Chapter 19 #3
“Right.” Fragments of her conversation with Tate replayed in her head. His ashen face. The desperation in his voice. The painful truth—he didn’t want her unless she quit her job.
She winced. He’d never make peace with her profession now. “So you think I can go home?”
“That’s what they keep telling us,” Dad said.
“And then how soon can I leave town?”
Lainey and Dad exchanged worried glances. “What do you mean?”
“Well, everybody always expects me to leave. I don’t think I have any reason to stay.
Surely there won’t be any more episodes of Ultimate Alaskan filmed.
And Damian owes me after this.” She tried for a smile, but her attempt at humor crashed and burned.
Instead, Lainey’s eyes filled with tears. Dad’s expression turned pale.
“Why do you think we expect you to leave?” Lainey asked.
“That’s what you always say, right? You’re always talking about how I’m the one who leaves. So there’s no reason for me to stick around.” She stared at the ceiling-tile seams, because that was much easier than coping with Lainey’s tears.
“There are plenty of reasons for you to stick around,” Lainey whispered.
“Oh, come on. Tate already told me he can’t love me if I keep working as a camera operator. And you can’t resist making subtle jabs—the obvious mistrust of my ability to help. The banishing me to the sewing room.”
“I didn’t banish you. You have a whole bedroom. At Gary’s—where you could have stayed if you wanted.”
“Except it’s crammed full of boxes and bins. There’s barely a path to my bed.” Scottie’s throat tightened. “Which doesn’t exactly make a girl feel wanted.”
Dad cleared his throat. “I-I’m going to do a better job of sorting through all of that.”
Scottie forced herself to look at her father and stepsister.
Lainey’s chin wobbled. She dashed away the moisture sliding down her cheeks.
“I don’t know where all this is coming from, but we want you here.
We never said we didn’t. And I am so sorry if I ever made you believe that you weren’t welcome.
You can be mad at me, that’s fine, but please don’t break Tate’s heart. ”
So she’d heard.
“Well, I can’t live my life always worrying about what Tate thinks or feels. He’s obsessed with safety, and there’s nothing about my life that’s safe. Nothing about me that’s safe.”
“So you’re just going to keep running, then?” Dad said. “Until what? Until you find somebody who’s twice as reckless as you?”
“What? No.” She glared at him. “Why would you say that?”
“Because I know that losing your mom was the worst thing that could possibly happen to you. And when Lainey’s mother decided to leave, I’m sure that just reopened old wounds.”
She blinked back tears and stared at the ceiling again. Don’t cry; don’t give them that; don’t let the need show. If you never need, you never get left.
“I understand that you don’t want to depend on people, and I totally get it when you run.
And I’m so proud of you for all your big adventures and your camera work,” Dad said, reaching for her hand.
“Not to mention how blessed you are that you’ve gotten a chance to see the world.
But sooner or later, don’t you want somebody to come home to, kiddo? Somebody who loves you?”
“I don’t think Tate loves me. Because if he did, he wouldn’t be trying to hold me back.”
“That man is devoted to you. I don’t understand why you can’t see that,” Lainey said. She turned and grabbed her purse and keys off the chair. “I’m gonna go see if I can find somebody to process your discharge paperwork. I’ll be back.”
When Lainey left the room, Dad leaned closer. “I love you, Scottie-girl. I know I haven’t been the best father. And there’s no excuse for all the ways I’ve failed you.”
Her face crumpled and she started to cry. Useless tears.
He plucked a tissue from the box on the table nearby and handed it to her.
“There’s no going back. And I know you have it in you to be brave and strong, but sometimes I think you and Tate both have fear as your kryptonite. You’ve just figured out how to dress yours up and make it pretty.”
“Dad, don’t.” She shook her head. “Don’t make this about bravery. Don’t make it sound like staying is noble and leaving is cowardly. Staying means being wanted. Leaving is the only thing I’m good at. The only thing that doesn’t end with me being a huge disappointment.”
“God will take care of you, even when the rest of us let you down. Your mom used to tell you almost every night that God is for you and He is with you always. Remember?”
She nodded. “I remember.”
He smoothed her hair back with his rough hand. “I’ll be praying that you will cling to that truth. Hold it tight.”
She closed her eyes. The beeping carried on, steady as a metronome marking time until she could walk out of Redemption and not look back.
If Tate wanted safe, he’d be fine without her.
If Lainey wanted a sister, she should’ve said it sooner.
There was no reason to stay. Not anymore.
Not when leaving hurt less than being left.