don’t know who you might meet.”
“Is that what you did?” Helena asked shrewdly. “Because it’s possible to wait too long, isn’t it?”
“That’s not what happened in my case,” Agnes told her.
“I wasn’t keeping my opinions open. My situation was different.
I never wanted to marry anyone at all, and that’s why I’ve remained a spinster.
You shouldn’t look at my life and decide to marry the very first man who catches your eye just to avoid my fate.
You are very young, Helena, and very beautiful,, and full of wit and charm.
There will be plenty of men who take an interest, I promise you that.
You will be able to have your pick of them. ”
Helena gritted her teeth. “I wasn’t expecting you to agree with my uncle,” she said. “I thought you and he saw things differently.”
“We see many things differently, but not all things,” Agnes said.
“There are times when I agree with him. Times when I know him to be correct. And on those occasions, yes, I will agree with what he tells you. You would be wise to make note of those moments, because when he and I are in agreement, you might consider it strong evidence that the matter we are agreeing on is correct.”
Helena sighed. “I suppose it makes sense,” she said. “I suppose if you are on the same side, it means that you must understand something I don’t.”
“You’re young,” Agnes said gently. “You’re very young, and you’re very inexperienced, and that’s all right. You’re learning all these things for the first time. Your uncle cares for you very much and just wants to ensure your happiness.”
Helena bit her lip. “Do you think I could stay here with you tonight?”
“What?” Agnes frowned. “Your uncle will certainly worry if you do.”
“I just don’t know if I can face him,” Helena admitted.
“We had a big argument before I left home. I told him he was too controlling, and that he didn’t want me to be happy.
I see now that I shouldn’t have said those things, but I’m going to have to tell him that when I see him…
and I’m just so embarrassed, Agnes. If I could take a night to rest and put some distance between us and our fight, I think I would be able to own up to things in the morning. ”
Agnes sighed. She could understand how Helena was feeling. “You may stay,” she said. “I’ll show you to a room where you can sleep. But for one night only. First thing in the morning, you must go back to your uncle.”
Helena nodded. “I promise.”
But after Helena had gone to bed, Agnes penned a quick letter.
Gabriel - Helena is here with me tonight. I don’t want you to worry. I told her she could stay the night and that she would have to go home in the morning. She’s well, just a little distressed.
She gave the note to one of her footmen and asked for it to be delivered as quickly as possible, knowing that Gabriel would worry when Helena didn’t come home. She didn’t want him to be stuck in that situation, not knowing what had happened to his niece.
But she had to admit, she was very glad that Helena had felt there was somewhere she could go when she was having trouble at home—and very flattered to have been the person Helena had turned to when she was in need.