Chapter Twenty-four
Grace had no idea how long they clung to each other, minutes, hours, days. Nothing mattered except Tobias.
When he finally lifted his head, she was dazed.
‘Grace.’ The look on Tobias’ face was like nothing she had ever seen before; his eyes were glazed, stunned. For the first time in her life, she felt beautiful.
Her fingers curled into his jacket. She never wanted to let go.
‘Tobias,’ she replied.
His lips curved, amused or as happy as her. He brushed his lips against her forehead and she breathed him in. Now it did not seem so absurd to ask him what cologne he used. This surely changed everything between them.
‘Grace, I…’ He half-laughed. ‘I appear to have forgotten my words.’
She did not think he meant his normal difficulties with speech.
Like her, the rest of his world had fallen away and it was impossible to talk about what had happened between them.
It was thrilling to know she’d had such an impact on this proud, stoic man.
A man she had not known was capable of such emotion.
She could not reach his mouth without raising her feet.
Boneless, she pressed a kiss to his chest, his shirt soft beneath her lips.
His laugh was a gentle huff of air.
Then they were kissing again, and she had no idea who had moved first. His hand was back on her cheek, tilting her head, changing the angle, the slide of his tongue against hers.
Either she stumbled or one of them dragged the other to the ground; all she knew was that she was upright and then she was half-lying on him, half-lying on the ground, his fingers still in her hair, her hand splayed across his chest. Her clothes were itchy, scratchy against her skin.
She wanted them off, to feel his body against hers.
Tobias was kissing her as if his life depended on it, but he was making no move to take it any further.
His hands remained chaste; he did not tug on her clothes nor reach for the parts of her that ached for him most. He was a gentleman; he probably wouldn’t take this any further unless she made it clear she was willing.
She had never seduced anyone, had no idea how to proceed.
Lifting her head, she looked down at him.
His hair was standing on end, his cravat rumpled, his pupils wide.
He blinked up at her, confusion evident on his face.
He glanced around at his surroundings, almost as if he had never seen the area before.
‘How did…?’ He shook his head. ‘I do apologise. We appear to have ended up on the ground.’
She laughed, the politeness of his words at odds with what they were doing. His answering smile was the most relaxed she had ever seen. ‘There is no need to apologise,’ she said. ‘It might well have been me who pulled us to the floor.’
He shook his head again. ‘I doubt it.’
‘I am holding you down.’ She nodded to her hand, still resting on his chest. Beneath her palm, his heart raced, as quickly as hers.
‘Hm. You are right. I do not think I could escape from such a hold.’ His hand came up to cover hers, his thumb tracing a circle against her skin.
‘Tobias, would you like…? Should we…? Here perhaps.’ Her words were garbled and he obviously did not understand her meaning, because he frowned slightly.
She could hardly blame him; propositioning someone was harder than she had imagined.
Trying again, she said, ‘Would you like to stay here a bit longer and maybe we could…?’
His confused expression cleared, his eyes widening.
‘Oh. I…’ He scrubbed a hand over his face and a sinking feeling crept over her.
This was not the action of a man who wanted to lie with a woman, despite the way they had been acting moments ago.
She pushed herself upright. He caught her hand, holding it before she could move away completely.
‘Grace, I… I was not expecting you to suggest that. Give me a moment.’
For long, awkward seconds, they lay in silence, Grace holding herself slightly away from him.
Grace wished she knew how to swim, so she could plunge herself into the depths of the lake and get away from this desperate uncomfortableness.
All the good feelings inside her, the ones that had slowly built over the morning, were fleeing at an alarming speed.
‘As much as it pains me to say it,’ he said eventually. ‘I do not think it is a good idea.’
‘Is it because we are outside?’ she asked, hating how small her voice sounded, but needing a reason that made sense to her. Because to be turned down for such a thing, by a man who’d been kissing you as if his very life depended on it, must be vanishingly rare.
‘It is because we are not married. It would be doing you a great dishonour.’
‘I do not mind about that,’ she reassured him quickly. ‘It is not as if anyone needs to know.’
He closed his eyes briefly. ‘I would know and, while I am sure it would be wonderful, here or anywhere else, it would not make me proud of myself in the long run. You deserve much more than a quick tumble, Grace.’
The words were kindly meant, but they were a rejection nonetheless. The pain around her heart was swift and vicious. She turned away from him, not wanting him to see how much he had hurt her.
‘Grace.’ She nodded to show she had heard him, but she did not look back down at him. His fingers gently touched the side of her face and he turned her to face him. ‘You have repeatedly said you do not wish to marry me. Have you changed your mind?’
The pain in her chest intensified. Taking her hand from where it remained on him, she pressed her palm to the spot where it hurt, massaging it, as if that would ease the misery. ‘It is not… I have not…’
He let out a long sigh and pushed himself up into sitting. ‘That does not sound like a yes.’
‘I am not cut out to be a duchess, Tobias.’
‘Why not?’ His lips were twisted in displeasure now, all trace of desire gone.
His question irritated her. It should be obvious to him why she would never be his wife.
‘Because being the duchess of a long and well-respected lineage will come with an equally long list of things I cannot do, alongside rules which I must follow. I have already had one marriage where I was restricted beyond anything that was tolerable. I will not do that again.’
His face had become a blank mask, and she hated it. ‘I see.’
If that was how he was going to be, she might as well throw everything into the mix. ‘And I cannot have children, Tobias. I was married for ten years. For eight of those, where there was a possibility that I might, I did not fall pregnant once. A duke needs an heir and I cannot provide it.’
‘When have I ever given you the impression I want an heir of my own?’ His jaw was tight now, anger setting in. ‘Never. If you have heard that I need a wife to provide me with one, then those words have not come from my mouth. I have four brothers. One of them will have a son.’
He did not understand what he was saying, not really. ‘You would be a wonderful father. You already are to Charlotte. I will not take that option from you.’
‘But you would lie with me now. You would be my mistress but not my wife?’ His eyes were blazing with fury, as if she had offered him an insult instead of a resolution.
‘I… Not now, not when you are so angry. But, it is the best solution. Do you not see that?’
He was shaking his head before she had even finished speaking. ‘What do you think Sebastian and Clare would say to me treating you with such disrespect?’
‘It cannot be disrespect if it is something I choose.’ He was still shaking his head, refusing to acknowledge that this thing between them could be something fun, something joyous, but not something serious.
‘Besides, guessing what they would say is irrelevant. They are not here. And there is another thing.’
‘What?’ His question was almost a bark.
‘You have not asked me to be your wife.’
He held her gaze for a long moment. ‘I have not asked you to be my mistress either.’ She said nothing to that. ‘And if I did ask you to become my duchess, would the answer be yes?’
‘That is an unfair question.’
‘Fine. I will rephrase it. Will you marry me, Grace?’
Shock rendered her speechless; his eyes were wide, as if he had not thought to utter the words either. Despite their heated exchange, she would never have expected a proposal from him. ‘You do not mean that,’ she managed eventually.
‘I do.’
‘You cannot mean it.’
He finally looked away from her, gazing out across the lake. ‘I take it from your response that your answer is no. You would give me your body, but not your hand.’
She didn’t respond. She couldn’t.
‘In that case,’ he said, standing and pulling her upright, ‘I thank you for the compliment of your generous offer, but in this instance, I shall decline.’
The ride back to the stables was utterly miserable, and Grace had no one to blame but herself.