Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
“Iwish to be alone,” Lydia said.
She was staring at her reflection in a small mirror.
Her face was pale and drawn. It was difficult to conjure a smile.
She never imagined that she would hate the idea of getting married.
Whenever she envisioned her wedding, it always brought about a sense of joy and wonder. Now, there was only dread.
The door opened despite her wishes, and Rose entered the room. Lydia cast a gaze at her friend.
“Did you not hear me?” she said with an edge to her voice.
Rose was carrying a box. She laid it on the bed.
“I did, but a package arrived for you, and I thought some company might do you some good.”
Lydia let out a dry, bitter laugh. “Once again, people believe they know what is best for me. I might expect it from Edmund who sometimes still sees me as a child but not from you Rose.”
Rose came towards her and took her hand.
“Lydia, you know I only want you to be happy, but this is an impossible situation. And at least this way you can remain in London, and we can still be friends. If you became a nun, you would be isolated. You would lose everything you love.”
“But I would have my dignity,” Lydia said sadly. “I suppose you have not spoken to Edmund?”
“I did.” Rose glanced away, a crestfallen look coming upon her face. It was clear that the outcome was not what Lydia desired.
“He is just like mother and father.”
“In what way?” Rose asked.
“He broke his promise,” Her mother and father had promised to return from their research trip which ended up being their last journey and their final goodbye.
“Edmund is only trying to do the right thing, Lydia. He is trying to protect you. And let us not forget the special condition of the marriage.”
“So, you are on his side?”
“I…” Rose’s lips parted slowly. She let go of Lydia’s hand and sank on the bed, putting her head in her hands. “I am in a terrible position, Lydia. Edmund is my husband, but you are my friend.”
“Then it is not only I who find myself in an intolerable position. As for the special condition, do you really believe it will be so simple? I do not. In my experience, men are not in the habit of relinquishing their possessions.”
“We must trust the Duke’s word.”
“I cannot trust him when I do not know him. Do you not see the irony in this, Rose? That you, who did everything you could to avoid being forced into a marriage, are now suggesting that I should yield to that very same fate?” Lydia turned around, leaning against the back of her chair.
There was a despondent look on Rose’s face.
“No, it has not escaped me, Lydia. And I do wish there were more I could do. But the situation is what it is, and we are all only trying to do what is best. I know this life is not what you dreamed, but you never know what might happen in the future. The Duke of Nightford might turn out to be pleasant,” she suggested although Lydia could hear the doubt in her voice.
Lydia snorted a laugh.
“He cannot even accept responsibility for that baby. I have no idea what secrets a man like that is hiding. I know that you would have done everything you could to rail against a fate like this.”
“Yes, I would have. I would have suffered for it, and that is why I urge you to come to terms with this, Lydia. I do not want you to suffer. I want to spend time with you, to attend our book clubs, to see you as often as possible. You are my best friend, and I do not want to lose you to a nunnery. Perhaps if you look hard enough, you can still find purpose and happiness in life.”
“The only purpose I ever had was to fall in love, Rose. It is the only thing I have ever wanted, and now, that opportunity has been taken from me. How can I be happy?”
The two women looked away from each other.
The question lingered in the air but was swallowed by silence.
Lydia understood that Rose could offer no answer that was not a platitude, and she respected her friend too much to do such a thing.
Lydia’s situation became stark when she asked herself this question, and it was clear that this was a slow descent into misery.
Rose eventually broke the silence by turning to the box.
“You might as well see what he sent you,” Rose suggested.
Lydia sighed and moved to the bed. She undid the large ribbon that held the box together. The bow fell away neatly, the ribbon slipping like liquid. Lydia carefully lifted the lid, and then her eyes widened, despite her misgivings.
Inside the box was an exquisite wedding gown.
Lydia carefully took it out of the box, allowing it to rest against her arms. The fabric was the purest white muslin, and glittering jewels were embedded into the stitching.
There was a high waistline under the bust while the flowing skirt had a gathered back.
The long sleeves would cover her arms entirely.
“It’s beautiful,” Rose gasped, reaching out to touch the dress. Lydia clenched her jaw. It was the kind of dress she had always dreamed of wearing, and in this way, it almost seemed like an insult.
“It probably won’t even fit, I never gave him my measurements,” Lydia said.
Rose blushed with shame.
“I’m afraid I slipped them to Edmund, who gave them to the Duke,” she replied, her words becoming hurried when she saw the look of betrayal on Lydia’s face.
“If you are to get married, then it’s better that it should be in a dress that fits!
And Edmund told me that the Duke used his considerable influence to hasten the making of the dress.
I assume he had an existing one adjusted. ”
“Because I am not worth something new,” Lydia said softly.
She would get married. All her family and friends would be in attendance. The only thing lacking was the groom. And as much as the adornments of the day might match the dream that had existed in her mind for so long, the actual wedding would be hollow because there was no love.
And what was a marriage, or indeed a life, without love?
The wedding day arrived.
When Lydia awoke, she secretly wished that this had all been a strange nightmare, but of course, she was not given such luxury.
Edmund and Charlotte had both spoken with her, but their words could not provide any comfort.
Perhaps it was wrong of her to be spiteful towards them when deep down she knew they were all just trying to help, but it felt as though her life was not her own.
This left a deeply unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Maids had helped Lydia to get dressed, and while she admired her reflection, she could not enjoy it for long. Before they were due to leave for the ceremony, Agatha bustled into the room. She was wearing a bright yellow dress, making no attempt to be subtle at all.
“Oh Lydia, you do look absolutely stunning. You are everything a bride should be,” she said.
“That is not true, Grandmother. A bride should, above all, be happy.”
“Imagine this to be a dress rehearsal for your actual wedding. The special license means that this is not a typical marriage.”
“I’m glad you believe the Duke, but I fear that resolving this matter will not be so convenient.
It sounds like a lie someone would say to placate me and persuade me, and once we are married, of course, it will be too late to reverse anything.
And even then, nobody will be able to deny that I have been married.
I only ever wanted to have one true love, one true husband. That can never be the case now.”
Agatha sighed. “Lydia, you must stop this. Let’s say that indeed you are right, and you never become free of this marriage.
Sometimes we need to accept the life we are given, not the life we want.
That is what you must do now. If you become bitter, it will eat you up inside and infect any chance you have to find happiness in your new life. ”
“Am I not allowed to be bitter? I am the only one of my siblings who has not been allowed the life she wants. Charlotte was able to publish her books and get married despite being told that the two were mutually exclusive. Edmund was able to live a carefree life until he found Rose. Why am I the only one who has to yield to other people’s demands? ”
Agatha’s eyes bore a great deal of pity.
“I don’t know, Lydia. And I am sorry this happened to you.
There’s nothing I wanted more than for you to live out your dreams, but sometimes dreams have to remain just that.
I have seen a lot in my time. I have witnessed many marriages, and let me tell you, by and large they are not filled with love from the beginning.
In most of them, love is something that grows. It has to be nurtured like a flower.”
“That wasn’t the case for mother and father,” Lydia said, almost resenting her parents for finding it so easy.
“They were lucky to have found each other. What they had was rare,” Agatha said, her words imbued with sorrow.
She put her arm around Lydia’s waist. “It does not come for everyone, but that does not mean you cannot be happy. Look at Mary for instance. If she had not become a widow, then she would have remained in a practical marriage.”
“So you are saying I must hope for Victor to die?” Lydia arched an eyebrow. Agatha gave her a look.
“No, that is not what I am saying at all. You need to find happiness where you can. Life is a series of challenges and compromises. You will find your way; it may just be different than what you envisioned. But please do not think of this as the end of your life, Lydia. You have far too many years left for that, and when you are my age, I hope that you look back and realize that you made the best of things rather than wallowing in despair.”
Lydia recognized the wisdom in her grandmother’s words, but she wasn’t yet ready to accept them. Soon after this, Edmund came to fetch her. Lydia still resented him for breaking his promise, and while he apologized, he did not change his mind.
They entered the carriage. Lydia was swallowed by her dress. There was a heaviness in her stomach, and she racked her brains, trying to think of a reason to delay the wedding, but nothing came to mind.
Soon enough she would be married, and all hope of a happy ending would be lost to her.