Chapter 19 #2
“A means to an end?” The goddess appears concerned by my explanation.
She reaches around me to stir the soup, then grabs a ladle.
“I want you to be careful, Min. I’m telling you this as a friend.
The gods care only for themselves. I do not wish to see your heart broken when you are so eager to share it with him. ”
“That’s not…” Fact or falsehood? I can no longer distinguish between the two. “I’m n-not sharing my heart with Eurus,” I state firmly.
“If you’re sure.” One ladleful into each bowl, steam rising from the hearty broth.
“If it’s any consolation, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to Eurus and me.
That was over a long time ago, and there was never any stability to it, truth be told.
” After carrying the bowls to the table, she gestures me over, and we sit.
Sun pours through the window, and I can almost convince myself I am back at the estate, or perhaps the manor, whose kitchen overlooks the sea.
Slipping a spoonful of soup into her mouth, Demi cants her head, rolling the flavor along her tongue. “Not bad. A bit more pepper, perhaps.” She swallows down a second bite.
“Can I ask why things never worked out between you two?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I gird myself against what will unfold.
“Eurus does not trust easily.” She looks at me, and in her eyes, I see their shared history, what was whole and then broken. “If you are lucky enough to receive his trust, know that it is a gift. I did not realize its value at the time, and I broke it.”
“How?”
She shakes her head. “I learned—too late, but I learned. It is a fragile thing, trust.”
I lower my spoon into the bowl, my appetite having fled.
Trust? I am luring the East Wind to his demise.
What was shared in the dim of my bedroom days ago…
it meant something to us both, I think. I do not wish him to come to harm, but I lived a life before we met.
I have dreams. Don’t I deserve to see them realized?
“Oh, drat!” Demi suddenly cries, shoving upright. “I forgot I’m supposed to meet Arin and his sister today. I need to leave a bit early, due to the blockades in the north.”
“Blockades?” I stare at her in confusion.
“For the protests. They’ve closed off the roads. You haven’t heard?”
I shake my head and begin helping Demi clean up. She washes the pans. I toss the vegetable scraps. She wipes the counters. I scrub the bowls and utensils. It’s nice sharing the company of another. Dare I say a friend.
“Apparently,” she says, “this Prince Balior is becoming more powerful than the divine are comfortable with. Some claim he wants to take over the mortal realms, but evidence suggests he’s searching for a way into the City of Gods.
The beast he is said to be traveling with cannot be located.
The protestors are demanding action from the council. ”
That doesn’t sound reassuring.
“Some think that whatever dark bond connects them has allowed the prince to drain the beast of its power,” Demi adds as she dries her hands with a thin towel.
“Will the Council of Gods get involved?”
“There will need to be a vote, but it probably won’t occur until after the tournament is complete. The divine do not appreciate when their entertainment is interrupted.”
Once more, I am reminded that Demi and I come from completely separate worlds.
If Prince Balior seeks to infiltrate the City of Gods, then Marles may be spared from whatever horrors he is planning.
It is entirely possible that Lady Clarisse is aligned with the prince.
Somehow, with gods protesting in the streets, I don’t think it would be wise to mention that to Demi.
I am drying the last of the dishes when the back of my neck warms, touched by a gaze I cannot see. Calmly, I return the bowls to the cupboard, then turn. The East Wind stands in the doorway, cloaked head to toe in black, watching me.
“Eurus.” Demi offers him a smile. The sight twists my stomach. “Had I known you were hungry, I would have saved you some soup. Unfortunately, Min and I ate it all.”
“I’m not interested in soup, Demi.” He then shifts his attention onto me. “Can we talk?”
Considering he’s spent the last few days avoiding me, this is a surprise. But I nod, following him out of the kitchen and down the corridor until we reach an empty study. He gestures me inside, then shuts the door.
I glance around the room, if only to grant myself time to consider what I might say. Windows paneled in dark velvet. High-backed armchairs and a gleaming oak desk. When we last shared space, I learned what his breath might taste like, were I to allow it to flood my throat.
“Where have you been?” Eurus demands.
Beyond the expansive panes of glass, the city gleams beneath an autumn sun. It is the most beautiful place I have ever laid eyes on, but it is soured by the East Wind’s absolute incompetence at communicating.
“Let’s start with a proper g-greeting,” I bite out, turning to look at him. “I suggest good afternoon, although good day would suffice.”
“Maybe mortals enjoy wasting breath on menial greetings,” he says, “but time is not on our side, bird.”
I shake my head. He listens, but he does not truly understand. “It would take such little effort on your part,” I say, “to treat me m-more kindly. What was it you said again, about making things right between us?”
The time for cowering is past. Today, and every day hence forth, I vow to honor myself, expel those rotting doubts from my core, the ones that tell me in no uncertain terms that I am not worthy of decency and respect.
“I’m doing my best,” the East Wind says.
“No,” I say. “You are barely making an effort. If this is what you consider your best, then I’m leaving.”
I brush past him, and his seaside scent drags me down into memory. A dark and drowning tide I did not fight, but welcomed. I falter, yet force myself toward the door.
“Wait.”
For half a heartbeat, I consider pushing out the door, but I don’t. Maybe I am too softhearted.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. That was rude of me. I…” His voice hitches as he fights to collect his words. “I am not very good at this.”
“This, meaning acting like a d-d-decent person?” I say, turning around to study him.
The East Wind lowers his head in what may be shame. “Yes. I’m sorry for that. You were gone this morning. I went looking for you. When I couldn’t find you, I feared something may have happened.”
He was worried, I realize. Worried—and tormented by the emotion. “I didn’t think you would notice that I was gone.”
He steps toward me, long legs swallowing the distance, until the heat of his body buffets mine. “Why wouldn’t I notice?”
He is so tall I’m forced to tilt back my head. “Because you’ve failed to make an effort to speak to m-me the last few days,” I stutter.
There was a time when I would have left this thought unfinished. I would not press for more. I would not seek answers, assuming I was not worthy of knowing them. But it is a new day. “Why have you been avoiding me?”
Eurus steps back in surprise. “I haven’t been avoiding you.”
“Really?” I laugh. I can’t help it. If I am a terrible liar, he is worse. “Where have you been sleeping then?”
“I haven’t been. Sleeping, I mean.”
Interesting. So, what, he has been wandering the palace grounds, flying off to who knows where, all to prevent himself from sharing a suite with me?
“I wasn’t sure if you needed space after what happened,” he murmurs. “I thought it better to give it to you.”
“You mean since the kiss.”
“Yes.”
I’ve the notion to push back his hood so that I might see whatever reaction has captured his features. That he considered my comfort is unexpectedly sweet. “I appreciate that,” I say, “but the suite is your space, too. It’s not like we’re sh-sharing a—” I fumble the word. “Bed.”
His wings unfold, though only partially, a brilliant canvas of shining black. “Of course we would not share a bed,” he says, but the words are strained, their edges crude. “You are, after all, mortal.”
Should I take offense to that? “Why should that matter—being mortal, I mean?” I move toward the desk, rifle through the stack of documents to busy my hands, which long to peel the East Wind’s cloak from his body so that I might see what lies beneath.
There is something wrong with me. How can I look upon my captor and crave deeper intimacy?
“It doesn’t,” he hastily replies, then clears his throat. “Regardless, I’m glad to see you’re all right. You’re still gathering information from Demi, I assume?”
Why does he care so much about the goddess anyway? She is not even competing in the tournament. “I don’t w-want to deceive her anymore. She’s my friend.”
I am fully expecting a scoff or some other adverse reaction to my statement, but no one is more surprised than I am when Eurus captures my hand, offers it a gentle squeeze. I stare at the curl of our fingers, dazed.
“Do not forget that Demi is one of the divine, bird,” he says. “Just… be careful. Do not let yourself be lured into a false sense of security simply because she does not resort to abuse.”
His words give me pause. Is that what I have allowed myself to do? No lasting bruises, so she must be safe, right? But words, too, are weapons. They do not need to be sharpened to cause damage.
“All I know,” I say, “is that Demi has been a friend to me when I have n-never had a single friend in my life. I appreciate that you are trying to protect me, but I trust her.”
“Trust will get you killed,” he mutters.
“Not everyone is an enemy, Eurus, and there is more to life than revenge. You could be happy, too, if you chose. Only you can decide how you wish to expend your energy, whether to avoid the pain, or work through it and let go.”
“And have you?” he presses me. “Let go?”
I cling. I reach. I attach. Lady Clarisse was that person for me. But is she that person still? I’m not sure. Ten years caught beneath her thumb, and only in the last few weeks have I come to realize how little she gave me.
“I don’t know,” I whisper as the battle between mind and heart renews itself. “But I dearly hope to find out soon.”