Chapter Three #4
And yet, I found myself pausing. I followed Marcus to the couches when he yanked on my arm, and he pushed me into a seat.
“Look. I know what you’re going through.”
“You don’t know shit,” I snarled.
“I’ve been through hell, too, you know.” Marcus remained surprisingly calm.
“And I learned a thing or two about loss. You want someone to swoop in and take all your pain away, but here’s the honest truth.
This sorrow and regret doesn’t have to be a bad thing if you use it in the right way.
Your pain is there for a reason, and it can either send you spiraling into a dark hole you can’t dig yourself out of, or it can push you forward to be better.
I get that it’s a tough pill to swallow, but if I can spare you even a second of torment that I put myself through after you broke mine and Kallie’s bond, then you have to let me. ”
That caused everything in my life to come to a halt. “I… I guess I hadn’t thought about your break-up with Kallie. What got you through it?”
“Therapy helped a lot, along with art and theater,” Marcus said.
“But what really turned things around was realizing that it was all necessary. You broke my bond and did what you had to do because I was hurting Kallie. I was being abusive toward her, and we had to break our magical connection for me to realize that. You hurt Ava, and you guys both made mistakes, but you need to try and work through it. You guys were there for me and Kallie when we were going through our pain, so now, we’re going to be here for you. ”
I shook my head. “Ava and I can’t come back from this the way you and Kallie did.
And even if we could, I don’t deserve it.
You’re right to use the word abuse, because that’s exactly what it was.
I wanted to keep Ava safe so badly that I ended up being the one hurting her, and I abused her by trying to control her.
I shouldn’t get a pass on that even if I went to therapy and got better.
I locked Ava in a cage, and I’ll never be able to make up for that.
She was justified in giving me those papers.
The only thing I can do now is set her free.
People like me don’t deserve second chances. ”
“You’re right. You don’t.” Marcus’ bluntness caught me off guard.
“By the gods, Kallie gave me a second chance, but I didn’t expect it.
I’m only with her because she gave me the grace to try again, a second chance I didn’t deserve.
I’m not here to convince you that Ava will ever forgive you.
I’m here to tell you that regardless of the outcome, you need to do better for her— but it’s got to be genuine, and not just a way to win Ava back. ”
“So, what? You want me to become a saint? Save my own soul?”
Marcus scoffed. “I’m not telling you to repent and become a better person.
I’m saying you need to be a better husband.
The fact is, we still have work to do, and it’s going to be dark, questionable work— stuff we’ve never thought of before to take the Warden down.
I don’t want that morally gray part of you to change, but you gotta change how you use it.
We can be villains without being abusive romantic partners.
We can’t let our villainy spill over to our relationships, because without our women to set us straight, we’ll completely go off the rails.
We have to save all our anger for the Warden, and make sure we treat our girls with the respect and love they deserve.
We don’t own them, Charlie. In fact, we owe them for saving us, because I know I wouldn’t be here without Kallie.
You feel the same way about Ava. What we did, both of us, was fucked up.
So be a good husband, and make this right. ”
“I’m not going to be her husband anymore.
She wants a divorce. I can’t keep hurting her, so if she wants to leave, I need to let her.
I need to let her divorce me if she wants to, because this isn’t fair to her.
You keep saying we can work things out, but there’s no hope of that anymore.
Ava and I are done. Our marriage is over.
We aren’t going to get back together the way you and Kallie did. ”
“I’m not saying you have to save your marriage.
But you guys still have to work out where to go from here.
Whether you get divorced or not, you and Ava will always have a relationship.
You’re always going to mean something to her.
Even if you aren’t her husband anymore, you two will always be connected, so you need to treat her right, even if you aren’t romantically involved.
You be the best husband that walks this planet up until the point you aren’t hers anymore.
You try to mend your mistakes, then give her the best of you even after those papers are signed. That’s all you can do.”
His words weighed heavily on my heart. “I guess you’re right. I can’t expect us to get back together, and if I played nice just to win her favor, it’d only be another manipulation tactic. I don’t want to do that to her.”
“You can’t keep manipulating yourself, either,” Marcus said gently.
“I’ve learned a lot about myself after my bond broke, about my trauma and how it affected me.
You have trauma to address, too, and I think this work would be helpful for you.
I’ll be there to support you through it.
Personally, I think you and Ava belong together, but this isn’t an Ava and you problem.
This is about each of you individually. You guys need to figure out your own shit before you two come together, because that’s what Kallie and I had to do.
Now that I’m on the other side of it, I see it in you two as well.
Both of you have your own personal demons to face if you ever want this relationship to work. ”
“What kind of trauma are you referring to?” My head was still pounding, but I found that talking to Marcus helped, so I wanted him to keep going.
"Terrible things happened to me when I was an infant that my parents told me about now that I'm older,” Marcus admitted. “I mean, some of it I kind of figured, even though I was too young to remember it or understand. I was there when Dean died.”
The room fell silent for a beat, and Rishi gave a slight mew. I’d never asked Marcus how his twin passed away. It wasn’t something I thought I had the right to know. Even when he brought it up, I wasn’t going to prod for information he didn’t freely offer.
“I don't have conscious memories of it, but my body remembers,” Marcus continued.
“I learned at a young age that the world wasn't safe, and that dictated every experience I had afterward. I had bigger reactions to things than other kids would, because my foundation of the world and the lens I saw it through was different. Everything felt dangerous, and I hid a lot of my feelings because I thought I was stupid or crazy for feeling that way. But I've come to learn that I’m not broken. When you put together everything that’s happened to me, I actually make complete sense.”
“Really?” I asked. “I thought you got a diagnosis. Doesn’t that mean your brain doesn’t work right?”
“A mental health diagnosis doesn’t damn you.
I thought it did at first, like this was just the way I was and I could never change it.
But I've learned that my diagnosis may be more complex than borderline, which I used to think was a personality flaw. People diagnosed with BPD often experienced childhood trauma, but trauma leads to a whole host of other issues. People are often told their behavior is the issue, when really, it’s just a symptom.
I'm learning that these symptoms are just pieces of my trauma left behind.
They're like clues that, once I understand them, I can work with.”
“How so?”
“I know now that a diagnosis is just a piece of the puzzle.
Once I stopped feeling ashamed about it, I could see how it fit into my life.
My brain developed all these mechanisms to protect me.
My parents were great, but there were things they couldn't protect me from. Because of what happened when I was a baby, I developed an anxious attachment style that affected my adult relationships.”
Marcus went on. “It makes sense now why I’m always assuming the worst and anticipating bad outcomes to prepare for them, because I know what it feels like to be helpless.
But now I know I'm not doomed. I'm traumatized, and I can pursue treatments to help me.
I can't erase what happened to me, but my body can learn that I don't have to default to a fear response.
I don't have to live with these symptoms and cope. With the right support, I can learn to feel safe and secure in my relationships.”
“I’m glad it’s working out for you, but I don’t even know where to start. This whole situation is my fault, and because of it, I hate myself. But you know what? I hate her, too.”
I expected Marcus to tell me I was wrong and a horrible person for thinking that. But if he judged me at all, he didn’t let it show.
“I don’t think you hate her, Charlie. You hate what you did to her. And because you can’t stand it, you’re trying to hide that shame by redirecting your anger at her. But you’ve gotta own up to what you’ve done if you ever want to make this right.”
I shut up, because he was right. Marcus had stopped me from removing my tattoo, and maybe that’s all I was looking for. If I really wanted it gone, it was best to make that decision sober.
“You should probably get back to sleep,” Marcus encouraged.
I shakily stood. “Yeah. Thanks for talking. Night, Marcus.”
I shut the door to my room and sat on the edge of the bed. I ran my thumb across my left wrist, where Ava’s name was tattooed, then over my ring finger, where our wedding date was inscribed.
Maybe I couldn’t erase the past, but if Ava and I weren’t going to be married anymore, I figured I should at least take off my wedding ring. It would be a start to the healing process and moving on, right? Just one small step.
I pinched the ring between my fingers, but I couldn’t bring myself to pull it off.
I’d worn this ring every day for over a year.
After all, Ava had thrown her ring at me.
It was sitting in my side table drawer right now, completely discarded.
She didn’t care to wear her ring anymore, so I should’ve been able to take off mine.
I couldn’t. It didn’t make any sense how I could accept that Ava and I were over, that I was willing to give her the divorce she wanted, but be wholly unable to take this ring off.
It didn’t feel right. This ring was more than a symbol of our marriage.
It was a vow, one I’d made her back in the abandoned chapel at the Institute, then again in the temple here in Ilamanthe.
I’d promised to never abandon her, to be at her side regardless of what came, to forgive her for any wound she dealt me no matter how severe.
Those vows were being tested now. Just how serious about them was I?
If I took off this ring, all those promises went with it…
Even if those promises were already broken.