Chapter 25
“You are leaving.” Theodore’s face and voice were as expressionless as granite.
Harriet nodded, rolling her shoulders back. It was the day after Theodore had told her that he did not want her, that what her stupid, foolish heart had hoped for was nothing but a dream.
I cannot give you what you want.
The words had echoed in her head as she had cried into her pillow. Her eyes had been red and puffy when she had woken, her chest ached from the sobs. Her voice was hoarse, and she had been in a daze when Phoebe had found her.
She remembered the way the little girl had wrapped her arms around her and buried her face into Harriet’s neck. She could still smell the soft floral smell of her, and it only sharpened the ache within her.
“I am.” Harriet returned to the present, shaking the memory of Phoebe from her mind, even as her fingers curled around the drawing Phoebe had given her.
It was of a little girl hugging a woman as the sun rose over a hill. Harriet had asked if Phoebe would like to come with her, but the girl had declined. She wanted to stay with Theodore, to stay in her home.
Harriet hated that she could not be happier for Phoebe, that even though she was proud of how settled she was, she could not use it to erase her own feelings.
“I think it will be best for all of us if I leave.” Harriet forced herself to say as she looked at Theodore.
For a long moment, he said nothing. She could see a muscle twitching in his jaw as he ran his fingers across his desk. She forced herself to keep looking at him, steeling her resolve.
I will get through this. She would do what she had to do. She could not let Phoebe down, but she could not stay either.
“You do not have to.” Theodore’s voice had an odd edge to it beneath the cool, formality.
“I do.” Harriet swallowed. He saw me. Now he chooses to look away. I will not stay and be overlooked once more.
Theodore’s jaw tightened, and Harriet thought he would argue, but instead he asked, “Where will you go?”
There was no emotion in his words, just that same clipped edge. Understanding dawned on her – it was relief. He wanted her to leave. Of course he did, she had made such a fool of herself.
I do not want that.
He did not want her. She knew that. And now he was just showing her how true it was.
“My parents’ house in London.” She felt a lump form in her throat, and cleared it. “I need time away from you, from this, from everything. It is clear we cannot continue as we have been and I… I have to do this.”
Theodore’s eyes narrowed, the muscles across his chest rippling as he drew his hands behind his back. “How long?”
His tone was businesslike. The wall Harriet was building around her heart buckled at the disinterest, but she pushed against it. This was Theodore as he was, whatever else she had glimpsed, that would never be for her.
“I am not certain yet. A few weeks, maybe a month or so?” Harriet shrugged. How long does it take to heal something like this?
“And what about Phoebe?” Theodore asked.
Of course that is all he cares about. Harriet could not quite keep the bitterness from her voice and she hated herself for it.
“I have spoken to her. I wanted her to understand that this was not her fault, that I love her and will always love her, but I cannot stay here for the moment. She understood, as much as she could. She was sad of course, but I expect you can distract her with a puppy.”
She added the last to try and soften the edges of her anger. It helped to imagine Theodore and Phoebe having that moment of joy, even as it felt like a splinter worming its way towards her heart.
“A puppy is not quite the same.” Something unreadable flashed across Theodore’s face, but it was gone too quickly for Harriet to be sure what it was. “She will miss you.”
Will you? She bit back the words, refusing to add to any more of her humiliation.
For a heartbeat, she had let herself believe that he might say he would miss her, but he did not. “I will miss her as well.” And you, fool that I am. She should never have believed that someone like Theodore would want someone like her. “But my mind is made up.”
“When will you leave?” He asked, his hands clasped behind his back.
His words twisted in her gut like a crossbow bolt. He wanted to be rid of her, of course he did. It was the last few nails in the casket for her hope.
“Today.” She kept her voice light, as though she were discussing nothing more than the weather. “I did not see any reason to delay.”
The last few words came out more like a challenge than she had anticipated.
“I see.” Was that a flinch she saw? Theodore looked away, out of the window and Harriet felt anger fill the empty space between the pieces of her heart. “I will arrange for guards to see you safely on your way... Phoebe still needs you.”
But he does not. The words were like a poison running through her veins, turning the very air between her and Theodore sour.
“I know.” Harriet let out a long, shaky breath. “And I will not let her down. But we both know that things cannot continue as they are.”
Theodore said nothing, his mouth opened, lips parted and then he shook his head, his eyes fixed on Harriet. She saw a ripple run through him as he straightened, standing tall. The image of an oak tree filled her mind.
They are solitary trees. She should have known this was always how things would end.
“Is there anything else?” Theodore asked her, his voice nearly unrecognizable.
It was low and whisper soft, an edge that she could not place. Anger perhaps? Affronted pride? Whatever it was, it did not matter.
“Nothing that I can think of.” Harriet let steel seep into her every word. “I take it you have no objection to my leaving?”
There were several beats of silence as she looked at him, keeping her face blank. She would not let him see the treacherous hope in her eyes.
He met her gaze, a slight furrow in his brow. His eyes were a deep lake in winter, cold, forbidding, unknowable. “If this is what you want, I will not stand in your way.”
“It is what I need.” I want you. She thought she saw him flinch, but it was just a trick of the light.
“Then I suppose this is goodbye,” Theodore said, slowly.
“I suppose it is.” Harriet stepped away from him, as her heart crumbled. “I will let you know when I have reached London.”
“Thank you.” Theodore’s leg shifted as though he was going to step towards her, but he did not. “I… Be safe on your journey.”
“I will.” Harriet turned away from Theodore, not wanting him to see the tears filling her eyes. “Goodbye, Theodore.”
Harriet did not wait to hear Theodore’s response. She was already striding away from his study, wishing that he would ask her to stay. She hated the way her ears strained to hear a shout she knew would never come.
It was high time she left Theodore and her little fantasy behind.
* * *
A few days later, Harriet sat in the breakfast room at her parents’ estate. She could feel both of their eyes on her as she pushed the food aimlessly about her plate.
Her stomach was in open revolt at even the thought of food. She tried to force herself to eat, but it was a battle she was starting to lose. Every bit was harder than the last. Eating was a matter of mechanics, but the feel of the food in her mouth made her want to scream.
“I can have Cook prepare something else, darling. Perhaps scrambled eggs? You love scrambled eggs.” Her mother began to wave over a footman but Harriet raised a hand.
“No, please, do not do that.” Harriet waved the footman down, forgetting momentarily that she was not the mistress of the house.
The realization sent a fresh pang through her chest. “I am not very hungry, that is all.”
To her relief her mother did not comment on the slip, simply waved the footman away and returned her worried gaze to Harriet’s face. “It would be no bother.”
“I know that, but it would be a waste.” Harriet tried to give her a reassuring smile, but by the way the worry wrinkles on both her parents’ faces deepened, she knew she had missed the mark.
She looked back at her plate. Her toast seemed to taunt her. She remembered teasing Theodore over breakfast as he spread his jam delicately and evenly so that it covered every bit of the bread. He had smiled at her, just a small one but even that had made her heart leap.
No. He does not want you.
She forced herself to take another mouthful of food, nearly choking as it seemed to clump and grow heavier. She forced herself to keep going, chewing mechanically as she felt her parents continue to watch her.
Pull yourself together, Harriet.
“Are you feeling unwell?” Her father glanced from her to her mother. “I could send for the physician.”
Harriet shook her head as she took a long drink of tea, using it to force the last of her mouthful down. “I am tired, that is all. I have… I have not been sleeping well.”
Her parents exchanged a worried look, though Harriet could tell they were trying to hide it from her. The sight made her feel guilty and somehow more alone. “I am unused to the bed. I am sure I will adjust in time.”
“Of course.” Her father’s eyes flicked downwards, and Harriet realized that she had been playing with her wedding ring.
She stopped and put her hand on her lap, out of sight.
“You plan on being here for some time then?” Lady Devonmere asked, her voice a little too casual as she poured everyone more tea. “You did not mention how long you wished to stay when you arrived.”
“A little while, yes.” Harriet swallowed as her mind threatened to turn back to Theodore. “Unless it is a bother.”
“It is no skin off our nose, Harriet.” Her mother’s smile did not hide the worry lines at the corners of her eyes. “You will always be welcome here.”
“Thank you,” Harriet said, her eyes drifting to the window.
The London sky was overcast and grey. It had been the same as she had left Irondale Hall. Her insides solidified as she remembered the carriage trundling along, the way it had felt like her heart was being quartered with each step the horses took.
She had forced herself not to look back. She knew she would only look for Theodore and that he would not be there. She could not face it.
“Well, if you will be staying here a while, I ought to make sure we have all your favorites in the house.” Her father was tapping his foot on the floor beneath the table, then he clapped his hands together and stood up so fast that he nearly upset the tablecloth.
“I know, perhaps some biscuits? Yes, biscuits. Or shortbread? Both. I shall have Cook make some and you can snack on them throughout the day.”
Her father did not give her time to object, he practically ran out of the room, calling over his shoulder. “Oh and scones? I think scones, and maybe some jam. And cream.”
“He really does not need to go to such trouble.” Harriet forced herself not to chase after her father. When he is worried, he tries to feed the problem away. “I suppose I should be relieved he has not suggested cake.”
“That is because he already spoke to Cook about it this morning. You know how he gets when he worries.” Her mother drummed her fingers against the table.
“He must be very worried if we are already at cake.” Harriet glanced in the direction her father had left, guilt surging forwards in her chest.
“He is.” Her mother dabbed at her mouth with a napkin, fixing Harriet with a serious look. “We both are.”
“You do not need to be. I am fine.” She tried to wave her mother’s concern away.
She could practically hear her mother’s unasked question. In truth, Harriet was surprised she had managed to restrain herself from asking it for so long.
“Harriet, please do not lie to me. You are the furthest thing from fine. My eyes may not be what they once were, but I would have to be blind not to see that you have been crying.” Her mother leaned towards her and took Harriet’s hand in her own.
“You arrived days ago, and we have tried to be patient, but really, there are limits. You are distraught, your husband is nowhere to be seen… What on Earth is going on?”
“I… It is nothing.” Shame blocked Harriet’s throat.
How could she tell her what a fool she had been?
Her mother rushed into fill the silence.
“Marriage can be difficult, and especially in such unusual circumstances. I am sure that whatever happened between you and the Duke can be smoothed over. If he sent you away we can-” Harriet cut her mother off. “- he did not send me away.”
“Oh. Well, that is good.” The surprise on her mother’s face hit Harriet with the force of a bullet. “That will make it much easier to sort out whatever has happened between you two. I am sure, if you just clear things up, everything will be right as rain.”
“You think it is my fault.” Harriet felt numb all over. “You think… You think I am to blame for all of this?”
“What? No.” Her mother shook her head vehemently.
Harriet did not remember getting to her feet, but she towered over her mother, hugging her arms to her chest. “I could see it on your face. You were surprised! You think that I did something for him to send me away! Of course you do, why would you not?”
“I only meant that you showed up unannounced, distraught. I thought perhaps he-” her mother tried to explain but Harriet cut her off“- I was the one who chose to go. I did not… He did not send me away.”
“But why?” Lady Devonmere chewed on her lip. “Everything seemed to be going so well! Why would you leave?”
Because he would not ask me to stay.
The thought felt too pathetic for her to voice. Harriet shook her head. “I do not want to talk about it. It does not matter now anyway. What is done is done.”
“Nothing is ever set in stone, especially not when it comes to matters of the heart.” She was on her feet too, her arms outstretched as though to pull her close and hug her.
“Please, Harriet, tell me what happened. I want to help. I am sure we can… That we could figure out some way to fix things between the two of you.”
“There is nothing to fix.” Theodore made that clear. Harriet moved away from her mother’s outstretched arms. “There never was.”
She left the dining room, unable to bear the pity on her mother’s face.