Chapter 24
Theodore shut the door behind Harriet, knowing that if he did not, the tenuous hold he had on his self-control would slip entirely and he would ask her to stay with him. And she could not want that. She’d asked to go, after all.
He had nearly lost it when she had walked away from him, her name escaping his lips. He had felt the words well up within him as her eyes glistened in the firelight.
Stay. Please.
The words had stuck in his throat; he could not tell if it was a blessing or a curse. All he could say was goodnight and watch her leave.
“If she wanted to stay, she would have. She would have asked.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I do not want to frighten her.”
He looked back towards the door, his fingers tracing a line across his chest where her body had pressed against him. Every part of him felt taut as a bowstring, ready to spring into action.
He took a step towards the door, hand outstretched and shook his head. It was foolish. If he went after her now, it would spoil everything. He gritted his teeth and thumped his hand hard against the wall, feeling the stone bite into his skin. He leaned his head against the cold wall.
It did nothing to soothe the fire in his veins. Is it any wonder she wanted to leave? He had probably scared her. He had grown complacent, too used to her by his side.
Had he misread her casual touches? What did it mean? Why had she come to his room? And why did I want her to stay? He pushed himself off the wall and flopped onto his bed, staring at the dark ceiling above him.
“It was not supposed to be like this.” He punched the pillow beside him into a more pleasing shape. “This was just supposed to be for Phoebe. That is all.”
He sat up a little straighter, his blood still thundering through his body. The feel of her in his arms, her lips against his clung to him like a blanket. He knew he should shake it off, that he should not encourage this, but he could not.
He thought of the day they had spent together.
The way she made him feel; the way she made it so that he and Phoebe could be in the same room.
Not just in the same room, but able laugh and smile and even talk.
He stared out at the window into the inky blackness of the night sky beyond. “It was… It was like…”
Like we were a family.
The words made everything in him tense, even as some part of him purred in satisfaction. When had he had a day like this one? Had he ever? He massaged a hand over his chest, feeling it rise and fall with every breath.
“A family,” he whispered to himself.
It was ridiculous. He knew that. It was not what they had agreed, not what he had offered. And yet, he knew a part of him wanted it. He wanted them to be a family. A part him believed that perhaps, just maybe, she did too.
“What about Rose?” He felt cold seep through his veins, dousing the fire within him.
His treacherous mind was so used to turning from Rose, that of course it turned to Harriet instead. He could picture a future, Harriet and Phoebe laughing and playing. It made him smile even as a part of him roiled, the image of a rose wilting in the background.
He had to control himself. He had to think clearly. He groaned. He did not understand what was going on. He did not know why he felt so different around her. He wished it did not feel so tenuous, so fragile and yet solid at the same time.
Every time he heard her laughter, the skin on his body felt like it was on fire. All he could think was wanting to make her laugh like that again. The sound of Harriet’s and Phoebe’s giggles was like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night.
He wanted to kiss her again, he knew that much. He had ever since they had kissed all those nights ago at the ball. He pressed a hand to his lips.
“But what is it you want, Harriet?” he murmured into the darkness. “Will Phoebe and I be enough?”
The only answer he received was the soft hooting of an owl and the rush of wind against his window. He closed his eyes, the taste of her on his lips as he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
* * *
“Do you have a moment?” Harriet’s voice jerked Theodore’s attention from the small mountain of paperwork before him. “There was something I wanted to talk about.”
He glanced up and saw her standing in the doorway. The sunlight caught on her hair, making it look sleek and glossy as fine teakwood. His heart leapt, and he stood up, gesturing for her to come in.
Absently, he smoothed his hair back and adjusted his cravat. He flexed and unflexed his fingers as he moved to stand around the table. He smiled at her, and when she smiled back, the knot between his shoulder blades unraveled.
Relief washed over him like a wave breaking on the sand. “For you? Of course.”
Harriet stepped into the room, her bottom lip pressed gently between her teeth. The sight of it sent a thrill through Theodore and he froze halfway through his step towards her. Get a hold of yourself.
“We missed you at breakfast.” Harriet stepped into the room, giving him a sidelong look.
“There was an issue at the stables that required my attention.” Theodore explained, running a hand through his hair.
“The grooms found several abandoned puppies – no sign of the mother. I have arranged for the kennel master to look after them. I suspect someone’s companion had a run in with a farmer’s dog and whoever it was, did not want the hassle of the pups. ”
“That is awful.” Harriet shook her head, lip curling. “Though I suppose it is lucky they did not take a more permanent path to deal with them.”
“It is. But at least they will be safe now.” Theodore tilted his head towards Harriet, curling his fingers against his palm to keep from reaching towards her. I do not want to scare her again. “I am sorry.”
“For what?” Harriet’s eyes found him, and he had the sense that she was waiting for something.
For last night. “Missing breakfast.” Theodore gestured vaguely towards the corridor as an unreadable look crossed Harriet’s face. “I know Phoebe is growing used to dining together, and I do not want to have upset things.”
Harriet drew her shawl around her shoulders and shrugged. “She was a little disappointed. But I am sure once you explain the situation, she will understand.”
“I was thinking of taking her down there later – I thought perhaps she might want a puppy of her own. It would be a good companion for her.” Theodore hesitated, unsure how to make clear that he would like Harriet to join them as well.
“I am sure she would love that.” Harriet’s smile returned to her face, her eyes glittering in the light as she arched an eyebrow at him. “Though are you certain you want to invite that level of chaos into the house?”
“I have recently discovered that a little chaos can be rather good for the place.” He was not sure why his voice was so hoarse, and reached for his half-forgotten cup of tea.
It was stone cold, but he drank it anyway, grateful for the feel of the liquid against the dryness of his mouth. Harriet was watching him intently. “Who would have thought? Theodore Langford actively inviting such discord into his home.”
“Our home.” Theodore corrected her, frowning slightly.
Harriet paused, the smile faded from her face as she shook herself. “And I suppose it will be our chaos?”
“Yes.” Theodore had the sense of being measured and weighed, though he could not understand why.
“Well, it will be Phoebe’s, but I suspect we will have to be involved in managing the creature.
It is not reasonable to expect a nine-year old to manage it all herself, and the servants are busy enough. ”
“We should probably make sure anything valuable is out of easy reach, and perhaps ask one of the footmen to assist with taking the puppy out to toilet – especially overnight.” Harriet moved closer to the window, her fingers tracing the smooth wood of the frame.
“You realize that there is every chance she will fall in love with every one of them?”
“I do.” Theodore grimaced. “I will make it clear that one is more than enough. The others I will find homes for. I thought perhaps we could all go for a ride once we had seen the puppies. The bluebells should be out, and the forest is particularly enchanting at this time of year. If you would like to, that is.”
“You seem to be in a good mood today.” Harriet tilted her head towards him, and Theodore noticed some of the tension in her shoulders ease.
“You sound surprised.” He arched an eyebrow at her.
“I am a little.”
He tried to keep his voice teasing, but it came out clumsier than he wished. “I am not an ogre, Harriet. I can have good moods on occasion.”
“I know, I just…” Harriet gestured with her hands as though trying to pluck the words from the air. “I worried I might have upset you last night.”
“You did not.” It was the opposite. He ran his fingers along his trousers, lightly gripping the fabric to keep from reaching towards Harriet. “If I frightened you, I did not mean to.”
“You did not.” Harriet took a step closer. “You never frighten me.”
“I am glad.” The world folded around them, muffling the sounds of birds outside. “You mentioned that you had something you wanted to discuss with me?”
“Oh. Yes… I did.” Harriet’s eyes widened and she stepped back. “I… I need you not to interrupt me. I think if you do I will lose my nerve.”
“That sounds serious.” Theodore perched on the edge of his desk. “Very well.”
“Thank you.” Harriet’s fingers twitched and she began to pace, her eyes moving away from his face.
“Theodore, I have been thinking about this, about our arrangement and well… I think… No, I know, I want a real marriage. With you. I want a life, a future, and so many adventures with you and Phoebe. To share a room, and to bookend my days by your side.”