Six WeeksSix MonthsSix Years Ago
Six Weeks or Six Months or Six Years* Ago
*Maybe Sixty
Q
There is a quiet clarity that only a fall from a train can provide.
Death makes all other thoughts seem small.
It shoves them out the door like a bar at closing time, shuts the windows, draws the blinds, and when your mind is empty, sits with you in silence.
Q welcomed its company. He did not want to die alone.
Q could not think of anything to say to Death.
Speaking required him to think, and thoughts, this close to the end, were dangerous.
Doubt did not just shatter trains. It broke a person’s will too.
Q needed to keep his will intact until he slammed into a boulder or the ground.
If it cracked, even just a little, he would scream, and Q could not tell if he had fallen far enough to be out of Raya’s earshot.
He did not wish for her to hear his fear.
Q did not have time to find the courage he needed to throw himself off the train.
All he had were a stowaway’s secrets to weigh him down.
Each moth he had touched when he thrust his arm through the stowaway’s chest had been a thought filled with Lily’s guilt and told him the story of all the other times he and Raya had boarded the Elsewhere Express.
He had not brought the stowaway on board, but if he jumped, he hoped he could take it with him.
He clung to the stowaway’s truth, needing to believe, up to his last moment, that what he had done to keep the train and Raya safe had worked.
Q landed on his feet, his eyes shut, wondering if he was alive or in hell.
He kept his eyes closed, refusing to shed a tear for something he did not regret.
A strong wind whipped his coat and hair, carrying the roar of an approaching train.
The broken walking stick in his hands told him where and when he was.
This was the night he had boarded the Elsewhere Express, the night he would get his sight back and meet a woman with lavender hair.
All he had to do was step away from the platform and board his train when it came to a stop.
Q turned and walked away from his latest second chance.
The only way he could keep the Elsewhere Express safe was by never boarding it and awakening Lily’s guilt again.