41. BALANCE #2
“You two are mates—that much is already fated. The prophecy seems to speak of both your powers, which leads me to reason that a higher power has their hand in this. We just need to figure out how it’s going to unfold.”
“I’m not even sure it’s something we can plan, Aremis. And that’s what worries me the most. You know how I am.”
“Two steps ahead of those that already think they’re two steps ahead, I know. But this may be something you have to take in stride and go with what feels right in the moment—as much as it might pain you to not have it all planned out.”
I blew out a breath. What he said made perfect sense, but I was still struggling to come to terms with it. “What I do know is I’m going to have to use my power like I did at Gabbath.”
When I met Aremis’s eyes, I could tell he was reading everything I wasn’t saying, and finding it written clear as day in my expression.
“You fear you won’t be able to come back from it.”
I didn’t reply this time.
“Have you talked to Auren about all this?” he asked.
“No, but I will.”
He unhooked his hands and dragged one over his face. “Niall, the ceremony is tomorrow—”
“I know. But I don’t want to throw this on top of it.
Not with everything else that we’re trying to accomplish.
” Which was also why I needed to expend this energy and clear my mind so that I could focus on tomorrow.
The shadows were itching to get out, and the last thing I needed was for them to be provoked into action during what I was certain was going to be a very eventful evening. “I’ll handle it after.”
Aremis didn’t agree with me, but he didn’t press the matter any further.
“However this power came to be in you, you were also gifted with the ability to harness it in a way that Evander wasn’t.
That has to count for something. Auren needs every advantage she can get to allow her to take down Lyceius.
So if you really are part of this prophecy, you’re going to have to find the balance again, for whatever capacity in which you end up using it.
It may not look like it did before, but it’s there. It has to be.”
Balance. It was almost laughable. Ever since Benmoor, I had been fighting a silent, uphill battle. At this point, I didn’t know if I could ever achieve balance with my power again. But I would damn sure try. I wasn’t giving up.
The shadowfire in my veins seemed to snicker at the mere thought.
I rolled my shoulders, as if I could shrug off every worry. “What about you?” I asked, needing to focus on something else for a while. “Learn anything of importance while you’ve been investigating the Aether with Maeson and Nivelle?”
He sighed. “I think I’ve learned more in the past day with them than I have in all the years I’ve spent trying to figure it out myself.”
“Funny how that works,” I said, trying to muster a half-smile.
“We found an ancient spellbook in the library. One of its kind, I suspect. There’s a spell that involves . . . well, it’s quite complicated. But it’s achievable. I’m, uh . . . I’m going to need a stone from Torin’s diadem in order to break the dark magic that binds the curse to me.”
I lifted a brow. “Is that what the spell requires?”
“We think that’s what it requires. Nivelle was the one who suggested it.
She apparently plans to take that up with Torin the next time she sees her.
And if there’s anyone who has a chance at getting something like that from the goddess, it would be her.
Unleashing it won’t be easy, though. And I’m not particularly fond of the spell that’s linked to it. ”
“You plan to unleash it during battle, then?”
“I’m going to try. Neither Lyceius, nor Skadi will see it coming. Hopefully it will buy Auren some time and save lives.”
“And it will free you,” I reminded him.
“This isn’t about me.”
“No, but your well-being is just as important as everyone else’s.”
“I’m not so sure my well-being is included in the unbinding process.”
The tone of his voice set me on edge. It sounded as if he was wrestling with thoughts of his own demise. I wasn’t as good at reading him as he was at reading me, but I could tell when he was truly bothered.
“What are you saying?” I pressed.
“The wraith claimed no one knew the cost of releasing the Aether from its vessel . . . but I think I do. I think I’ve always known. It’s the one thing that I constantly fight with on a daily basis when it comes to my power.” He winced as he said, “It’s my mind.”
“Your mind? Like . . . your sanity?”
“My mind, as in, me. My memories, my very essence.”
At a loss for words, I stared at him. And for the very first time, I saw a glimpse at the strain he always masked. The Aura had been a significant source of tension that he somehow managed to endure. He never let that struggle show. Never.
Until now.
His eyes dimmed as exhaustion set into his features. “The Aether is all consuming,” he said, grimly. “It’s everything, everywhere, all at once. It takes all that I have to keep it in check—much like your own power. But when I release it, I don’t know how much of myself I’ll get to keep a hold of.”
“You don’t have to release it, Aremis—”