Chapter 23
“Thank you for asking me to dance, Your Grace,” Lady Isabelle said.
Her voice was clear and melodic. Her gray eyes shone with happiness as he led her around the dance floor. She stood tall, her gaze fixed upon him, doing the steps with energy.
She was interested. It was clear.
Nathaniel should have felt happy about that.
But the moment he had taken Lady Isabelle in his arms, he had realized that this was all wrong. She wasn’t someone he wanted to be dancing with. Oh, she was friendly enough, and pretty, but inside he felt nothing at all.
I don’t have to feel anything, he tried to remind himself. I’m not looking for love here. That doesn’t have to be what this is.
And yet, shouldn’t he feel something? Shouldn’t there be a sense of interest, at least? Curiosity to hear what she would say next? Excitement at the idea that she might one day be Colin’s mother?
He felt none of those things. It was as if he was dancing with a doll. A lovely doll, but even so, a doll.
He wanted it to be over. He wanted to return to Dorothy and tell her what it had been like, and see what she had to say about it. That sounded like much more fun than this dance was.
Over Lady Isabelle’s shoulder, he caught a glimpse of Dorothy. She had resumed her place by the wall, and for a moment, their eyes met. Then she looked away quickly.
Had she been watching him?
He stole another glance at her.
She really did look wonderful in that gown.
He had been right to send it to her. He hadn’t even thought of the fact that it matched her eyes, but he supposed now that he must have realized it on some level.
That couldn’t have been just a coincidence.
And yet, when he thought back on finding it, it was the roses that were front and center in his mind.
He liked that. He liked the fact that the dress had reminded him of Dorothy for a reason that nobody else could see—that even she hadn’t seen.
She looks lovely in my gown, and I’m the only one who truly knows why, he thought, with a burst of pride and possessiveness. I’m the only one who sees her and thinks about the way her cheeks go pink when she’s embarrassed and how beautiful she is when she’s blushing for me…
He stopped himself. What an odd thought that had been. She didn’t belong to him, after all. He hadn’t sent that gown as a way of claiming her. Why should he feel so enthused about the fact that it created a secret bond between the two of them?
I’m just letting my thoughts run away with me because I’m not having a good time with this dance.
It occurred to him, suddenly, that Lady Isabelle must know. She must be able to read his mood from the way he was carrying himself, the same way Dorothy had shown him to do with her.
Ashamed, he refocused his attention on her.
But now her gaze had wandered. In the absence of his focus on her, she had begun to pay attention to other things around the room. He wanted to say something to her, to draw her back to him, but the music ended and she pulled away.
“Thank you,” she said again, politely but with none of the enthusiasm she had had when they’d first spoken. She gave a little curtsy and a smile that seemed a bit sad, then turned and walked away before he could say anything at all in return.
I ruined it, he realized.
He knew he had. She’d been interested in him at first, but by ignoring her during the dance, he had lost her interest. That quickly the idea of Lady Isabelle had gone up in smoke. There would be no winning her back now.
“I’m sure that isn’t true,” Dorothy said when he had told her the story. “I mean, I’m sure there’s still a chance. All you’d need to do would be to explain to her that you were distracted over something. She’d understand. She’s really a very lovely person.”
“I can tell that,” Nathaniel said. “There was nothing wrong with Lady Isabelle. I was the one behaving badly.”
“Well, apologize to her. I’m sure she would give you a second chance, Nathaniel.”
Nathaniel shook his head. “I don’t think it was the right choice anyway, the two of us,” he said.
“There was a reason I couldn’t keep my attention on her.
She just wasn’t very engaging. I’m sorry I ruined the chance, but if I can’t even imagine going back and trying to repair things.
It just wasn’t the right solution after all. ”
Dorothy nodded. “All right,” she agreed.
“You don’t mind? I know you’ve put a lot of thought and trouble into helping me talk to her.”
Dorothy laughed. “Mind? Why would that matter?”
She didn’t sound angry, just a bit confused. “I just thought you might be upset that I wasted the opportunity.”
“Well, you can’t marry someone that you don’t want to marry,” she said reasonably. “Even if I was bothered, I would be foolish to expect that of you.”
“I suppose so.”
“But it doesn’t bother me,” she clarified. “I had no particular need to see you settled with Lady Isabelle. She was just the first good idea that came to me. If she isn’t right for you, we’ll come up with someone else.”
Relief filled him. “Thank you,” he said. “I thought you might just give up on me.”
“Of course I wouldn’t do that,” Dorothy said. “We’re in this together, Nathaniel. We’ve already agreed to that. I’ll be in it until you find what you’re looking for, I promise you.”
There was a pause, and their eyes met. She was smiling now, and he recalled that she hadn’t been when he had danced with her earlier.
Maybe this would be a chance to have a more enjoyable experience.
Maybe she had forgiven him for the misstep of sending that gown—even though he was still glad he had done it.
“Will you dance with me again?” he asked, holding out his hand.
She hesitated. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea, Nathaniel,” she said. “For me to be the only lady you dance with two times tonight. People notice things like that.”
“Don’t people already think you and I are courting?” he asked. “What is this going to change? If they see us together now, it will only fuel a rumor they already believe, isn’t that true?”
“It’s not a good thing for you that they believe it, Nathaniel,” Dorothy told him harshly, the smile dropping off her face.
“You understood this, I thought. This is why we don’t want too many gifts exchanged.
You want a lady to think your interest in her is special, not that you might also be interested in me. ”
“Well, let me worry about that,” he said. “I’ve heard your concerns, and thank you, but it sounds as though our spending time together does you no harm, and you’re only worried about the impact on me. Is that right?”
“I suppose,” she allowed.
“I’ll accept whatever fallout might come my way. I’d like to dance.” And once more, he held out his hand.
She sighed, and Nathaniel knew that he hadn’t convinced her this was actually a good idea. But she allowed herself to be led out onto the dance floor anyway.
It was more crowded this time than it had been during their first dance.
People were starting to join in on things.
The added crowds meant that, counter to what Nathaniel would have expected, it was easier to have a conversation without being listened to.
The chatter around them disguised their voices.
And while there were some people looking around to see who was dancing together, it seemed as though most people were paying more attention to their own dance partners than to what was going on around them.
Feeling insulated by that fact, Nathaniel dared to say something that had been on his mind for a few days. “You ought to come pay a visit to me at home,” he said.
She stared at him. “I ought to do what?”
He cringed inwardly. He had phrased that badly. “What I mean is, you ought to come and see Colin,” he amended. “He’s been asking about you.”
“I wasn’t sure he would even remember that I’d been there,” Dorothy said, her features softening. “He’s asked about me?”
“Yes. He definitely remembers the time you spent together,” Nathaniel said.
“I think he was very reassured by the idea that someone was with him. It made the illness easier for him. But now he wants to know who it was sitting with him that night. He’s asked me several times whether you’re ever going to come to the house again, whether he’s going to go on seeing you.
It would be good for him to have a visit from you in a situation that wasn’t so dire, so that he’d be able to form a clear picture of who you are and what kind of relationship he can expect going forward. ”
She hesitated for a moment. “What kind of relationship can he expect?” she asked. “I mean…when I came to your home the night he was ill, it was a spur of the moment thing, not something either one of us had put any thought into. It’s not as if I’m going to be doing that regularly.”
“Well, yes and no,” Nathaniel said. “I mean, you and I are friends, right?”
“Is that what we are?”
“I think so,” he said. “You’re helping me with all these things; that’s something a friend would do.
And besides, we were always going to be each other’s friends to a degree, given the fact that all our friends are married to one another.
Even after I’ve met my wife and married her, you and I will be a part of one another’s lives. ”
“I suppose you’re right about that,” Dorothy agreed.
“Which means you’ll be able to go on seeing Colin,” he concluded.
“Nathaniel…do people not know that you have Colin?”
“I’ve asked Gabriel and Jonathan not to tell anyone,” he said.
“I haven’t wanted word to get around until I sort out the question of a mother for him.
I don’t want ladies chasing me because they’re enamored of the idea of having a poor little orphan boy to raise.
” He shuddered at the thought. “Colin deserves better than that.”
“I understand,” she said, her eyes warm and sympathetic. “I haven’t said anything to anyone. And I won’t. Not until you’re ready for people to know.”
“Thank you,” he murmured, surprised that she had noticed this, grateful that she had troubled to keep quiet about it. The secret would come out soon by necessity, but it meant a lot to him to be able to control when and how that happened.
“I’d be grateful for the chance to come and see Colin under better circumstances,” Dorothy told him, the smile returning to her face. “I thought he was a lovely boy, Nathaniel. I’d like to be able to get to know him a little better. Thank you for offering.”
“Of course,” he said, tension leaving him now that she had accepted. “Colin will be thrilled.”
He couldn’t help feeling that this ball had been a resounding success, in spite of the fact that he was no closer to his goal of marriage. Even though he had bungled things with Lady Isabelle, he had ensured that Colin would get to see Dorothy again.
And he’d been able to see her in that beautiful gown, too.
All in all, he thought as the music ended, it had been a good night.