Chapter 15
“His Grace has returned.” Mr. Grimsby informed Harriet as she and Phoebe strode through the door.
Harriet felt as though she had missed a step, her heart thundering around her chest like a jackrabbit. She glanced at Phoebe who was holding her hand, feeling the tension in the girl’s fingers.
It made her whole body ache when she saw the way Phoebe reacted to the merest mention of her uncle. She squeezed Phoebe’s hand gently.
“Why not go and find Mrs. Morton for your afternoon lessons?” Phoebe gestured to one of the footmen to escort the girl to the schoolroom. “I think she has an arithmetic lesson planned with Cook.”
Phoebe’s eyes brightened though she chewed her lip and glanced around as though worried she might be in trouble. Harriet gave her an encouraging smile.
“Go on, or you will have to do a normal lesson as Cook will be preparing dinner.” Harriet gestured away from her.
She had convinced Cook to help Phoebe learn fractions through baking, not that it had taken much convincing. The woman had a bark that was far meaner than her bite and clearly adored Phoebe.
Harriet watched her go. “Where is Theo – the Duke?”
“His Grace is in the drawing room I believe.” Mr. Grimsby pointed at a door a short distance away.
Harriet was fairly certain her heart was about to beat its way out of her throat. She swallowed with difficulty as several million eels swam in her stomach.
I hope he likes the painting.
“Thank you Mr. Grimsby. You have been most helpful.” Harriet smiled at the butler, took a deep breath and walked towards the drawing room door.
Theodore stood in the room, facing away from her, staring at the painting on the wall. Harriet’s heart leapt, and she took a few steps forward.
“Theodore?”
He gave no sign that he could hear her, so she tried again. Still no answer. Several beads of sweat trickled down her neck, between her shoulder blades and lower. The room felt stuff, despite the open windows.
“It is good to see you.” Still no answer.
Words began to pour from Harriet’s mouth as she crept closer and closer to her husband. With each phrase that was greeted with stony silence, the writhing monster in her stomach grew stronger. She felt as though she would burst.
She was nearly level with Theodore now, her hand reaching towards his broad shoulder blades, planning to tap him and draw his attention back to her.
“What have you done?” The cold in Theodore’s voice hit Harriet with the force of a bullet.
She snapped her hand back, recoiling as though he were a snake. “Pardon me?”
Do not disappoint me.
The words blared to life in her head, like a horn sounding an alarm. The air around her solidified, every muscle tensed as something screamed at her to run.
“What were you thinking?” Theodore turned to face her slowly, his voice little more than a hiss. “Do you have any idea what you have done?”
She backed away, one hand going to her chest and the other reaching behind her to steady herself as she stumbled over the carpet. Confusion and shame washed over her as she took in his face.
His jaw was clenched so tightly she feared his teeth would break. His eyes were wild like the sea in storm. She could see dark circles beneath his eyes, but that made his anger even more palpable.
Every bit of his hulking form was wound so tightly that he reminded Harriet of the trigger of a gun – one pull from disaster. He filled the space between them making her feel smaller than even an ant.
“I do not understand.” Harriet clenched her fists to keep her hands from shaking. “If you do not like it, we can change it back. Nothing is permanent.”
“You should have discussed this with me. You should have consulted me before you did this.” Theodore’s words were clipped, edged with steel.
“You were not here.” Harriet pointed out.
“Then you should have waited until I had returned.” He took a step towards her and it took all of Harriet’s strength not to step back. “Instead, you chose to act behind my back.”
“You speak as though I have betrayed you.” Some part of Harriet bristled with indignation even as the more sensible part of her screamed at her to run away and hide. “All I did was redecorate.”
“Without my permission.” Theodore growled.
“I did not think I needed it.” Harriet shot back, anger overcoming her fear. “I thought that if anything, you would understand why I have made these changes.”
You said my time was my own.
“It is not your place to make such changes, Harriet.” Theodore took another step towards her, and Harriet stepped back, wishing her legs felt less like jelly.
“I was only trying to do my duty.” Harriet searched the Duke’s face, trying to understand where this was coming from.
“You are here for Phoebe; you will focus on her and her alone,” Theodore repeated.
“You told me you needed me, that she needed me, yet whenever I try and help her, you take issue with how I am doing it.” Harriet narrowed her eyes, stopping just short of glaring up at her husband. Stop trying to control me. “When are you going to start trusting me?”
She thought she saw him flinch and when his reply came it was tight and clipped as though he were squeezing it out through gritted teeth. “This was not for her.”
“It was for all of us, including Phoebe,” she retorted. “She should be in a place that feels like a home, not a mausoleum.”
She saw a vein in Theodore’s neck pulse and feared she had gone too far. “Regardless of what you feel about this place, it does not change the fact that redecorating is hardly conducive to your primary objective which is to mold Phoebe into the young lady she needs to be.”
Harriet felt her anger rise. How many times will we have this discussion? “She already has one governess, she does not need a second.”
“She needs structure, discipline –” Theodore began but Harriet cut him off, surprising herself.
“- she needs a family!”
She saw Theodore’s eyes widen and then narrow imperceptibly but she ploughed onwards before common sense could win over righteous indignation. She dug her nails deep into the palms of her hands, using the pain to ground herself.
“She needs affection and warmth. She needs what all children need, which is to be treated with kindness and compassion, with understanding and curiosity. She needs love.” Harriet felt a lump begin to form in her throat as her vision blurred with tears and she looked away, unable to bear the thought of Theodore seeing her cry.
He already thinks little of me, I will not add to it. Her voice broke as she stared at the floor. “Phoebe needs to love and be loved, but no one will allow it.”
The lump in Harriet’s throat grew, choking off any hope of words as she forced back her tears.
“Do not do that.” Gentle fingers cupped her chin, tilting her head back towards Theodore, his voice little more than a whisper. “Please.”
Harriet blinked up at him. The coldness had vanished, replaced by something else she did not quite recognize. His hand against her skin sent warmth all the way through her body. How can he be so gentle?
“I do not understand.” Her voice cracked. “Do not do what?”
“Look away from me when we are speaking.” Theodore’s breath tickled her skin. “I do not like it. I have never liked it. And I would ask that you do not do it. Please.”
His voice was softer than she had ever heard it, and yet it filled her chest with a fluttering sensation that stole her breath away. “I will try.”
“Thank you.” His fingers were still cupped around her chin, holding her in place firmly but not so tightly that she could not break out of his gasp.
This close to him in the daylight, she could see the grime of travel across his face, the faintest of stubble across his jaw. Without thinking, she reached a finger up to brush against his cheek.
His eyes clouded over, but he did not pull away from her. She let her hand drift, coming to rest on his chest. “I am sorry. I did not mean to upset you.”
Theodore closed his eyes and shook his head, finally releasing her and stepping back. Her head swam and she could still feel the warmth of his fingers against her chin, still feel his firm touch and rough skin against her.
She heard him take a long, deep breath and it reminded her to do the same. He sighed, massaging his neck as he looked at her. “In future, please tell me before you make changes like this.”
Harriet nodded. “I will. I will put everything back the way it was, and I can get rid of the carpets. If you do not want the windows open I-”
Theodore shook his head, “There is no need to do that.”
Theodore was rubbing the fingertips of one of his hands against the palm of the other, almost absently.
“I do not mind the changes, most of them at least. The carpets were a sensible addition, you have taken precautions about the windows, and I am sure you have shown great care and diligence in everything else.”
Harriet did not know what to say.
“There is only one thing I would ask you to change.” Theodore’s eyes flicked towards the painting and then back towards her so quickly that she almost thought she had imagined it. “Please remove the painting. Put it back where you found it, hang anything else, but not that.”
“If that is what you want.” Harriet took a step towards Theodore, her hands reaching out to him. “I will put it away.”
“Thank you.” Theodore swallowed hard, the muscles of his neck contracting. He looked at her, opened his mouth and then closed it, leaving without another word.
Harriet touched a finger to her chin, the feel of his skin against hers felt seared into her face. “What just happened?”
Harriet glanced at the painting and then back towards the doorway. A part of her wanted to go after Theodore, to ask him what all of that was.
The smell of cedar and musk lingered in the air. She breathed in deeply, and took the painting down.