Chapter 16 #2
Sam and I had spent our teenage years as bored, rich kids.
With bored, rich kids. Three of my classmates had graduated with substance abuse problems. There weren’t many drugs Sam and I hadn’t sampled.
Drinking had been a casual pastime up until my senior year, when I’d had someone pull my head out of my ass.
“Sam wanted to go to Cornell because that’s where her parents met. I wanted Georgetown. Mostly because I wanted to stay in DC.”
“Why?” Eloise asked. “You didn’t want to get away from your parents?”
“I did. But my senior year in high school, I started taking karate at a local dojo. It was like I’d found a passion, you know?
It was the right place for me. I got attached to my sensei and wanted to earn my black belt.
Moving to New York meant a different teacher, and I wasn’t about to change, start over. So Sam left, and I stayed.”
“Did you get your black belt?”
“Yeah. My sophomore year at Georgetown. I got my second degree about two years after that. Right before my sensei passed away. Cancer.”
“I’m sorry.” Eloise pressed a kiss to my heart.
“Me too.” I threaded my fingers through her hair, most of the strands nearly dry now. “His name was Dan. He changed my life.”
He’d taken me—an arrogant, spoiled brat—under his wing. He’d taught me humility. Discipline. Grace. Respect. He’d been the father I’d never had.
“He was a widower. No kids. So when he was going through chemo, I went with him a lot. Sat with him at the hospital while they pumped him full of drugs.” Toward the end, the doctors had been honest with us both.
It had been terminal. But he’d gone to treatment anyway, never giving up hope for a miracle.
I missed Dan every single day. Would he be proud of the man I’d become? I wished he were here so I could ask him myself. I wished he could meet Eloise because he’d adore her. And he’d kick my ass for getting myself tangled in a fake marriage. He’d call me a turd.
I missed being called a turd.
“One day at the hospital, toward the end, I asked him why he picked me,” I said. “Why he gave me so much time and energy. What was so special about me. Why he treated me differently than his other students.”
“What did he say?”
“He didn’t answer.” The lump in my throat began to choke me. “He said that if I couldn’t look in the mirror and know the answer to that question, he hadn’t done a good enough job. Broke my fucking heart. So I went home that night and stared at the mirror for an hour. Still not sure what he saw.”
“Jasper.” Eloise’s chin began to quiver.
“Don’t cry, angel.”
She sniffled, her eyes flooding. “I can cry if I want.”
“Don’t cry for me. Please.” It only made this harder.
“Okay,” she whispered, blinking away the tears.
This was the most I’d spoken of my past in, well . . . ever. Not even Foster knew this much about my family. But Eloise had said she wanted to know me better than anyone. There wasn’t much I could give her, but I could give her this. And before we went to Sam’s wedding, she deserved the truth.
“Dan died a week after I graduated from Georgetown,” I said. “I was a wreck.”
My exams had been finished, thankfully. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on a test. But I’d been totally lost without him. He’d become this anchor. This voice of reason. And suddenly, I was adrift, left alone with only the voices in my head.
And Sam’s.
“Sam and I stayed together through college. Did the long-distance thing. Saw each other when we could, but we were both busy. If I wasn’t at school, I was at the dojo.
When Dan pulled back, after he got sick, I stepped up to help teach.
And I’d wanted to broaden my martial arts skills, so I’d started doing some Muay Thai too. ”
There’d been too many emotions stirring at the time. With school. With Dan. The only way I’d known how to deal with them was by shoving them aside. And it had always been easier to shut down emotionally if I was channeled wholly into something physical.
In high school, when my parents had overlooked me, I’d ignored that pain and, instead, gotten lost in sex with Sam. Then I’d started at the dojo, and martial arts training had become my joy in those days.
“Sam was in a sorority,” I said. “They always had functions, plus she had school demands. We’d talk every day, but it was shallow. We were both changing. Moving in different directions. Not that I realized it at the time.”
Hindsight was a bitch.
The red flags had been endless, but I’d overlooked each and every one.
“Did she know Dan?” Eloise asked.
“A little.” And though he’d never admitted it, he hadn’t liked her. Looking back, I could see that now too. Maybe if he’d told me, I wouldn’t have married her.
“She was there when I got the call that he’d died.
She’d graduated too and had moved back to live with me.
We got through the funeral, and she knew I was falling apart.
She didn’t leave my side, just stayed close because I needed her close.
I think it scared her, seeing me fall apart.
So she planned a trip to get my mind off it. ”
“To where?” Eloise asked.
I swallowed hard, knowing what was coming would hurt her. But it was truth time. “Vegas.”
She sat up, her body still draped across mine but her chin lifted, her shoulders stiffening.
Yep. This was going to fucking suck.
“It was just supposed to be for fun. A chance for me to clear my head. We went out that first night. Partied at a club. An hour later, we were at a chapel to get married.”
It had been Sam’s idea. If Dan hadn’t died, would I have taken her up on it? I’d asked myself that countless times. But that night, I’d just wanted to feel . . . loved.
“You got married in Vegas,” Eloise said.
I nodded.
“Which chapel?”
Fuck. “The Clover Chapel.”
“Our chapel.” Eloise sat up, clutching the sheet to her chest. Horror, betrayal, was written across her expression. “That’s how you knew where it was.”
“It was an asshole move, taking you there. I’m sorry. But when you were talking about that ugly horse drawing, how you covered it up with something beautiful, I wanted that. I wanted a new picture. I wanted to erase Sam’s ugly. And you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.”
Her jaw flexed, her nostrils flaring like they normally did when she was pissed. Like she’d done downstairs before marching out into the storm. “You’d seen me before that night.”
“Yeah.” I shifted, sitting up so I could lock my gaze with hers. “Don’t take this the wrong way.”
“Which guarantees I won’t like what you’re about to say.” She rolled her eyes. “This ought to be great.”
Damn, but I loved that eye roll. That sass.
“I didn’t see you before that night.” I leaned in, dropping my forehead to hers. “I was focused on Foster. On his fight. On shifting my life to Montana, even temporarily. I wasn’t in a frame of mind to see anyone.”
Eloise sighed, and with that exhale, some of her irritation seemed to fade.
“I should have told you sooner.”
“Yup. Like when we were standing at. The. Altar.” She poked my chest, accentuating every word. “That would have been a great time to mention you’d been there before.”
“I’m sorry.” I captured her hand, squeezing so she couldn’t fold in that poking finger. Then I brought it to my lips for a kiss. “I’m sorry, Eloise.”
Another sigh. And from the softness in her pretty blue eyes, I was forgiven. “What happened then?”
I leaned back, dropping my gaze to the bed, still keeping her hand in mine. “Sam and I went home. Our parents were pissed, to say the least. Not that they hadn’t expected us to get married, they’d just missed the opportunity to host a party for their friends. To show off their perfect match.”
“What do you mean, their perfect match?”
“They took credit for us being together. Like it was something they’d planned from the beginning.” I’d always thought that was ridiculous. How my parents could give so little of a shit about me but, when it came to my marriage to Sam, be so angry to be excluded.
“Things with Samantha were . . . okay.” The changes I’d ignored had started to come to light.
But I’d just kept on ignoring them. “I did my thing. She did hers. She’d gotten a job, but I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, so I kept working at the dojo and started training on the side.
That’s how I got into it. Spent four years at Georgetown and haven’t once used my degree. ”
“What did you get your degree in?”
“Communications.”
“Communications? You’re kidding.” Eloise snorted.
“This is the most I’ve ever heard you speak.
Ever. I think you need to call Georgetown and ask for a refund.
Or maybe Georgetown is where you learned how to communicate with grunts and nods?
Because if that’s the case, then don’t worry, babe. You use your degree every single day.”
I laughed. Loud. I tipped my head to the ceiling and let it roar. I let it free. I laughed like I hadn’t done in years, until all that was left was a smile.
Eloise had a smug grin on her face when I faced her. She knew she’d earned that laugh. She knew, without needing to ask, that it was rare.
“Anyway . . .” I pinched her rib, making her squeal and swat at my hand. “About six months later, I came home from the gym to find Sam had invited a couple over. They were people she’d met through a mutual friend.”
A friend I’d despised. Another red flag ignored.
“I thought she’d planned a double date. So I took a quick shower. Joined them to eat. They were nice. It was just a normal dinner. Until Sam pulled me aside later and asked if I liked the woman.”
“Wait. What?” Eloise sat ramrod straight. “Why would she ask you that?”
“Because she wanted to fuck the man and hoped I’d fuck the wife in the guest bedroom. That’s the night she informed me we were going to have an open marriage.”