Chapter 32
“What on Earth were you thinking, Dorothy?” Honora demanded, pacing back and forth.
Dorothy didn’t answer. It was difficult to find words, truth be told, and she didn’t want to anyway. She wanted to sit quietly and think about what had happened last night
She’d kissed Nathaniel
Nathaniel had kissed her.
A part of her lingered in that moment, remembering the way it had felt to be in his arms. Remembering how she had resisted the idea of breaking away from him, even when she had known that they had been caught. She would go back there right now, she thought, if the choice was available to her.
Better than here, in the sitting room of her house, with her sisters looking at her as though she had lost her mind.
At least Abigail seemed sympathetic. She had seated herself on the settee next to Dorothy, and now she reached out and touched Dorothy’s hand gently.
“We know what it was like,” she said. “Honora and I…we remember what it’s like to be newly in love.
You can talk to us about it, Dorothy. You can tell us what happened. ”
“What is she going to tell us?” Honora objected.
“We know what happened, Abigail. She was irresponsible. She was careless. Yes, we know what it’s like to be in love, but neither you nor I ever got ourselves caught in a scandal like this.
Just think what people must be saying, Dorothy,” she went on, turning back to Dorothy.
“Just imagine what’s being whispered about you right now. ”
“It will pass,” Abigail said. “You know how this goes, Honora. What appears in the scandal sheets one day disappears the next.”
“No,” Honora said firmly. “Not when it’s something like this.
This is serious. People have always thought Dorothy a bit odd for the fact that she never took an interest in marriage.
Now they’ll finally have something else to say about her, and they aren’t very likely to let it go any time soon.
And you know there are lots of ladies who would have liked a marriage with the Duke of Henshaw!
They are all going to make sure this rumor doesn’t go away, and they’re going to paint you in an unflattering way so as to try to make sure that the duke will distance himself from you. ”
“I don’t care what they say about me.” Dorothy felt firm in that much. “There isn’t anything they can say, Honora. There aren’t any lies they can tell about this. I saw the scandal sheets, and everything that they’re saying is what really happened. All I can do now is own up to it and move on.”
“Oh, no, that’s not all you can do,” Honora said just as sharply. “You’re going to have to try to set this right, Dorothy. I think you’re going to have to marry him. It’s the only solution to the mess you’ve gotten yourself into.”
Dorothy felt nauseous.
“Don’t be so upset,” Abigail said gently. “Is it really that bad, the thought of marrying him?”
Yes. Yes it is. For so many reasons. “He hasn’t asked me to marry him,” she reminded her sister. “We can talk about this, but that’s all it is—talk.”
“Well, he’s just going to have to ask you,” Honora said. “We’ll send a letter today. That’s all there is to it. He can’t abandon you in this mess. It would be completely improper.”
“He doesn’t have to do anything, Honora,” Dorothy said. Nathaniel wouldn’t be asking for her hand, she was sure of that. He was involved with Lady Amanda. She was the one he had decided to pursue, so he would probably be with her today trying to make amends.
Her heart sank. Lady Amanda wouldn’t take this well, nor should she.
The gentleman who had been expressing interest in her had now been discovered kissing someone else.
She would be perfectly reasonable to decide she never wanted to see Nathaniel again.
Which would mean that his prospects were destroyed, and it would be all my fault.
No. No, it wouldn’t be all her fault. She had done her best to avoid him, hadn’t she?
She had stayed away, but he had pursued her.
And yes, she’d given in when he had kissed her, but he had been the one to initiate that.
It wasn’t her fault he had made that choice.
She couldn’t control what he did. She wasn’t going to blame herself.
Still, she was sure he would be trying to make amends now, to mitigate the damage. He would be with Lady Amanda, doing his best to explain himself.
It would be to his benefit to tell her that the whole thing was my doing. That I forced myself upon him and he had no time to react or warn me off.
The thought of it made her feel ill. He wouldn’t really do something like that, would he? Go to Lady Amanda and tell her that the whole thing had been Dorothy’s fault, and that Dorothy was nothing but an aggressor who went around kissing whoever she liked when she ought to know better?
For the first time, she found herself regretting the events of the night before.
The idea of no longer being friends with Nathaniel had been bearable, she suddenly realized, while she had believed that she was the one making the choice.
But now all she could think was that he would never want to speak to her again, because he would need to sell the story that everything that had happened had been her fault.
And that hurt more than she had been prepared for.
“Dorothy,” Abigail said, taking her hand, “I know you’ve avoided the idea of marriage.
I don’t pretend to know why. For some reason, it’s troubled you.
But it really is the best way forward for you now.
You must allow Honora and I to write to the duke.
He needs to understand the position he has put you in.
Once he does, I’m sure he won’t require any persuading to do the right thing. ”
Dorothy pressed her lips together. “You don’t know him as well as I do.”
“You don’t think he would ask you for your hand?” Abigail’s brow furrowed. “Even after what happened?”
“He’s involved with someone else.”
“He’s not courting anyone,” Honora bit out. “I would have heard.”
“Well, he was in the park with Lady Amanda the other day,” Dorothy said. “And I think he’s rather serious about her. I know that he’s looking for a wife.”
“But he’s been spending so much time with you,” Abigail protested. “You think that after one day with someone else, he would just forget about everything the two of you shared?”
“We didn’t share anything,” Dorothy said, exasperated. “I told you this, Abigail. I said it many times, and you two just didn’t want to listen to me. Perhaps you thought you knew better. You usually think that.”
It was a very harsh thing to say, and she regretted it at once. Abigail drew back, her eyes wide.
Dorothy hung her head. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“I didn’t mean to be rude. All I mean is…
I told you many times that there was nothing romantic happening with Nathaniel, and the two of you refused to take me at my word.
You insisted on acting as though we were about to announce our engagement at any moment.
Well, now you’re just going to have to believe me when I speak the truth about us, which is that there was never anything there.
It was always a friendship. Nothing more. ”
“Is that the way you behave with your friends, then?” Honora asked. “Sneaking into rooms at parties to kiss them? Nothing at all romantic about that, I suppose? I’m the fool for having thought so?”
Dorothy couldn’t answer, because of course Honora was right. That moment had been full of passion, more than she had ever experienced before in her life. It was hopeless to try and deny it.
“I’m going to write to him at once,” Honora said, moving toward the writing desk at the center of the room.
“I’m going to make sure he understands the position he’s put you in, and I’m going to insist that he come here and remedy it by doing the right thing.
If he’s any kind of man at all, he will. ”
“And I suppose it doesn’t matter that I don’t want you to do that?” Dorothy asked her sister.
Honora sighed. “Truly, Dorothy, I don’t think you know what you want anymore,” she said.
“I might have thought you did once upon a time. But to know that you were kissing this man just last night, and now you’re behaving as though you want nothing to do with him…
it doesn’t add up. Don’t you realize that?
It’s not that I don’t want to take you at your word, but your actions don’t match up with what you’re telling me, and I have to try to make something of it, Dorothy.
I’m your elder sister. It’s my responsibility to care for you. ”
Dorothy hung her head. She had lost all credibility and she knew it. There was no point in trying to insist to her sisters that she wanted nothing to do with Nathaniel. Honora was right. Her actions had shown otherwise. It was apparent now that she did have an interest in him.
And she couldn’t lie about it to herself any longer, either.
The thought of him asking for her hand, asking her to join his family and be a mother to Colin and spend every day with him…
it ignited something in her that she couldn’t light up on her own.
It was some strange blend of hope and desire and burning grief that it could never be real, for of course he wouldn’t really ask her that.
And if he did, I know what I would say. Nothing had changed on that score.
No matter how strongly she felt about Nathaniel, she still didn’t wish to marry.
The idea of going through the grief her sisters had suffered was even more horrible now that she had someone to imagine losing.
If she allowed herself to believe in a life with Nathaniel only to have it taken away if he were to die…
that would be too terrible. It would be worse than she had ever imagined it to be, because in spite of herself, she had grown to really care for him.
Not just the idea of him, but the man himself.
I can’t have him stolen from me like that. I have to give him up voluntarily. It’s all I can stand.
She knew she couldn’t stop Honora from writing that letter. She’d just have to hope that Nathaniel knew better, and that he wouldn’t come for her.
But just as she was thinking this, Mulligan the butler appeared in the doorway of the sitting room.
“Begging your pardon, Lady Dorothy,” he said. “You have a visitor.”
Dorothy’s breath seemed to freeze in her lungs. This couldn’t possibly be anything good.
When she didn’t speak for a few moments, Abigail stepped in. “Who is it, Mulligan?”
“His Grace the Duke of Henshaw, Lady Abigail,” Mulligan replied. “He says he needs to speak to Lady Dorothy at once.”
Of course he had said that. Of course he had come. What had she been thinking, hoping that he wouldn’t? One way or another, this was going to be dealt with.
Dorothy didn’t know whether she hoped he would blame the whole thing on her, or whether she wanted him to take accountability and ask for her hand.
The truth was, both outcomes seemed equally awful.