Chapter 29
Akiss.
That’s the last thing on the list. A kiss.
Gabriel’s heart pounded madly. He had so hoped for this, though it was only now that he was realizing it.
He had wanted this to be the last thing on the list. Ever since the proposal, when he had begun to realize the direction in which this was all heading, he’d had this thought at the back of his mind.
That maybe, before this was all over, he would get to kiss her.
How disorienting it was to realize that he wanted to!
He had kissed women before, of course. The desire to do so was familiar.
But there was something about his yearning for Agnes that was different from any desire he had experienced before in his life.
It wasn’t just that she was lovely—though of course she was.
Her soft, pale skin, her sparkling eyes, the curves of her body… it all beckoned to him.
But it was more than just that.
It was the way she had made herself vulnerable with him, this woman who despised even the notion of vulnerability.
The way she had entrusted him to know who she was and to help her with something that mattered to her as much as her list did.
She had given him the ability to make light of something meaningful and trusted that he wouldn’t.
And it was everything the two of them had already shared.
The weeks of pretend courtship, dancing together, and sharing secrets in full view of society.
The intimacy of the proposal that, real or not, would always be a moment the two of them had in common.
It could not be left behind, not entirely. It was theirs forever now.
And it was her kindness. The way she cared so deeply for Helena, who was the most important person in Gabriel’s life. Agnes had understood that right from the start and had shown such affection for Helena. Gabriel couldn’t help but soften toward her.
She must have misread his hesitation, because she looked down at the floor.
“You don’t have to do it,” she said again.
“I can finish the list another time. I never meant it to be something I would do all with one person. I never conceived of it that way—never expected that. You’ve given me so much already. Don’t feel as if you have to do this.”
Gabriel was already shaking his head before she had finished speaking.
He knew what she was suggesting. She could kiss someone else.
It didn’t need to be him. And he couldn’t bear it.
The mere thought of it drove him mad. As he stood before her, it was all he could do not to take her in his arms and kiss her at once, without another word on the subject.
The thought of someone else being the person to do that was unbearable.
“No,” he said, shocked by the hoarseness in his voice.
“No?” She looked up at him.
“No. We started this together,” he told her. “We’re going to finish it together.”
“Gabriel…”
But he’d heard more than enough, and there was nothing more to say.
He took a step forward and drew her into his arms. She let out a little gasp, but came to him willingly, and a moment later her body was pressed against his. Was it his imagination, or could he actually feel the pounding of her heart against his chest?
“You’re sure you want this?” he murmured.
She nodded, with absolutely no hesitation, her eyes shining. “Yes,” she breathed. “I’ve always wanted this, Gabriel?”
A question took root in the back of his mind, an insidious and dangerous question. Did she mean to say that she had always wanted to kiss someone?
Or does she mean to say she’s always wanted to kiss me?
He couldn’t worry about the answer right now. The pull toward her was too strong. He leaned in.
Gently, so gently, he captured her lips with his.
They were soft. Yielding. She submitted to him at once, allowing him to set the pace and guide her through the kiss. His hand moved to cradle the back of her head, the other hand sliding down to her waist. She hummed happily.
He deepened the kiss, unable to help himself. Need swept through him. How he’d longed for this! And the way she melted into him—oh, he just wanted to hold her forever.
This is what I’ve wanted. This is what I’ve wanted the whole time. And oh, I shouldn’t be doing it, but at the same time, I should have done it long ago.
He traced the subtle curve of her spine and caressed her soft cheek with his thumb. He breathed in and relished the scent of her…
A clock struck.
Reality reasserted itself.
Reluctantly, Gabriel forced himself to let her go.
Still, there was a moment’s pause before she pulled away, a moment in which she remained tucked against his body as though she couldn’t bear the thought of being released.
Almost, he wrapped his arms around her again.
But he managed to restrain himself. She hadn’t indicated that that was something she wanted.
And if he did it, he didn’t know if he’d have the strength to let her go a second time.
She finally stepped away from him, her gaze locked on his.
He wanted to say something. He wanted to ask her whether it was what she had hoped it would be. He wanted to find out if she’d enjoyed it, and even—maybe—if she wanted to do it again.
I’d love to do it again…
“That’s it,” she said quietly. “That’s the last thing on the list. Number five: kiss somebody.”
“So…the list is done.”
“It’s done,” she said.
His mind whirled. There was a feeling of triumph—they had managed it, they had done everything they’d set out to do. But there was something else lurking within him, too. Something deeper. More unpleasant.
She turned her head, breaking eye contact. “So…I’ve completed my list,” she said. “And you’ve done what you set out to do and convinced the ton that they’re wasting their time in pursuing you. You’ve gotten people to lose interest in you.”
“Yes.” It sickened him to say the word, because now, suddenly, he could see where they were heading.
“We finished the agreement,” she said. “We did everything we planned. Everything we promised one another we would do.”
Gabriel nodded slowly—there was no denying it.
“Which means…it’s time for this to end.” She looked up at him, clearly waiting to see how he was going to respond.
And what could he possibly say?
He didn’t want it to end. He knew that now. He wanted more. He wanted another kiss, another chance to hold her in his arms, another shared moment like the one they had just enjoyed. He wanted as many more of them as he could get.
But she didn’t.
She had finally explained it all to him. He finally understood. As romantic as her heart might be, she couldn’t allow herself to fall in love. Not really. It was too dangerous for her, given her past and all that she had been through. She wouldn’t want to take that risk now.
And here she was, standing in front of him and telling him that it was time for things to be over between them. As much as he wanted to argue, there was simply no argument to be made. If she was done, then they were done, and that was the end of it.
Though it went against everything in him, he forced himself to nod. “I suppose it is time,” he agreed, wondering whether it was possible to choke on words.
She looked down at her feet. He had the sense she was composing herself, perhaps trying to master some emotion. But when she looked up again, her eyes were clear.
“Thank you,” she said. “I can’t tell you how wonderful this experience has been. Truly. It’s meant the world to me. And I’m so grateful to have had the chance to complete my list. Five experiences I’d never have been able to have without your help.”
“Oh, you would have,” he countered. “If there’s one thing I know about you, Agnes, it’s that you find a way. You would have found a way, whether you and I had met or not.”
“Well…even so, I’m grateful,” she told him.
“It was my pleasure,” he said, and he meant it. More than she could possibly have known, he meant it. Every moment of their agreement had been a wonderful experience, and one he knew he’d treasure for the rest of his life.
And now it was ending. His heart ached. His stomach churned.
There had to be something. There had to be some words he could say right now that would forestall this, save the two of them from what currently felt inevitable. There had to be a way to keep things going. What hadn’t he thought of?
He closed his eyes.
There was nothing.
Of course, there was nothing. This was it.
She took a deep breath. “You’re welcome to stay,” she said. “I mean…I’m not trying to send you off just like that. If you’d like to finish your tea…”
He was already shaking his head. “No,” he said. “No, I don’t think we should prolong this. We’ve finished what we set out to do, and I should be on my way.”
“Of course,” she murmured, looking down.
She returned to her seat and sank into it, picking up her own cup of tea once more. “You know the way out, then,” she said.
Was he mistaken, or was there a sharp edge to her tone now? It was almost as if she was angry. But why? Nothing that had happened had defied her wishes. She’d wanted that kiss.
He was sure she had.
Perhaps it disappointed her.
Maybe that’s why she’s so eager to put an end to things. I’m sure she’s been thinking about what it would be like to share a kiss with someone for a very long time, and now it’s happened. Maybe it didn’t measure up to her expectations.
He turned. “All right,” he said. “I’ll see myself out.”
He hesitated a moment longer. It felt like there had to be something more to say.
“If Helena wants to see you again,” he managed at last.
Agnes looked up. “Then of course she should,” she said. “She can come by any time, as long as it’s all right with you. You know how fond I am of Helena. Please let her know that she’s always welcome here.”
Gabriel nodded. “I’ll make sure to tell her.”
And then there really was nothing left to say.
He made himself turn and walk out the door before things could become too awkward. He needed distance between the two of them, needed to create a space before the emotion started to show on his face.
Gabriel had always prided himself on being someone who didn’t wear emotion on his face. But there would be no avoiding it right now. It bubbled far too close to the surface, anxious to break free.
He hurried through her house and out the front door, pausing as he went to remember the moment they had just shared right here. They had been dancing, reveling in a soft rain.
Now the rain was coming down harder, and there was no revelry, only bleakness.
Gabriel made it to his carriage and climbed aboard, wet and drained from the intensity of the last few minutes. Had he really just been holding Agnes in his arms a moment ago? That memory was so warm. Now he shivered with cold.
The carriage began to move, drawing him away from her. Away from the strange oasis of happiness they had created together for a few precious weeks, and back to the dull, everyday routines of his regular life.