Chapter Nineteen #5
I was pretty high up. If I lost my grip, I’d go tumbling to my death.
I could use my Air magic to save me, but that would be cheating.
I could prompt the Earth magic inside of me to move the rock so I could climb the mountain easier, but I wasn’t going to do that, either.
My ancestors had climbed mountains without the use of magic to finish their ceremonies, so I had to do that, too.
Many of them had probably died in the attempt to do so, and I wasn’t a coward.
I gritted my teeth, then let out a yell as I forced my arm to lift me higher. I grabbed on to the next handhold, and my feet managed to locate a place to land. I continued climbing, sweat droplets freezing on my face as I scaled higher.
Liam watched me, dropping his voice. “I know you love Ava, and continuing to lie to yourself isn’t going to help.
A hundred years can pass and you’re still going to want her.
She’s going to destroy you either way if this marriage ends.
Trying to protect yourself isn’t going to prevent that pain from coming.
So which story do you want to keep telling yourself?
Are you going to choose the lies, or the hope, even if the hope hurts more in the process? ”
“Even if I did this… I’m not the only one with problems.” My breaths were labored.
I shivered, struggling to find handholds, using every ounce of strength within me to maintain my grip as the icy cold overtook all feeling.
I was going to develop frostbite if I didn’t get to the top of this mountain, and Liam was such a hard-ass I figured he’d leave me here.
The thought of making things right with Casey’s mother was the only thing keeping me going, because if my son wasn’t alive, I’d have given up already and let the mountain take me.
Life felt like this, endless climbing with no summit in sight, and I just wanted to get to the top by now.
Why couldn’t I manage to overcome the storms in my life? They never got better— only got worse.
“You’re right,” he said. “Ava hasn’t been honest with you about what she wants, and she has to work on that, too. But can you understand why that would be terrifying for her, to be honest with you after what you did?”
I shivered again, only this time it wasn’t from the cold.
I clung to the side of the rock face, Liam’s words skewering through me like a blade that held me in place.
I’d given a lot of thought to what I’d done by breaking our bond.
The guilt had consumed me, causing me to lay awake for many sleepless nights wondering how I could undo the damage.
But I’d never looked beyond the guilt. It hadn’t occurred to me that Ava wasn’t just hurt, or angry… she was wholly and utterly afraid.
Afraid of me. Afraid of being left defenseless without her powers… left without her protector.
Afraid that being honest with me and asking me to return might destroy her all over again.
Reality crashed into me as I realized the truth.
Ava was afraid of men. She always had been.
It’d been obvious from the beginning. She’d never wanted to date, get close, never wanted to put her heart on the line after what had happened to her, but she’d made an exception for me…
because she’d believed in me. She knew that I was stronger than her, able to hurt her in whatever way I wished without her being able to do a damn thing about it.
Without her magic, I could overpower her easily, without even trying.
If she couldn’t trust me anymore, how could she be sure I wouldn’t do something to hurt her again?
Not just emotionally, but physically and otherwise.
Things had been great between us for years, and she’d eagerly given me her body.
That had been a very precious gift she’d been afraid to give away.
But she knew in the back of her mind that if I wanted to, I had the capability to take that gift by force, and she couldn’t do anything to stop me.
I’d never force myself upon Ava. It went against the very core of me to even think about it.
I’d prefer to slit my own throat. But I’d forced her to do other things, and she feared what else I was capable of.
Too many terrible people had done things to Ava without her consent, from the Warden to John to the supernatural world itself…
and I hated to find myself among their ranks, because I’d forced my will to rule the world upon Ava when she didn’t want it.
I was still forcing her into things. She was seeking a divorce not because she wanted one, but because I’d convinced her I’d given up and there was no other way.
It was clear. She was terrified of me. I’d been stuck in my pain, too hurt to look through her eyes and understand just how frightening I was to her.
That wasn’t the role of a husband. I was supposed to be her hero, the person she looked up to and the man who always kept her safe. She was supposed to be my top priority, but I’d left her alone in the middle of a deserted world with no one to defend her, or even be her friend.
If Ava didn’t feel safe with me, how could she continue to love me?
She couldn’t. It was impossible for a woman to love someone she was afraid of, no matter how hard she tried.
And I’d been doing nothing since she’d thrown those papers at me except insult her, blame her, and accuse her of wanting to wound me, when really, she just wanted to feel safe in my arms again.
For the first time, I really really thought about the situation without looking through the lens of guilt, and without placing blame upon myself.
I saw what had really happened— the truth of what I’d done to her, and who she’d been forced to become in the aftermath.
What her fear of me had turned her into.
People rarely did things to hurt others, and Ava never did.
If she did something bad, it was because she was scared.
Ava had been afraid all her life. How could I blame her for doing whatever it took to get by?
If she’d made an agreement with herself to do anything to get through the day, and I’d threatened that peace, maybe I deserved what I’d got.
I couldn’t blame her for serving me those divorce papers.
I’d have done it too if the roles were reversed.
I understood then why Ava wasn’t able to be honest with me, and why I couldn’t blame her for it.
Ava couldn’t admit what she wanted to herself, let alone to me, because to do so put her in danger.
It meant opening her heart to the monster who’d already consumed it once before, and by hell, I didn’t want her to feel unsafe anymore.
I’d spent so long clinging to the demon I’d become as a way to punish myself, and it was only perpetuating harm to us both. I’d promised to protect her. I needed to become that shield again.
“You’re right,” I whispered, giving a shudder against the rock.
“I feel terrible. I didn’t just break our bond and shatter our world.
I failed to pick up the pieces in the aftermath.
And failing to repair what I broke is worse than what I did in the first place.
I ruined our marriage, but I haven’t tried to fix it. ”
“You’re almost there,” Liam encouraged. “Keep going.”
I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore, but I kept moving forward, using my connection to Earth to feel where my hands landed on the rock. My arms were on the verge of giving out, and my legs shook as I climbed higher.
“Ava knows if I leave… I’ll be taking her heart with me,” I choked out. “She believes that no heart at all is better than one that’s been torn to pieces, so it’s better to send me away with it. She doesn’t want to feel anymore, because it’s safer to feel numb.”
I forced down a lump in my throat. “I thought that to make this right and give her heart back, I had to remove myself from this relationship. But she gave up her heart to me long ago, and I can’t leave without taking it with me.”
One hand over the other, I told myself. Because that was the only way past this shitty situation. Through.
I kept climbing, talking aloud to organize my thoughts.
“But the only way to restore her heart is to put it back together one piece at a time. And once it’s back together— once it’s hers again— she can decide what to do with it.
It’s up to her to take me or leave me, but at least I can give her back what I took before I go. I can make her feel safe again.”
I shook. “It will never be restored to what it once was… but at least it’ll be hers. And she’ll get to decide what to do with it. Not me.”
I reached a ledge, something high and flat. The air up here was thin, and I could hardly breathe. I climbed over the edge and collapsed onto my back, gasping for breath that only burned my lungs.
“You’re done,” Liam said.
“No,” I rasped, reaching out with shaking hands for the next rock. My hands met nothing but empty air— freezing sky that felt like needles in my chest. “I won’t stop until I make it to the top.”
Liam slid off Julian’s back. “It wasn’t a question, kid. You’re done. You’ve made it to the top.”
He grabbed my outstretched hand and pulled me upright to a sitting position. Dazed, I turned my head from one direction then the other to listen to the wind. Reaching out with my Earth magic, I sensed only rock beneath me and air above.
“Hell, you aren’t messing with me,” I breathed. “I made it to the summit.”