26. Celeste
Celeste
Senior Year of College
“I got the job.”
“Oh my god.” Kourtney drops her backpack on the floor and rushes toward me. “Congratulations. That’s incredible news.”
I press a quick kiss to her lips. “There’s, uh...there’s a catch though.”
“Okay...”
“It’s in Seattle.”
It’s a dream job—PR agent for some hockey star Trenton Ward. Sure, Seattle is on the complete opposite side of the country, but even if Kourtney and I have to do long-distance for a few months until I get settled and find a place for us to live, we have options.
There isn’t a future that doesn’t involve her.
My life changed the moment Kourtney became my partner in chemistry class in high school.
She was adorable with big brown doe eyes and long chestnut hair that she liked to hide behind.
I formed a crush on her almost instantly.
While I became her best friend, she became much more to me. The closer we got, the deeper I fell.
But I was too chickenshit to tell her how I felt, and she was in love with that hot jock boyfriend of hers.
As much as I envied him, I couldn’t help but love the guy too.
We did everything together, went everywhere together.
I was their third wheel, and I was happy about it because I had two people who wanted me around.
They were my best friends, and I convinced myself that that was enough.
My heart carried Kourtney’s flag for four long years of unrequited love.
I was surprised that Kourtney wanted to break up with Jason when we left for college.
I’d tried to talk her out of it—we both did.
She was head over heels for Jason, but she had her mind made up.
Kourtney is ruled by fear. She convinces herself of things because she’s too scared to believe in any other possibilities.
In college though, that fear evaporated.
She asked me to kiss her, and my heart swelled as time stopped around us.
Who knew talking about posting feet pics on the internet would be the catalyst for our epic first night together?
After that, we decided to set up a webcam account where we could livestream our intimate moments together. We set the price and learned quickly that we could set it even higher. People wanted to watch the content we were putting out there, and we took advantage of it.
My shy girl was an exhibitionist.
It’s always the quiet ones.
We crossed a line, and for a few years since, we’ve lived blissfully on the other side of that line.
We’re in love.
Kourtney Spalding, my best friend and the love of my life, loves me back.
We’re untouchable. We’re perfection. We’ll be together forever, and now as we graduate college, we can take the next step in our lives together.
Kourtney blinks as if I splashed her with cold water. “You’re moving to Seattle?”
“You’d come with me, obviously.” I clasp her hands. “We can find an apartment or a condo to start. We both have a shit-ton of money saved. Plus, my starting salary is going to be off-the-charts. This is huge for me. For us.”
She looks down at our fingers laced together. “Celeste, I can’t just move across the country.”
My eyebrows furrow. “You can find a job there. We can start looking before we go, and—”
“What about my family? I can’t leave them.”
“Kourt, you’re twenty-two. You can go wherever you want. Lots of kids move away from their families.”
She drops my hands and runs hers through her hair. “I still haven’t told them about us.”
“Well, maybe now’s your chance.”
She shakes her head. “I…I can’t.”
I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt that she keeps us a secret from her family, but I refuse to rush her. Coming out is a personal thing, and I want her to feel ready.
“They’ll love you no matter what,” I reassure her. “Your parents are great. And we don’t have to tell them right away.”
“That’s not the point.” She steps back, putting distance between us. “I don’t want to move so far away. I like living here on the East Coast.”
I step forward, needing to feel her reassuring warmth. “I know it’s scary. I’m scared too. But we’d have each other. Isn’t that enough?”
The way Kourtney swallows and pauses is the moment I know.
It’s not enough.
I’m not enough.
She isn’t coming with me.
My face crumples and my chest deflates. All the excitement I had moments ago dissipate.
And then Kourtney’s walls go up. “Celeste, this thing between us…it was fun while it lasted. But—”
“Don’t.” My voice shakes as I lift my index finger. “Don’t downplay what we have.”
“I’m not downplaying anything. I’m just saying, we can’t be by each other’s sides through everything. We’re going to go our own ways eventually. I’m going to get married. Maybe you will too. We’re going to want to start families.”
I cough out an incredulous laugh. “I thought I’d marry you, Kourtney. I thought that’s what we wanted. And never once have you talked about wanting to have children.”
She throws her hands in the air. “I don’t know what I want. We’re too young for something like this.”
“Something like this? This is love.” I stab my chest with my finger.
“I love you. I would give anything for you. If you asked me to move across the world, I’d pack my bags in a heartbeat.
If you said you wanted to get married, I’d take us to city hall right now.
” My bottom lip trembles. “If you want babies, we can do that too. We don’t have to figure it all out right now, but we can figure it out together.
I thought...I thought you were in this with me. ”
Tears roll down her cheeks, and though she shakes her head, the look in her eyes tells me she is in it with me.
But fear is a strong motherfucker, and it’ll rob you of all the things you’ve ever dreamed of if you let it.
When you’re gay, the world tells you that you’re wrong. You’re brainwashed from the moment you’re born, whether it be from your family, or society, or the government. And those are some hard chains to break.
“You did the same thing to Jason when he left for college, you know.” It’s the only thing left I can throw at her. “You always run away when things get too real.”
“That’s not true.” She can barely get the words out because she knows it’s a lie.
My chest feels like my heart was torn out of it, leaving nothing but a gaping, empty hole.
It’ll be there forever. The eternal reminder of what I’ve lost.
So, I leave for Seattle, and Kourtney stays in New Jersey in her safe little bubble.
And I’ll leave my heart here with her. I don’t need it anymore.
It’s more trouble than it’s worth.