Chapter Sixteen #3
I scoffed. “An opportunity. Like you wouldn’t be crawling on your knees barking if there was a way you could fix your bond with Marcus.”
“If there was a chance for me and Marcus to restore our bond, I’d take it now, but we needed to break it to get to a point where we could be together,” Kallie insisted.
“Losing your bond is terrible, Ava. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone through, and I’d do anything to get mine back.
But we had to lose that bond so we could come back to each other again. It’s what we needed.”
Kallie shrugged. “And maybe losing your bond is what you guys needed.”
I stayed silent, and Kallie added, “You weren’t exactly in a great place before everything happened.
Charlie was getting out of control, and you were being purposefully ignorant so it didn’t put any tension on your relationship.
You were so scared to lose him by confronting his behavior you ended up losing him anyway, and he was so scared of being honest with you that when the truth came out, it wrecked both of you.
Maybe the breakdown needed to come before the breakthrough.
And saving a marriage after it gets to the point you guys are at is no small feat. It takes radical change.”
I didn’t respond, and Kallie said, “Come on. I’m not leaving you out here to be depressed by yourself.”
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“My place.”
Marcus and Kallie had separate apartments before they’d started dating, but after what happened with the Dollmaker, they’d moved in together immediately.
Marcus’ art supplies were scattered everywhere, with Kallie’s fae weaponry and sports gear tossed around it.
They were a messy couple. I had to roll around the stuff on the floor to avoid breaking it.
I pulled up to the kitchen table. Kallie started distributing brushes, paint tubes, and canvases. “What are we doing?”
“Painting,” she replied. “I’ve gotten into it since Marcus has started teaching me stuff. I’m not half as good as he is, obviously, but it’s a good way to take your mind off things.”
I could use a mental break. I dipped a brush into some purple paint, dragging it across my canvas. We worked in silence for a moment before I got the courage to ask, “How’s wedding planning?”
Kallie let out a long breath. “Bad, honestly. Okay, not bad, but I’d rather do anything else.
I’m not into planning parties like you are, Ava.
It’s stressing me out, not to mention I don’t even know when the wedding is going to be now that the Warden is hanging around.
It feels wasteful to throw a huge wedding when we don’t know if Ilamanthe’s food supplies are going to last through the season. ”
I frowned. “I’m sorry. I’m your matron of honor, and I’m not doing anything to help you plan.”
“I don’t expect you to help. You’re going through a lot right now.”
“You don’t deserve to have your big day ruined just because I’m getting a divorce and had a random baby. You were so helpful during my wedding, both of them, and you deserve to be celebrated on your big day.”
Kallie nodded. “I know. I’m excited for the event itself, but I can’t be bothered with choosing the menu or the guest list and all that. I just don’t care. All I give a shit about is my dress and if Marcus shows up. The rest are all minor details."
“Maybe you guys should have a small wedding,” I offered. “If you’re not into all the extras, what’s the sense in making it a big show?”
“Maybe,” Kallie grumbled. “I just want to be married already. I don’t see why I have to be paraded around like a French poodle.”
“As long as Marcus is okay with it, do what you want.”
“Marcus isn’t going to care. He’ll go along with whatever I pick. Yes, pretty girl, are the only words that he knows.” Kallie laughed.
I snorted. “I wish stuff in my marriage was that easy.”
Kallie rolled her eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ava. You’re the real dom.”
“What? No, I’m not. I’ve always been the submissive,” I argued.
“You’re having relationship problems because you put Charlie in charge,” Kallie said, sounding bored. “Who’s the real sub, here?”
I scoffed. “Charlie is not submissive. If you think he is, you don’t know him.”
“Ava, he’s been useless lately! He’s done nothing since you gave him those papers but wander around completely lost because you’re not there to tell him what to do!” Kallie burst. “He’s literally waiting around for a dom to give him some instruction. What else does a sub do?”
I blanked out momentarily. “I don’t think you’re right. He’s always been the one who makes the rules for us, and I follow them. If he wasn’t a dominant, he wouldn’t like telling me what to do.”
“Cool, so he has a lot of bravado, and enjoys playing the role of this dark, edgy guy who can take you past your limits in bed,” Kallie said. “That doesn’t mean he’s a dominant.”
“He wants to make the decisions!”
“Yeah, because he’s making a lot of decisions now without you telling him which ones to make. He wants to be in service to you. He needs to be needed by you, and now that he’s not, he doesn’t have a purpose. You think that you have a praise kink? Please.”
“But…” This couldn’t be true. “But he’s the one who ties me up. He likes making the calls.”
“Yeah, but does he take charge if you don’t tell him to? Is he actually a dom, or is he just playing the role you want him to play? You told him to handcuff you and call you a bad girl, so he did.” Kallie smirked, like she had this all figured out.
“He’s the one who came up with the idea for all this stuff in the first place! He introduced me to the handcuffs!”
“Because he knew you’d like them,” Kallie said.
“It doesn’t count if he’s tying you up and pulling your hair if you’re the one telling him to do it.
You told him to dominate you. He didn’t ask to.
Just because he gets off on it doesn’t mean he’s getting off on being a dom.
He’s getting off on giving you what you’re asking for. ”
“I can’t believe this. You’re making this up.” I refused to hear her out, because this was turning my world on its head.
“Ava, look at the facts.” Kallie laid her hands on the table. “You asked him to marry you, and he jumped when you said so. You said to let the Institute burn, and he did. You told him to fight the world for you, and that’s all he’s been doing from the moment you met.”
Kallie reached for my wrist and turned it over, drawing attention to Charlie’s name sprawled across my skin in black ink.
“You don’t believe me? Then whose idea was this?
You two weren’t even dating when you got those tattoos, but the second you suggested it, Charlie perked up like a puppy dog faster than your actual dog ever has.
I know, because I was there. That was your first act of dominance.
You marked your man, and Charlie has been bowing at your feet like you’re his goddess ever since. ”
Oh… fuck.
I thought about when we’d hooked up recently. I was the one who’d asked him to fuck me; he wasn’t the one who initiated.
And he’d done it without question. Like he always did. He always fulfilled whatever request I asked him to do. He’d been really helpful during labor. He’d jumped in and done what needed to be done, whenever I needed it.
Maybe Charlie had been waiting on me all along.
“I don’t care. It doesn’t justify his actions,” I argued. “He tried to lock me up, so how can you say that he wants me to be dominant over him? That’s totally illogical.”
“I get that, and what he did was wrong, but you gave him that control and told him that he could make all the decisions, so in a round-about way, he probably thought he was doing what you wanted,” Kallie said.
“You told him to make decisions for you when you couldn’t, so in his mind, he was following your commands the best he could.
He’s trying to take things off your shoulders and make your bipolar easier on you, so he’s taken on this dom role.
But he’s not actually the one in charge, you are, because you have all the power, and you haven’t been wielding it since we left school. ”
Kallie shook her head. “It can’t work that way for the two of you— look what happened when you tried.
When Charlie tried to take on this dom role, it literally fucked up the world.
Charlie might be next in line to be king, but this isn’t a kingdom.
You’re queen, and as far as you and Charlie are concerned, this world is your queendom. ”
I considered her words, and with a sinking feeling, knew that she was right. I hadn’t kept Charlie in check. I’d let him run wild and do whatever, because I hadn’t wanted the responsibility of keeping him in line.
“Looks like I haven’t been wielding as much authority as I should be,” I admitted begrudgingly.
“I’m not saying it’s your fault he made those fucked up choices, because it’s not, but you basically gave him permission to have free reign,” Kallie pointed out. “And what does a sub do when they don’t have any guidance?”
“They… lose it.” This put his betrayal in perspective. I didn’t think I could forgive Charlie for what he’d done… until I realized I had to forgive myself first, because I was the one who’d enabled him to have so much control.
I shook my head. “This is some really deep psychological shit.”
“And it’s probably all subconscious, too. Subs need a dom. If you’re not directing him on how to make you happy, he’s lost. Charlie can handle the heavy lifting and get shit done, but not unless you tell him what to do.”
“If I tell him to win me back, it doesn't count, because I’m the one putting in the emotional effort. Shouldn’t I be able to drop clues to make him get the point? I've been hinting to him that if he wants us back together, he needs to put more effort in!”
“Men are different than us. We have to be direct,” Kallie insisted. “Women communicate through subtlety, but men typically don’t.”
“I’m not following.”