Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
“Shhh, there now; there’s a good boy,” Lydia said, trying to comfort John. She couldn’t help but feel like a failure every time he cried.
There was something wrong, but he was unable to express it verbally, so it was up to her to decipher the meaning, and she did not always succeed.
It was a reminder that John was not truly hers and might never be, and any care she could give him would be inadequate compared to that which might have been given by his mother.
Mary and Charlotte had both spoken of mother’s intuition. They seemed to know what was wrong with their children innately, and Lydia assumed this was something that developed through the bond of carrying the child. If the mother was here, then she might well know what to do better than Lydia did.
And of course, Victor wasn’t any help whatsoever. She wouldn’t have been surprised had John picked up on the tension between them, and that’s what caused his strife.
They returned to the nursery, and Lydia continued to soothe him.
“I should remind you that it is your fault we are in this mess. If you had not been snooping in places you didn’t belong, then we would never have been caught together.
There would have been no scandal for us to deal with, and I could have dealt with the baby myself.
He would be in an orphanage by now,” Victor said.
Lydia looked shocked and cradled John a little more tightly.
“How can you say such a thing? You would just discard him?” She pulled her head to the side, trying to put as much distance between her ear and John’s ear as possible.
“I would try to find him the best care possible,” Victor retorted. “Can you not do anything to quiet him?”
Lydia glared.
“I’m trying,” she said through gritted teeth.
At that moment Georgia came into the room, smiling.
“Perhaps he needs a feeding. He is a hungry one,” she said. Lydia handed John over to Geogia, who settled down and held him at her bosom. However, John writhed and squirmed. He did not seek food at all. If anything, he tried to push himself away. Geogia looked dismayed and shook her head.
“I’m sorry, but it must be something else.”
Lydia opened her arms and took John back.
She started pacing back and forth from one side of the room to the other, swinging, and swaying John in her arms, remembering what Charlotte used to do with Matthew.
She continued to make comforting noises although she wondered if John could even hear her whispers over his loud cries.
John’s face was red by now, and his toothless mouth was wide open. He trembled with strong emotions, emotions that were far too big for his little body. Every cry brought a sense of shame to Lydia, causing her to feel as though she wasn’t enough for him.
“Perhaps I can still try to calm him,” Georgia suggested, but Lydia shook her head.
She wanted to do this by herself, and so Georgia left the room.
However, Lydia itched because of Victor’s judgmental gaze.
She could feel it upon her, thinking that she was silly and foolish and just a girl trying to be a woman.
The crying grew louder and louder until it seemed to fill the whole room. It shot through Lydia’s mind, leaving her frazzled. The sound was everywhere. It was suffocating and crushing, and it didn’t seem like it was ever going to end.
Was it truly possible for a baby to cry forever?
What if the wailing never stopped?
What if he hated her?
Then, Victor strode forward and stood in front of Lydia, impeding her path. She turned her head away, thinking that he was about to have some strong words for her. Instead, he directed his words at John.
“Now listen here young man, this will not do. This is not the proper way to behave, and the sooner you learn that the better. You must stop this crying at once because there is no need for all this noise.”
His voice was firm, but calm. He did not shout at John. However, speaking to John as if he were a grown man did not work either. Victor stared, looking lost, and that was exactly how Lydia felt as well.
It occurred to her that if he was more pleasant, then they might have used this as an opportunity to bond.
They could have found some respite with each other, but instead, it felt as though she had to deal with this all by herself.
There had to be something she could do, perhaps a combination of words or a particular song or a certain way to hold him.
Then again, it might just be that he knew she wasn’t his mother, and in that case, nothing could help soothe him.
But then John twisted in her arms as if he were going to leap out. With both of his tiny hands, he reached away from her.
To Victor.
“I think he wants you,” Lydia said in a strained tone as she was trying to keep hold of John.
“Me? Why does he want me?”
“I don’t know. He’s a baby. He hasn’t developed discerning taste yet,” she said. She closed the distance between her and Victor while the Duke put his hands up, trying to avoid holding the crying baby.
“Victor, it’s not as though you haven’t held him before,” Lydia scolded.
“It’s different when he’s like this. He’s like a wild animal.”
“He’s just upset, and he wants you. Perhaps he’ll settle down when he gets what he wants.”
“I’m not sure we should give into him like that. He needs to learn that he cannot throw a tantrum to get his own way.”
“Victor, he’s a baby. He is not going to understand that. Please, just take him,” she said. John had ideas of his own as well. The baby practically leaped into Victor’s arms. Lydia went with him, and Victor had no choice but to take John.
As this happened, Lydia became aware of the close proximity between them.
It was only the briefest of touches, but it was enough to send a wave of arousal flashing through Lydia’s body.
She staggered back, so intense was the touch, so desperate was she to bring relief to her arms. A dizzying feeling passed through her mind, for the sensation was startling and disturbing.
Victor held John tightly, his hands clasped around the baby’s body. John’s legs dangled down, and he was still crying.
“He’s still crying,” Victor said in a deadpan tone.
“Come, sit down. He’s not comfortable,” Lydia said, gesturing to the seat.
“That makes two of us,” the Duke replied, but he did as Lydia suggested. She showed him how to cradle John and how to rock him back and forth. John looked so small in Victor’s hands, as though he might disappear.
“Make sure you support the head,” she said.
“It’s hardly as though it’s going to fall off,” he replied, although again he followed her guidance.
John started to settle. The crying slowed, like a torrent of water that became a trickle, and then stopped completely.
John nestled into the Duke’s arms and breathed happily.
Lydia did the same. The tension that wrapped around her chest loosened, and she was able to breathe more easily.
She put a hand to her forehead and smiled.
“Are all babies so demanding?” he asked, arching his eyebrows as he stared at John.
“Only the clever ones,” she replied.
“Is that so? Well, in that case, John, you might well grow up to be the smartest man in England. That would be a surprise, wouldn’t it, from such humble beginnings?”
Lydia tried not to think about the life that John was going to have because it was a life in which she would likely have no part.
While her mother had always tried to remind her that part of caring for something was setting it free, Lydia had never been able to prevent herself from being unhappy about that.
The loss was always profound, but it was a challenge to care for something while also maintaining emotional distance.
She rarely succeeded, and as she stared at Victor, she wondered how he could hold John and not feel any pull towards him or any sense of care or responsibility.
“We shouldn’t argue in front of him like that. I believe he can pick up on the tension,” she said.
“Perhaps you are right, but in that case, you really must stop persisting with this idea that I am in some way responsible for what happened. I have no idea who that maid was or why she left the child here, if indeed it was her.”
“And you must stop getting annoyed with me for having influence over the house. There are going to be questions about this child, and people are still going to talk. If there is any hint that things are not as they should be within our marriage, then it will only serve to arouse suspicion and invite more questions. I’m sure you do not wish to garner more attention. ”
“No,” Victor said firmly, and a sour look came onto his face. “There has been far too much of that already. But we must make one agreement at least. I believe my time is better spent searching for John’s mother. You are far better at attending to his needs.”
“Perhaps, although it does not seem that way at the moment.” She smiled as she said this, looking upon the baby nestled perfectly, quietly in the Duke’s arms. It was almost impossible to believe that just a few moments ago, John had been screaming his little heart out.
“You might have missed your calling, Victor. You could take care of John while I managed the business.”
The Duke was caught looking into John’s eyes.
John had a hypnotic quality about him, where time could slip away so easily just by looking at him.
It was hard for Lydia to tear her gaze away because she feared missing out on a wriggle, a gurgle, or a twitch.
It was a wonder that Charlotte had managed to get any books written with Matthew around.
“I hardly think so,” Victor replied dryly, “although it is reassuring to know that I am not completely incapable. You can rely on me should there ever be an emergency.”
Lydia smirked. Of course, he would attempt to put limitations on the time he spent with John.
The Duke was hardly generous with his attention or his time, but she did not challenge this at the moment for fear that it would arouse John’s unhappiness again.
The ache was only just beginning to fade from her mind.
As she gazed at Victor holding the baby, she couldn’t help but feel touched by the sight.
However, the fact that John calmed down in Victor’s arms made her wonder if there was something more to their connection.
The Duke denied it and claimed that the baby wearing his crest was just a coincidence, but she couldn’t shake the thought that the baby might still be his.
Perhaps that was why he seemed so reluctant to spend time with the child, because it reminded him of his shame. He was so averse to scandal that it made her wonder if he feared the truth. There was so much about the man that she did not know. Her husband was a mystery to her.
What dark secrets is he hiding?