Chapter 24
Agnes’ heart raced.
Technically, the two of them weren’t doing anything wrong. There were two maids in the room with them, both of them working on building the evening fire. Not only that, but the door was open, and if Reeves was suspicious, he could always come and check on them.
Agnes hoped he wouldn’t.
This moment alone with Gabriel wasn’t like any of the other moments the two of them had shared, though she couldn’t have said exactly why she felt that way. There was just something different about it. Something stolen and precious. She glanced at the hallway again and saw that it was still empty.
“I really need to thank you,” Gabriel said quietly.
She looked up at him. His gaze was gentle. “You do?”
“I know I was angry when I got here,” he said. “I know I was harder on you than I should have been.”
“You were worried about Helena.”
“Not as worried as I made out I was,” he said. “I did know the letter had come from you. I invented other possibilities in my mind and frightened myself with them, but really, I knew it was you all along. The handwriting gave you away.”
She nodded. “Even so…it really never occurred to me that you might be worried she wasn’t with me,” she said. “So you don’t need to apologize at all. If I had been thinking about what you were going through, I would have handled things differently.”
“Why don’t we both just admit to one another that we could have done better?” Gabriel suggested.
“I can agree to that.”
“And so now will you allow me to thank you?” he asked. “Because the truth is that you kept Helena safe. Last night could have been a crisis, but it wasn’t, and that’s because you were there. I never thought I would say this, but I’m so very glad Helena has you in her life.”
“You think of it that way?” Agnes asked. “You consider me someone she has in her life?”
“Most certainly. She was able to come to you for help when she needed it,” Gabriel said. “I’m unendingly grateful for that. You didn’t have to take her in last night.”
“I couldn’t possibly have done anything else, Gabriel,” Agnes said softly.
“No, you probably couldn’t have,” he agreed. “And for that, I’m very thankful. Please accept the compliment.”
Warmth poured through her. “All right,” she said, “I accept it.”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you,” she countered. “I’m glad to know Helena.
I’m glad for the opportunity to be a part of her life, and I know that’s not something you had to allow either of us to have.
” She hesitated. “I’ve never had someone look up to me before.
I never thought I ever would have something like that.
You know, I’ve always said that it doesn’t bother me to know people think badly of me.
It doesn’t bother me to have a bad reputation.
And that’s true—but I didn’t know how wonderful it would feel to realize that there was someone who thought highly of me.
To know that someone like Helena sees me as a person she can look up to, and what’s more, that you don’t object to it…
that’s not something I’ve ever had. It’s not something I ever believed I could have. ”
“I didn’t think I’d ever feel that way about you either,” Gabriel admitted. “You frightened me when I first met you. I thought you were lawless. Wild. Out of control.”
“Well, you did meet me breaking into your house to steal something,” she laughed, remembering that first encounter. “I can’t really blame you for assuming the worst about me after that.”
“But I was wrong in that assumption,” he said.
“The better I get to know you, the more aware I am of that fact. You have wonderfully strong character, and I’m lucky my niece has had the chance to meet a lady like you.
I’m glad she knows it’s possible for a lady to be as strong and determined as you are, and that she doesn’t just have to settle for being told what to do in life.
She has a voice, and I want her to use it, just as you do. ”
“Even if it means she ends up challenging you?”
“She should challenge me,” Gabriel said. “I want her to learn how to assert herself, and I am the person she ought to practice that skill on, because no harm will come to her. She’s safe in rebelling against me because I will always love her, no matter what.”
Agnes smiled. “Reeves doesn’t realize this,” she said, “but that’s exactly the way I’ve always felt about him.
Even when he hasn’t approved of my choices, I’ve never doubted that he cares for me.
What you said about it is exactly right—it’s a safe way to test yourself, to experience your ideas about the world.
And…well, the truth is, Gabriel, I’m beginning to have that impression about you as well.
I never fear that you’re going to judge me, or that I’m going to go too far for you.
I feel as if I can be myself in your presence and that you’ll always accept me, no matter what it turns out to look like. ”
“I think that’s fair to say,” Gabriel said. “In fact, I’d go one further.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not just accepting the rebellious side of you,” he told her. “I’m enjoying it. I can’t quite believe I’m saying this, but…the truth is that I would miss that side of you if it was gone. It’s what I enjoy most about you.”
She laughed and shook her head. “I really never thought anyone would say that,” she said. “That you actually like this thing about me that everyone has looked down on for so long…you are a very odd man, you know.”
“I’m not,” he said. “I don’t think that’s right.
I think the people who haven’t appreciated this about you haven’t gotten to know you well.
They haven’t seen the value of your nature.
The strength you have. The way no one ever has to guess at what you want, because they can be assured you’re going to tell them.
The way you stand up not only for yourself but for everyone around you.
I didn’t need you to protect me from your brother’s questioning over dinner, but I can’t pretend it wasn’t lovely to know that you were on my side. ”
She nodded. “I do feel bad about that,” she said. “He was more aggressive with you than he should have been.”
“I don’t mind a bit. As I mentioned, I would have done the very same thing if someone was courting Helena,” he said. “He wants to make sure you’re well protected, that’s all.”
Then he grinned. “Of course, how he could possibly think you require any protection is entirely beyond me.”
Agnes laughed. “I think he wants me to need it more than I do,” she said. “At least then he would know what to do for me. It’s hard for him that he doesn’t know how to help.”
“I would think he’d be able to see that you don’t need any help,” Gabriel said. “At least, not from him.”
“Not from him?”
“Well,” Gabriel said. “I flatter myself that you do need my help.”
“You think so?” She grinned.
“You need me to help you complete your list.” He moved closer to her. “Isn’t that right?”
His eyes locked with hers, and for a moment, Agnes forgot how to breathe.
Being close to him like this was staggering.
The fact that he had chosen to be here with her, that he wanted this closeness—that he kept showing up for it—was difficult to believe.
And the way his eyes seemed to blaze at her, as if he was looking at a puzzle he was trying to solve, made Agnes feel like the most fascinating thing in all the world.
She couldn’t let herself get carried away. She had to focus on what they were doing here. That door was still open. There were still people in the room. They weren’t on their own here, and they couldn’t forget it and act as if they were.
But he was looking at her as if he had forgotten.
He was looking at her as if he were contemplating kissing her.
He was contemplating it. She was suddenly sure. His eyes had dropped to her lips, and his own were parted, and now he was leaning closer still.
His eyes began to drift closed.
He was about to kiss her. He really was.
No, he couldn’t be. He wouldn’t consider something like that, not with maids in the room watching us. Not knowing full well that Reeves could come and interrupt us at any moment.
He wouldn’t consider it anyway! This courtship is a pretend thing. He isn’t going to change the terms of our agreement so rapidly.
And yet…he’d done that already. The day of the proposal. That was supposed to be a pretend thing, a moment of make-believe , but he had turned it real. He had given her what had seemed so much like a real proposal that she had found herself unsure of how to handle it.
Maybe the barriers between them had fallen altogether. Maybe the rules had changed. A kiss would have been entirely out of line when all this had begun, but maybe that line had moved.
And Agnes realized that she wanted it to move.
But nervous energy filled her, and she cleared her throat. “Yes,” she said. “I need your help with my list. We’re nearly finished. Soon enough, we’ll be able to put all this behind us.”
His face darkened slightly, and he pulled back. His voice, when he spoke, was tighter than it had been so far, without any trace of humor. “Yes,” he said. “I suppose you’re right about that. We’ll be able to put everything behind us, if that’s what you want to do.”
He turned away from her, and the odd tension that had come from their staring at one another seemed to snap.
He’s angry with me.
But she didn’t know why. What had she done? What could she have done? He was the one who had begun the conversation about the list. She had been agreeing with him, nothing more. He couldn’t take issue with that, could he? Wasn’t this what he wanted?
Did he think she was saying she would end the mock courtship when the list was completed?
Well, if that was his concern, why didn’t he just ask her? She was in no hurry to put an end to things between them. In fact, she was rather enjoying herself. But she wasn’t going to rush to reassure him if he wasn’t even going to pose the question, for heaven’s sake.
Why is he so utterly incomprehensible so much of the time? It’s exhausting.
“I should go,” he said. “We shouldn’t linger here. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for everything, and to apologize for how angry I was when I came in.”
“Will we see each other again soon?” She was anxious about it, she realized. She needed to hear him say that they would, that there was something to look forward to.
But something had changed.
She’d said something wrong, though she didn’t know what it was. Something had driven a wall between them, and it felt insurmountable.
Gabriel didn’t answer her question. He merely shrugged and turned away, walking down the hall toward the front of the house.
Agnes remained where she was, her heart pounding, her mind spinning as she tried to figure out what she had done to push him away.