Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
Clara spent all day at the orphanage before she returned home.
“I heard the benefit went wonderfully. You should be so proud,” Alfred said, hugging her tightly and kissing her on both cheeks. Clara gave him a wan smile. Beatrice walked up to her.
“May I come and help you at the orphanage?” she asked.
Clara was a little taken aback by the suggestion, as Beatrice hadn’t shown any inclination to help at the orphanage before.
“Of course, although I must say I’m surprised. I thought you believed that type of thing was beneath you.”
“Well, it seems to have its advantages. After all, if you can meet a Duke through your work, then perhaps it will afford me the opportunity to meet someone of a similar standing, when I am old enough. There were so many important people at the benefit last night. It would be an honor to become acquainted with them.”
Clara sighed. “Beatrice, if you wish to help people, then you should do so because it is the right thing to do, not because you wish to get something else out of it. When you begin to understand that, you can come and help me,” she said briskly, in no mood to entertain her sister’s worst impulses.
Beatrice was left stunned and immediately appealed to her father, but Clara wasn’t interested in such a petty discussion.
She ascended the stairs and, when in the privacy of her room, fell upon the bed and allowed her emotions to pour out.
Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she used her dress to mop them up.
There was a soft knock at the door.
“Clara, may I enter? Beatrice says you were quite short with her,” Mary said.
Clara rolled her eyes. She pushed herself up into a sitting position and rubbed her cheeks.
“Beatrice always takes offence even when none is given. She could start an argument in an empty room,” Clara said. Mary took this as an invitation and entered the room, closing the door behind her. She came to sit on the end of the bed.
“You’ve been crying,” she said, reaching for Clara’s hand, immediately noticing her daughter’s sorrow.
“It’s nothing.”
“What’s happened? I know that Beatrice vexes you sometimes, but she will mature soon enough.”
“It’s not about Beatrice,” Clara said. “It’s about Gerald.”
“Oh, I see. Has he changed his mind?” Mary asked. Clara realized that she was going to have to be honest with her mother now.
“No. In actual fact, he has remained true to his intentions. There is something I must confess to you, mother. I hope you and father will not be too angry with me. The truth is that Gerald and I never had any intention to marry. It was a ruse, designed to distract people in the Ton from him. His return as Eleanor’s escort caused a stir and he was overshadowing her debut season.
He believed that if he were seen to be courting someone, Eleanor would be able to enjoy her season fully.
In return, he ensured that he would help the orphanage,” Clara said, her voice wobbling towards the end.
“I see,” Mary replied, taking it all in. “That sounds rather complicated.
“It was. I never intended to deceive you and Father. I know you were both excited that I was being courted, but I hope you see now that it shall never happen.”
Clara put her hand upon her head and breathed deeply, wishing to stem the flow of tears that threatened to fall. Mary remained silent for a few moments before addressing the situation directly.
“You have fallen in love with him, haven’t you?”
“No,” Clara replied immediately. She lifted her head and gave Mary a sharp glare, but the moistness of her eyes belied her true feelings.
“Clara, you are my daughter. I know you are a young woman now, but I still know you better than you know yourself. If you do not love him, then why are you so upset that it’s over?”
Clara searched for an answer, but she could not present one. Instead, she let her head drop and sighed. Mary sidled closer, putting her arm around Clara and drawing her in for a maternal hug.
“These things are never easy, Clara. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. What happened?”
“We went for a walk this morning. He thanked me for everything I’d done, and told me that our agreement had come to an end. There were signs that he might have felt something more, but I suppose I must have misread them,” she said, for she certainly wasn’t going to tell Mary about the kiss.
“I see.”
“I know he never promised me anything more, but it seemed so cold. We spent so much time together over the past few weeks, and now it’s over in the span of one conversation.
I’m not sure how my instincts could have led me so astray.
Why did I allow myself to feel these things? Why couldn’t I have been stronger?”
“Do not blame yourself, Clara. There is no fault in having an open heart. There is nothing stronger than loving someone,” Mary said. Clara wasn’t entirely sure about that. She didn’t feel strong at all. “And you don’t know that your instincts were wrong.”
Clara sniffed and looked up, a confused look upon her face.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, a gentleman’s heart is not always as clear as his intentions.”
“I cannot build a life on intentions,” Clara said. “If he wanted anything more there were plenty of opportunities for him to say as much. The fact he could dismiss me so easily proves that he wants nothing more to do with me.”
“You should not despair, Clara. Sometimes we have to be patient for true love. Gerald was not the man for you, but that doesn’t mean the right person isn’t out there. You may not have even met him yet,” she said.
Clara gave a wan smile, although she took no comfort in the words.
Frankly she didn’t want to be in love again.
It was difficult, challenging, and the reward did not seem worth the cost. Besides, how could she love anyone else when her feelings for Gerald were left unresolved?
It was best that she resign herself to her fate.
She would live for other people, never herself, because that’s what she was good at.
That’s what people expected from her.
The following day, Clara was at the orphanage. The children were outside, playing with Duke. Clara was tidying their toys. Teddy came inside.
“Oh Teddy, have you come to help me tidy up?” she asked.
Teddy took one look at the toys, but did not move.
“When is Gerald coming?” he asked.
“You know it’s proper to address him as ‘His Grace’,” Clara said, keeping her voice determinedly light. Lighter than the aching stone in her heart.
“When is His Grace coming?” Teddy asked.
“I’m not sure.”
“Will it be today?”
“I don’t know.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Teddy…”
“The day after?”
Clara lost her composure for a moment and slammed a toy into the toy box. She took a deep breath and held her palms out straight in front of her.
“Teddy, it might be a while before Gerald… before His Grace,” she corrected herself, “comes to visit again. I think it’s best if you focus on playing with the others and remember how things were before he started spending time here.
However, with the funds we raised, we will be able to do more fun things and get new toys and books,” Clara said, imbuing her voice with a sense of excitement in the hope that it would be transferred to Teddy.
But Teddy looked downcast.
“Doesn’t he like us anymore?” he said, pouting.
“Of course he does, but Dukes are busy people. They have many people depending on them and a lot of business to conduct. You’ll understand when you’re older, but we can’t always do what we want. There are lots of things that make demands on our time.”
“You’re old. You get to do what you want all the time. You’re the one who says that when we’re older we can eat as much cake as we want, but while we’re children you tell us how much we can eat. How can people be happy if they can never do what they want?” he asked, getting a little agitated.
It was a fine question, Clara thought, and she didn’t have a ready answer for him.
“It’s just the way life is, Teddy. I’m sorry, but I don’t have a better response than that.”
“It’s not fair,” he said, stamping his foot before turning away and running back outside.
Clara watched him from the window. He went to the others, and she assumed he told them that Gerald might not visit them again.
The children threw their hands up and fell back.
They looked morose, and Clara couldn’t help but feel responsible.
Gerald had shown an interest in returning to the orphanage, but would he really do so while Clara was present?
Surely it would be far too awkward for both of them, and he might think that it wasn’t worth the hassle.
The children would cope with it in time, she was certain, but the next few weeks were going to be difficult.
For them, and for her.