Chapter 27
“Dorothy, that’s the third time I’ve asked you a question and you haven’t answered,” Agnes said, closing her book and setting it down. “Where are you today? You aren’t here with us, that much is clear.”
“Leave her be, Agnes,” Violet said. “Something’s on her mind, that’s all, and she’s allowed to have her thoughts to herself.”
“She might as well tell us, though,” Agnes said. “Perhaps we could be of help.”
Dorothy sighed, leaning back in her chair.
The truth was that she’d contemplated not even coming to today’s book club meeting.
Though she usually looked forward to these events as the highlight of her social calendar, today she wanted to be on her own.
She wanted solitude and quiet and a chance to ponder the strange things she’d felt when she had seen Nathaniel in the park with Lady Amanda.
There was no good reason for the way she had reacted. She should have been happy to see it. She was the one who’d suggested Lady Amanda would be a good match, after all, and she still believed that to be true. Lady Amanda was kind and sweet, and she would make an ideal mother for Colin.
So why had it stabbed her in the heart to see Nathaniel taking her advice?
For some reason, all she could think of was the picnic. Not the moment afterward, when it had seemed as if he was going to kiss her—though that would live in her mind forever, she was sure. But it was the moments outside, watching Colin together, that haunted her.
He wanted me to come around again. To continue spending time with him and with Colin. But I suppose now that will have to end. Lady Amanda wouldn’t like it.
“I’m all right,” she told her friends, who were still waiting expectantly for some sort of answer. “Really, I am. There’s nothing to worry about, I promise you. I just feel a bit tired.”
“No,” Agnes said. “It’s more than that. Something is on your mind. You keep turning and looking out the window as if the sky is going to give you answers. Dorothy…” She leaned forward. “We’re your friends. Whatever it is, you know you can tell us.”
It occurred to Dorothy that she probably could.
And it would be good to tell. It would feel good to let someone know what she was feeling. She wouldn’t have to carry it alone. It would be like letting go of some of the horrible tension that was bottled up inside her, making her feel as if she might burst.
She closed her eyes. “I think perhaps I may have become a bit…enamored of Nathaniel.”
There was a silence. She opened her eyes. Her friends were staring at her.
“But this is marvelous news,” Violet said. “You and Nathaniel? Oh, that’s perfect, Dorothy, could you imagine? The three of us married to three best friends? No one could have written a happier ending! Does he know? Does he feel the same way about you?”
“I don’t know what he feels,” Dorothy said. “But…it can’t continue. I don’t want it to continue.”
“What do you mean?” Agnes asked. “I know Nathaniel can be a bit cold sometimes, Dorothy, but you must know as well as any of us that he’s a good man.
He’s kind, and he cares for the people he loves.
You couldn’t do much better, really. I’d say he’s an ideal choice for you.
You ought to let him know of your interest somehow.
If you’d like, I can tell Gabriel and have him speak to Nathaniel. ”
“No!” Dorothy sat bolt upright. “No, you mustn’t! You must neither of you tell your husbands about this. Promise me that you won’t.”
“Not if you don’t want us to,” Violet said.
“But, Dorothy…”
“No,” Violet told Agnes firmly. “We won’t tell anyone if she doesn’t want us to. We ought to respect her wishes that much, Agnes.”
Agnes hesitated, then nodded. “I suppose you’re right,” she said. “But, Dorothy, you ought to let us tell. Don’t you want Nathaniel to know? If you admire him so, he needs to know that so he has a chance to return your affections.”
“No,” Dorothy said again, firmly. “I don’t want him to return my affections, Agnes. I don’t want any sort of relationship with him.”
“Oh, Dorothy, I know you’ve said you mean to remain a spinster, but surely this changes things,” Violet urged. “If you’ve realized that you have feelings for someone, that’s something you must consider. You owe it to yourself to give it a chance. And I truly believe that you’ll be glad you did!”
“I won’t,” Dorothy said. “I won’t do it, and I wouldn’t be glad.”
“Dorothy, why are you so determined to push everyone away?” Agnes asked with a sigh.
“I know you’ve envisioned yourself as a wallflower, alone forever, but don’t you see that it doesn’t have to be that way?
You don’t have to be on your own at all.
You’re a lovely person, and Nathaniel is a good man, and the two of you could find love together if you would only allow it to happen. ”
She gritted her teeth. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
Dorothy hung her head. She was going to have to tell the truth, and she knew it. “Because…because of what happened to my sisters,” she said. “What happened to their husbands.”
Neither Violet nor Agnes spoke.
“I’m sure you think that’s foolish,” Dorothy murmured.
“I’m sure you think that I’m wasting my life, that I’m allowing my fear to get the better of me.
And maybe I am. But I can’t face it. I couldn’t allow myself to love someone, as my sisters did, only to lose him.
I couldn’t go through all that pain and heartbreak.
It’s too much. It destroyed them, and they are stronger than I could ever hope to be.
I don’t know what it would do to me to try to live through such a thing, but I never want to find out.
I never want to go through the pain I saw my sisters live through. ”
“But, Dorothy, you know it’s not likely that you would,” Agnes said slowly. “Nathaniel is young and healthy. He has a long life ahead of him. The two of you could live that life together. I understand your fears, but it’s not likely you would lose him.”
“It wasn’t likely that the same fate would befall both Honora and Abigail,” Dorothy pointed out. “But it did. Perhaps my family is simply cursed. Perhaps this is what happens to us when we try to love.”
“You don’t believe that, surely?” Violet asked.
“I don’t know what I believe. I only know I can’t take the chance,” Dorothy said. “I’m decided, Violet. I can’t be persuaded. I know what I want my life to look like, and I know it’s the only way for me to keep myself safe. That’s my answer.”
“All right,” Agnes said briskly. “If that’s what you want, truly, then you must keep your distance from Nathaniel. If you continue to spend time with him, it will make it that much harder for you to draw a line and separate from him. You’ve got to stay away.”
“But I can’t,” Dorothy said. “I promised him that I would help him find a wife.” It seemed so foolish now, that she had done that.
“You don’t have to see that through,” Violet said gently. “He’s a grown man. He’s more than capable of tending to his own affairs.”
The trouble was, Dorothy didn’t believe for a moment that Nathaniel was capable of that.
She might have been willing to leave him to his own devices anyway, but there was Colin to consider.
A little boy who needed a mother. It wasn’t Colin’s fault that Dorothy hadn’t been able to control her own heart.
“I have to do it,” she said. “I can’t turn my back on a promise.” For a moment she wished she could tell them about Colin. That was something they would be able to understand. They’d see why she couldn’t turn on her promise to help find a mother for that poor little boy.
But she knew she couldn’t tell. No matter what happened between Nathaniel and herself, his wish to keep Colin a secret until he was ready was something she would honor.
“We’ll help you,” Violet said.
“What do you mean? Help me how?” How could anyone help her with the predicament she’d gotten herself into?
“We’ll help Nathaniel, she means,” Agnes said.
“If he needs assistance in finding a wife, we can be just as useful as you can. And having our aid means that you’ll be able to distance yourself a bit.
You won’t have to abandon the effort, but we’ll make it a team effort.
We will do whatever we can to step in and help him to find the right lady. ”
Dorothy sat up straighter. “You would do that?”
“It won’t be easy,” Violet murmured. “Helping him to find someone else when we know you yearn for him.”
“But I don’t really want him,” Dorothy said. “You wouldn’t be taking anything from me that I wanted to keep.”
“I understand. That’s what makes it all right. But I still think it’s going to be hard.” Violet sighed. “You know that I always hoped you’d find the man who would change your mind someday.”
“We didn’t know it was fear of your sisters’ fate that was keeping you from marriage,” Agnes said. “Though I suppose we ought to have realized. Of course that would be the reason. It makes perfect sense in hindsight.”
“It will help tremendously not to have to speak to him all the time any longer,” Dorothy said.
She felt as if a weight had been lifted from her.
There was sadness in the prospect of a distance between Nathaniel and herself, but that sadness was something she could manage.
She would have the time to herself, the space she needed to put her feelings behind her.
That would be vastly more difficult if she was forced to keep seeing him, especially as he began to court Lady Amanda.
What a shock it had been to see the two of them out together. To know that he was already beginning to call on her. And it looked as if it was going well.
Had Dorothy been wrong when she had guessed that he was about to kiss her? Had she misread that moment? Maybe it had been nothing at all.
“I’m sure he’s going to want to speak to me at the masquerade ball on Saturday,” she said. “He’ll want more advice on how to court a lady. He’s been trying to make his advances with Lady Amanda.”
“That’s perfect,” Agnes said. “A masquerade. He won’t be able to tell who you are.
It will be easy for you to avoid him. And we’ll be able to locate him, Jonathan and Gabriel will help us.
No doubt he’ll ask us where you are, but we’ll pretend we have no idea and spend our time with him.
That way he won’t be able to trouble you. ”
“I thought of just staying home altogether,” Dorothy confessed.
“No, you can’t do that,” Violet said earnestly.
“No matter what trouble you might be going through with a gentleman, Dorothy, you can’t let it bother you so much that you’re willing to give up on living your life.
Even if you don’t want to find a gentleman to marry, you deserve the opportunity to have a good time.
You ought to be able to go to parties, to drink wine and dance and not worry about who is going to be there with you. ”
“That’s right,” Agnes said. “Don’t worry, Dorothy. Violet and I will do our best to make sure you have the distance you need from Nathaniel until this has all blown over and you are feeling yourself again.”