Chapter 38
“Dorothy!”
The shout came from the front of the house, startling Dorothy so badly that she nearly dropped her drink. She set it down and rose to her feet just in time.
Nathaniel came charging into the room as if his hair was on fire. He nodded a quick greeting to Violet, who was staring at him with wide eyes, and then hurried over to stand in front of Dorothy.
“I’m not letting you go,” he said.
He was breathing hard, as though from exertion. Had he run here? She didn’t know what to think, and she found herself at a loss for words.
Jonathan came hurrying through the door. I’m sorry, he mouthed to nobody in particular.
Dorothy didn’t know what he was sorry for. Was it the fact that he had let Nathaniel discover that she was here? Or maybe he had gone to get Nathaniel on purpose, in which case how much did an apology really count for?
And what did he mean, he wasn’t letting her go?
“It isn’t up to you,” she said, stepping back. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be, Nathaniel, I’ve given you my answer.”
“Violet,” Jonathan said, “we ought to let these two speak. Alone.”
“Alone?” Violet asked, a note of worry entering her voice. “I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Jonathan, all things considered.”
She thinks he’s going to kiss me again.
That wasn’t going to happen, though. Dorothy had enough self-control for that. “It’s all right, Violet,” she said. “Nathaniel and I have been on our own together enough times that one more won’t do us any harm.”
A part of her had no idea what she was thinking, consenting to be alone with him. The last time they’d been alone together…
No. No, she was sure of herself. She wouldn’t let it happen again. She knew better now. She knew that it couldn’t lead to anything good, and she didn’t need to find out the hard way.
As far as what he wanted…well, as to that, she had no idea.
But there was probably only one way to find out.
Let him have his way. Let him be alone with her, let him say what he wanted to say in private.
Tell him that nothing was ever going to happen between the two of them.
And then maybe he would finally go his own way and leave her in peace.
Leave me to my heartbreak.
Jonathan and Violet exchanged glances, and Dorothy had the feeling something had been communicated between the two of them, in the way married people seemed to have of communicating without speaking.
Violet rose and walked to her husband, who put an arm around her.
“We’ll be just outside,” he told them. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call out. ”
Which might well have been a warning as well as a reassurance. We’re going to be nearby, so don’t get any ideas about having privacy, because you don’t. We might come back in at any moment.
That was good, Dorothy decided. He wouldn’t try to kiss her again if he was concerned about that. Because, if she was being honest, she had doubts when it came to her own willpower. Giving in to him had been so lovely…
Violet and Jonathan left the room, and Nathaniel and Dorothy were left on their own.
Neither of them moved to sit down. It was all Dorothy could do to keep breathing.
Nathaniel cleared his throat. “Dorothy,” he said quietly. “It’s…it’s about my proposal.”
“My answer hasn’t changed,” she told him quickly. “It isn’t going to change. I meant what I said. I don’t want to marry you.”
“All right,” he said, much to her surprise. “But may I ask you a question?”
“I…suppose.”
“Is it that you don’t wish to marry me?” he asked. “Or is it that you don’t wish to marry at all?”
It wasn’t the question she’d expected. But what harm could it do to answer it? She could do him this kindness. “Of course it isn’t you,” she whispered. “You know how I’ve enjoyed the time you and I have spent together, Nathaniel.”
“So, if you were to marry,” he pressed.
“If I wanted to marry, I would accept your proposal,” she told him, hoping that this wasn’t going too far. “But I’ve made up my mind. I don’t want to marry, not ever. So, you shouldn’t wait around in hopes that my mind is going to change, because it isn’t. You have my answer.”
“Dorothy…is it because of your sisters?”
The words shook her to her core. She had never confided this in anyone besides Agnes and Violet, and she was sure they wouldn’t have told. “I don’t know what you mean,” she whispered.
He took her by the arm and led her to the settee. She was so shaken by the question he’d asked that she didn’t resist and took a seat beside him.
“It’s because your sisters lost their husbands, isn’t it?” he asked her gently. “You must be frightened after seeing them both go through something like that. I think that if it was me, I might start to feel that my family had nothing but bad luck, and that the same bad luck was due to find me.”
No one had ever captured it so clearly. That was exactly how she felt. And yet, hearing it put into words like that, it seemed foolish in the extreme. “You must think I’m so silly,” she managed, blushing furiously.
His fingertips came to rest on her cheek. “I don’t think you’re foolish,” he said. “I think you’ve seen heartache and loss, and you want to avoid seeing any more of it.”
“If I married you…” She closed her eyes.
“If you were my husband, and if something were to happen to you, I just don’t know what I would do.
I don’t know how I would manage the pain of that loss.
And I know that I’m losing you anyway, by refusing your proposal, but…
I think I can live with it. Knowing that you’re still out there in the world somewhere and that you just don’t belong to me…
that makes me sad, but I can bear it. But if I thought you simply weren’t anywhere at all, I don’t know what I would do.
And if I allowed myself to build my whole life around you only to lose you, that would just be the saddest thing of all. ”
“I can understand that,” Nathaniel said. “But, Dorothy…you know that us getting married doesn’t make it any more likely that something will happen to me. You do know that.”
She looked away. He was right, of course, except that sometimes that didn’t feel right. It was a difficult thing to put faith in.
“You know that’s not how the world works,” Nathaniel murmured, taking her hand.
“What if it is?” she whispered. “What if there is a curse on my family somehow, and the thing that causes people to die is getting involved with us?”
“No,” he said softly. “Your sisters lost their husbands because they were ill, Dorothy, that’s what happened. It wasn’t a curse. And that would have happened to those men whether they were married or not.”
Her eyes filled with tears. He was right, of course, but it was so difficult to allow herself to believe it.”
“People get sick,” he said. “People die. And I won’t lie to you—it could happen to me.
It could happen to anyone at all. But today, I am young and strong and healthy.
” Now he lifted her hand and placed it on his chest, and she could feel the pounding of his heart.
It seemed to be in perfect time with hers.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “I’m going to live a long life. ”
“You can’t know that,” she whispered.
“No one can know anything. I believe it. And I have good reason to believe it,” he said. “Look at me. Do I look as if a bout of illness would take me down?”
She shook her head slowly. He did look stronger than her sisters’ husbands ever had.
“Don’t you recall the way you reassured me when it was Colin who faced illness?
” he asked. “Do you remember telling me that everything would be all right? That’s still the case.
Colin got through it, and so would I…if only to return to the side of the woman I love so deeply.
I have too much in this world to risk going out of it. ”
She trembled with fear and longing. How she wanted to say yes! But the risk was still there. Everything she had always been afraid of was still true. “I don’t know, Nathaniel.”
“I’m not more likely to lose my life if we marry,” he said softly. “And if I had only one more day to live, Dorothy, I would want to spend it with you. That’s what I’d choose every single time. What would you choose, if you knew one of us was going to die tomorrow? What would you want to do today?”
She closed her eyes. A certainty filled her. As frightening as it was, she did know the answer to that question.
“I would want to be with you,” she murmured. “I would want to spend all the time we could together, while we still had the chance. I would want to love you, and for you to love me.”
“Then love me.” His voice was firm. “Marry me. Let me love you. Let’s have this life we both want so much. We can’t know what tomorrow will bring, but we know that we have each other here and now. I don’t want to squander that.”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to either,” she confessed. “I’m just frightened, Nathaniel, that’s all. I’m afraid of how much it will hurt if something happens to you.”
“Then I will do my best to make sure nothing does,” he promised.
“I can’t swear to it. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns.
But as much as it is in my power, I’ll make sure I never leave you.
After all,” he added, “Colin needs me too. I don’t want to leave him without yet another person he’s come to depend on.
I know you both need me, and I’ll do all I can to make sure I remain in your lives…
but only if you promise to do the same, Dorothy, because I can’t bear the thought of losing you either. ”
It was the first time Dorothy had ever thought of things in that direction. “This takes courage for you too,” she realized. “To let me in, knowing there’s a possibility something might happen.”
“It would be harder for me to push you away,” he confessed. “Maybe I’m short-sighed. All I know is that I want you with me in the here and now. I can’t bear to choose anything else. I’m begging you to say yes to me. To let us have this.”
And finally, Dorothy nodded. “Yes,” she whispered.
His whole face lit up. “Yes? Truly?”
“I’ll marry you,” she said. “It still frightens me, but I would rather face my fear with you by my side than to be without you. And you’re right.
If I’m going to lose you either way, I would rather have a life with you first, in whatever time we have.
I would rather love you, even if losing you means pain.
Because saying no to you hurts more than anything I’ve ever had to do in my life, and I understand now that there’s no option that spares me the possibility of that pain.
There’s only the choice that lets me love you. So, yes. I will marry you.”
The smile that split across his face was the most radiant thing Dorothy had ever seen.
And this time, when he kissed her, it was soft and gentle, not sweeping and passionate. His lips brushed hers for only a moment before he pulled away.
But it was a promise of so much more yet to come, and Dorothy had never been more captivated by anything in all her life.