Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
The journey to London had not been arduous.
The weather had been mild, and they had not come across any hazards.
The horses were dependable, and they had been able to take respite at various locations, which helped to make the journey less irritating for John.
While he was calm for most of the time as the trundling rhythm of the carriage comforted him, there were moments when he became restless, and he appreciated the outside air.
John had ridden in the carriage with Lydia, Georgia, and Victor. Victor hadn’t said much during the carriage ride while Georgia had been happy to babble away.
Now, they were at Victor’s townhouse in London, back where all this had begun. Lydia stood in the doorway of the room in which she had found John.
“You seem pensive,” Victor said. She gasped, having been so lost in thought that she hadn’t noticed his approach. He held out an arm expectantly, gesturing into the room. It took her a while to realize that he wanted to get past. She moved aside.
His back pressed against her chest, and an overwhelming wave swept through her. The air became alive with his scent, and she had an urge to stretch out a hand and stroke his back. Her fingers grasped nothing but air, and she felt foolish for trying to touch him in this way.
Lydia drew her hand back into herself, not quite sure what had prompted her to make such a rash action. She was pleased that Victor had not seemed to notice. He moved past the bed and opened some drawers.
“I was simply thinking about how different things might have been if I didn’t come searching for grandmother,” she said.
“Yes. The thought had crossed my mind as well,” Victor murmured. “We wouldn’t be married for one thing.”
“No, but I wouldn’t be taking care of John either.”
“You would have been free of the burden,” Victor replied.
“Do you still see it as a burden?”
Victor turned, and she couldn’t quite comprehend the look in his eyes. “Of course, it is a burden.”
“You can be heartless sometimes, Victor.”
“I am only stating the truth. A child is a burden on anyone. That does not mean I do not enjoy spending time with him, or looking after him, but it is an extra responsibility, and that cannot be denied.”
As he said this, he pulled out a blanket from the drawer, the same kind in which John had been swaddled on that first day.
Lydia stared at the family’s emblem, and once again wondered if Victor was hiding something from her.
Was that why he hadn’t acknowledged their kiss because he was ashamed of lying to her?
She wished he could just be honest with her. For someone who spoke about honor in such reverent tones, he did not seem to heed its requirements.
“Is there something else?” Victor stared at her.
Lydia sighed. “I suppose not,” she said and then turned away.
Her footsteps were forlorn. Although she did not welcome the current circumstances of her life, she wasn’t sure that she would have changed things if she could.
John’s presence had made such an indelible mark on her that she couldn’t wish for a life without him.
She knew it was foolish because he wasn’t really her child, but she cared for him, worried about him, was amused by him, and took joy in his presence.
It was hard not to feel love for something that was so pure and innocent, someone who demanded so much from her and yet gave such profound feelings back in return.
John needed her in a way that nobody had before, and Lydia could not shirk that responsibility. She wasn’t sure that she wanted to be relieved of it either, but did she dare hope that John’s mother wouldn’t have been found? The only problem was that it meant she would be forced to stay with Victor.
There was a shadow to every light.
Thinking about John so much made Lydia’s heart ache, so she sought him out.
To her surprise, John wasn’t alone. Lord Harry was in the room, rocking the baby gently, singing an old folk song in a low, solemn voice.
Lydia smiled because John looked content, and Lord Harry only stopped when he noticed Lydia standing in the doorway.
“Oh, I’m sorry that you had to hear that,” he said with a sheepish smile.
“You don’t have to apologize. John seemed to like it.”
“I’m not sure he has developed a discerning taste yet, but he is a receptive audience. Would you like him?” Lord Harry offered John to her.
Lydia would, but she did not want to disturb the baby.
“He seems quite happy in your arms,” Lydia said.
“Yes… he does. It’s strange, I’ve never been around children before, but it’s not as difficult as it looks, is it? It’s as though our arms are designed to hold them.”
“Yes, I was nervous when my nephew arrived in the world, but I took to it quite naturally. I think being caring comes naturally to some people,” she said, a frustrated tone coming into her voice.
“May I assume you are speaking about someone in particular?” Lord Harry asked.
Lydia realized she had forgotten her manners. “Of course not,” she said, a little flustered. Lord Harry just laughed.
“You don’t have to put on airs around me. I’ve been Victor’s brother a lot longer than you’ve been his wife. I know how frustrating he can be, but at least he’s done the right thing by this child,” Lord Harry said.
“Yes… I suppose he has. I’m sorry by the way. Victor told me what happened to you. It can’t have been easy to be told that you couldn’t be with the person you loved.”
The laughter faded, and Lord Harry’s face fell.
“Yes, well, there’s no changing some things.
We just have to get on with it and hope for the best. It’s all part of life, and that’s what’s waiting for you, isn’t it John?
” Lord Harry lifted John up and smiled widely.
John kicked out his legs and giggled. Lydia couldn’t help but smile too and found the contrast between Victor and Lord Harry remarkable.
Victor had struggled to bond with John whereas Lord Harry seemed to find it entirely natural.
“I know we are not well-acquainted with each other, but may I ask you a question?” Lydia asked, her voice trembling a little.
Lord Harry turned his attention away from John and nodded.
“Of course. We are family, after all, for as long as it may last.” He winked.
Lydia blushed, not quite used to referring to the situation in such casual terms. It was different for Lord Harry, of course, as he wasn’t living it, and he might actually have felt some sense of enjoyment, a little revenge for how Victor had prevented him from being with his love.
“Are people still speaking of us? I wish to know so that I can properly prepare myself for the ball.”
Lord Harry’s face fell which was all that Lydia needed to know.
“I’m afraid so. It really has captured people’s imagination, and they can’t quite move on yet.
They still speak about how they all rushed through the house and found the three of you in the room.
I think if this were something that had happened elsewhere, it wouldn’t be so stubborn, but people lived it, and they are keen to share the story over and over again because…
well… it makes them feel important, I should think.
It just shows how empty their lives are.
I wouldn’t pay too much attention to it.
Unfortunately, my brother is too sensitive to our family’s reputation and believes that if the family name should be stained then we shall all drop dead. ”
Lord Harry’s tone became harsh and bitter. He caught himself before he said anything more and instead turned his attention back to John which cheered him up swiftly.
“Thank you,” Lydia said. She approached John and kissed him on the head. “I shall see you when I return. Be well and be happy.”
She bid Lord Harry farewell too and then returned to her chamber. Maids were waiting to help her get ready. They brushed her hair, cleaned her hands, placed jewelry about her person, and fastened the dress around her body.
It was the first ball she and Victor were attending as a married couple.
Ordinarily at this stage she would have been giggling nervously while thinking about what suitors she might meet.
There had always been a keen sense of anticipation in her heart because there was always the possibility that she might meet her true love.
Even though ball after ball and event after event had ended with disappointment in this regard, each one brought a renewed sense of joy, and the bright hope had never dimmed.
But now that flame had been fully extinguished. There was no true love for her because she was shackled to Victor, and so she wasn’t sure how she could look forward to the ball with any level of anticipation.
In time, she was ready and descended the stairs.
Victor was waiting for her. He was dressed in a black suit with white gloves, looking dapper.
His hair was slick and shiny, while there was a fresh scent trailing around him in the air.
His eyes came alive when he saw Lydia, and it brought back the sensation that had passed through her when he first saw her in the dress.
Butterflies appeared in her stomach, but she reminded herself that he was only doing this to present a facade to the ton. He offered her his arm. She took it. They walked out to the carriage, and he helped her inside.
“I’m glad we picked that dress,” he said.
Lydia was not sure what to say to that.
The carriage set off. The horses clopped steadily through London, the dim pallor of the city darker than she remembered.
Lydia stared out of the window and wrung her hands together.
She gnawed on her lower lip, a habit that Agatha had lectured her about repeatedly, yet she did not seem to be able to stop.
“Are you feeling unwell?” Victor asked.
“No, I’m just worried about John. Do you think he’ll miss us?”
“I’m not sure if he has any perception of time yet. I assume that is the case since he does not seem to care at what hour he wakes.”
“But what if he wants us and he cannot settle? I hate thinking of him crying, thinking we have abandoned him. He has already been abandoned once,” Lydia said, her voice heavy with emotion.
Victor exhaled deeply, not quite a sigh but close to it.
“I think you are projecting things onto him that he does not feel. Besides, Georgia is there to feed and care for him. He knows her, and he feels safe with her. Beyond that there are at least ten maids, and that is far more than is sufficient. I’m sure that they could look after ten babies if it was required. ”
“But he isn’t just any baby, he’s…” She stopped short, biting her tongue.
She had been about to call him ‘our baby’ but did not want to incur Victor’s wrath or hear him speak again about how John was a burden.
While she was impressed with the strides Victor had taken to treat John with the attention he needed, it still felt to her as though Victor did this out of a sense of necessity rather than affection.
“He’ll be fine,” he said softly. “And he’ll only be without us for a few hours. I’m sure we’ll get back, and he’ll be just as happy as when we left. There’s no need for you to spend the evening fretting so please, put the thought out of your mind.”
“You’re probably right,” Lydia said, but the maternal instinct had quickly become powerful, and it wasn’t something she could easily shrug away. It was difficult to adjust to this shifting role, having been forced to abruptly turn from a debutante into a wife and a mother.
Even though she wasn’t either of these things, not really.