Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
For probably the first time in her life, Alice was not looking forward to going for a ride the following morning.
She was still so embarrassed about what had happened in the library, and just the thought of going over it with Anthony was excruciating.
But at least she had managed to delay discussing their transgression so they were not having the conversation in front of some of the most important members of the Ton.
And she supposed, technically, she had already survived the first meeting after the kiss.
She had considered cancelling today’s ride at least fifty times, but she knew they had to talk about what she privately continued to call “the moment” eventually.
Besides, it would be lovely to ride Rosalind again.
Though she was not entirely certain any horse ride was worth what she was about to endure.
The more she thought about it, and she had thought about it a great deal, the more she wondered if their kiss had been entirely her fault.
Anthony had only been dancing with her to help her, which he had promised her brother he would do.
Presumably it was in his own interest for Alice to find a husband quickly so he could return to his own life, and helping her improve her dancing would aid that goal.
He had seen her dance and realised she was in need of assistance he could provide.
And then she had gone and read more into it than there was and kissed him…
But he had leant down to meet her lips… Not that that necessarily meant anything, he was probably used to kissing women without a second thought.
Her mind was in such turmoil, she could hardly manage to eat anything at breakfast.
Aunt Jane seemed pleased that Anthony and Alice were going out together. “I know how much you enjoy riding, dear, and you must have been missing his company.”
Alice did not trust herself to answer so she gave a little nod of her head.
“Just make sure you do not exhaust yourself, we have morning calls later.”
“I will be careful not to,” said Alice.
She came downstairs in her riding gear at ten to find Anthony talking with her aunt while he waited for her.
“Are you sure you will not have a cup of tea before you go?” asked Aunt Jane, ever the perfect hostess.
Alice was grateful when Anthony replied, “No, thank you, we should set off if I am to have Alice back to you in plenty of time for your engagements.”
Aunt Jane smiled at them both affectionately. “Well, have fun!”
Alice grinned back as convincingly as she could as Anthony allowed her to exit the front door first and they walked down the steps to where the horses were waiting.
“Hello, Rosalind,” said Alice, stroking the mare’s nose and receiving a nuzzle in response before mounting.
They rode towards Hyde Park in silence. Eventually Anthony cleared his throat. “It is good to see you,” he said. “I think Rosalind has been missing you.”
“And I her,” Alice replied.
An awkward silence fell between them again. They reached the park and automatically turned towards the quieter paths.Surrounded by greenery and peace, Alice finally felt her breath become freer and her shoulders relax a little.
“About what occurred in the library . . .” Anthony began once they were sure they were alone.
Alice stared straight ahead, willing the conversation to be over despite knowing it needed to be had.
“Alice? Would you please look at me?”
She turned her head to meet his gaze. He dismounted and took hold of Rosalind’s reins. “Could you come down so we can talk properly, please?”
Alice reluctantly slid from the saddle and took her reins from him.
“Shall we walk?” Anthony asked. She nodded.
They took a few steps before Anthony spoke again, “I would like to apologise for my behaviour in the library. It was completely unacceptable of me, particularly given the role I promised your brother I would fulfil while you are in London. I hope you will forgive me.”
“Of course, I forgive you,” said Alice, immediately. She paused before adding, “It was a momentary lapse of judgment on both our parts.”
Relief washed over Anthony’s face but he said, “I take full responsibility.”
Aware of what her own emotions had been like at the time, Alice knew this was grossly unfair, but she was not brave enough to contradict him. It was actually something of a relief to know the kiss had not been entirely one-sided, even if it hurt that Anthony so readily agreed it had been a mistake.
“I suggested previously that I may be in London to find myself a wife,” Anthony continued, his brow furrowed. This time it was his turn not to meet her eyes. “That is not true, though not in the way you might think. I am not actually looking for a wife.”
Anthony’s obvious discomfort prompted Alice to say, “There is no need for you to tell me this, if you would rather not.”
“No, I want you to know,” he said softly. “My father’s affair will always have the potential to be discovered, and with the stain that will place upon my family, it would not be fair for me to take a wife other than Sarah, whom I plan to marry so that I may officially make Charlie my heir.”
“You plan to marry Sarah?”
“Yes, there is no one else I could marry after what my father has done. I could never bring that shame upon my wife and her family. Even if there was someone I was extremely attracted to and thought would be perfect for me.” He swallowed and his eyes met hers.
Burning into them. The intensity caught her by surprise.
Alice had no idea how to respond. She felt nauseous and her heart was thumping wildly in her chest. Thankfully, she was saved from having to say anything immediately when Anthony turned his gaze from her and continued, “I apologise if I have made you feel awkward. And I know I’m not on your list, but I just .
. . I need you to understand why . . . after what happened between us .
. . why I am not . . . not . . . offering for your hand. ”
Alice did not think she had ever seen anyone look more uncomfortable, except herself perhaps, as she felt her face turn bright red.
It took every piece of self-control she possessed to keep her expression emotionless. “I never . . .” she began. “I never would have expected you to offer for me. It was just a kiss. A little mistake.”
“I would expect myself to in other circumstances.” He wrung his hands together.
“Well, I am glad then that you are unable to. My goodness, a marriage between you and me would, you have to admit, be a disaster,” she said, trying to make light of the situation.
A flicker of something crossed Anthony’s face, but before Alice could identify it, he said, “Right, of course. Anyway, speaking of you and husbands, I have come up with a plan to help you.”
“I told you, I do not need your help.” Her plan to find a husband was absolutely the last thing she wanted to talk about right now.
“I would argue that you do,” said Anthony, his cheery disposition attempting to reassert itself. “I imagine you have already struck off half the names from your list and, excuse me for pointing it out, but you have looked miserable at every single social event I have witnessed you attend.”
Alice sighed. Maybe he was right. She did not seem to be getting anywhere with her mission.
Despite crossing many names off her list, there was no one who stood out as someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
But then, she still had not met all the names on her list yet.
Surely, there had to be someone on there who would be a good match for her.
“My plan will help you to whittle down the remaining names and aid you in spending more time with the contenders for your hand,” Anthony tempted.
Alice suddenly felt completely deflated.
All she wanted was to get away from Anthony so she could process what on earth was going on with all the feelings racing around inside her body.
Instead she managed to hide the despair threatening to take over her countenance and responded, “What exactly is your plan?”
“I will organise a house party on my estate.
I will invite everyone left on your list. I cannot guarantee they will all come, but I think there is a high chance they will.
Of course, I will need to ensure your aunt approves, and she can attend with you.
You will be able to spend plenty of time with each of your potential suitors and, hopefully, at least one of them will prove himself worthy of your affections.
“You would go to all this trouble just to help me find a husband?”
“I promised Henry I would.”
“You promised him you would look after me while I was in London. This is going above and beyond.”
Anthony shrugged.
His words could not have made it clearer that he had no romantic feelings for her.
Their kiss had been a mistake, and he had even confided that he planned to marry someone else.
The most sensible thing she could do was accept his offer and make the most of it.
It was a very generous one, and perhaps she would feel more comfortable meeting these gentlemen in her natural habitat of the Kentish countryside.
It would be more to her taste than the London balls and suppers she had been suffering through for the past few weeks.
Though she was beginning to wonder if she would ever actually find a man she wanted to marry, even if he wanted to marry her.
But being able to spend more time with the men on her lists in a more relaxed environment might just be the way forward.
There would be time to talk and get to know each other properly.
There must be a suitable single gentleman looking for a wife who could make her forget about that kiss with Anthony.
“All right,” she said, holding out her hand as if she didn’t know that his touch would set her body on fire.
They shook hands, Alice keeping her face expressionless as they did so and ignoring the urge to kiss him again as the citrusy scent of his cologne hit her nostrils.
She was glad when Anthony pulled away quickly.
“I will speak to your aunt when we return and begin making plans,” Anthony said brusquely, his good humour it seemed had disappeared again. “A copy of your list would be most useful if you would be happy to provide me with one.”
Seeing the horror on Alice’s face, he added quickly, “Only so I am certain I am inviting the right gentlemen. Otherwise I will make an educated guess.”
“I will make you a copy,” said Alice, wishing the ground would open up and swallow her.
It was bad enough that he knew about her list, let alone that he was going to have his own copy of it.
But it did make sense. There was little point to Anthony, with the best of intentions, inviting gentlemen she had already crossed off or not thinking to invite someone she thought could be a suitable match.
She wanted to give this idea its best chance, not least because it might lead to the end of this torturous season for her.
Anthony was quiet on the ride home and Alice was glad. It was kind of him to make his offer, but she did not want to talk about it anymore. She both craved his presence and desperately wished to be alone.
Anthony watched Alice as he helped her back onto Rosalind.
What was he doing? His plan, which had sounded so reasonable when he first thought of it, now seemed like the most exquisite form of self-punishment for his indiscretion of kissing Alice.
A kiss he could not stop thinking about.
He had promised Henry he would look after her, and he did feel guilty.
Of course, he should feel guilty, but he could not help replaying that moment over and over in his head.
The memory of her soft gasp and the way she had melted against him haunted him.
He was sure she had kissed him back. Not that that made any difference.
He had been telling the truth when he had said he would never be able to marry anyone other than Sarah, despite the fact that he did not love her.
That thought had not particularly bothered him, he had accepted it, until he had realised that the only woman he believed he could love might actually, if not have feelings for him, at least not hate him as she used to.
And now, not only was he having to watch her as she flirted with other men, other men she would undoubtedly prefer to him, but he was setting her up in a situation where she would most likely receive the marriage proposal she so hoped for.
And then he would have to see her in someone else’s arms. It would be intolerable.
But he had sworn he would help her and could not bring himself to wish her a life without love, companionship and children just because he was not able to give it to her.
The least he could do was help her to find happiness, even if the thought of another man touching her made his chest ache.
He had been a fool to hope that friendship might be enough. After that kiss, staying close to Alice was becoming more dangerous with every passing day. And yet, no matter how hard he tried, he could not seem to stay away from her.