Chapter Twenty-Four #4
The vision shifted. Day became night, everything turning to ash and shadow.
Black clouds hung throughout the desperate night as screams rose over a bloody battlefield.
Explosions sounded in the background, harboring the sounds of death.
Bodies of loved ones lay scattered everywhere, torn to shreds and lying lifeless.
The raven-haired woman no longer wore a crown.
She clung to the baby in her arms before turning into her husband, clutching at his chest to give him one final kiss.
He wrapped his arms around her and shielded his family as a wicked god spread his wings wide above the war-torn field, his nefarious laughter infecting the land.
He brought his final spell down upon the world, and everything went dark.
The temple slowly materialized as the vision ended. I came back into my body, feeling the sensation of Casey kicking against my arms.
A solitary tear dripped slowly down my face.
My son had given me the clarity I needed. Though he was so little, naderei were natural guides, and there was no doubting his power. Idril and Caralyn could no longer send me visions, but Casey could share them with me, and he’d just experienced his first foretelling of what was to come.
I already knew there were two paths ahead of me, and I’d have to choose. Those two very different choices were laid in front of me in tragic precision.
I had the ability to beat the Warden, even without my magic.
I could lead my allies against him, use my cleverness to end his monstrous rule, and bring Ilamanthe into an age of peace while reigning as Empress.
If I did this, none of my loved ones or friends had to die.
They’d all make it to the end, and we could heal this world back to the way it should be.
But if I did that… I couldn’t be with Charlie, or keep Casey. If I decided to step into this role of Empress, Charlie would have to walk away, and take Casey with him.
The reality crushed me to consider, until I remembered the second vision.
In it, I’d clung to Charlie and fought to save my marriage, while struggling to find a way to love this child.
I’d put my family first, before the well-being of the rest of the world, and it had led to the Warden winning the war.
He’d killed all my friends and destroyed what was left of our world before finally taking me out, killing my entire family with me. Neither Charlie nor Casey survived.
I’d already chosen my heart over the world once before, and it had nearly led to the end of all things. Charlie had broken my heart, and because I couldn’t have him, I’d tried to destroy the universe. I had to choose differently this time.
Returning to this marriage wasn’t about just going back to Charlie— it would require me to become a mother to Casey, too. I could be his mother, or be the Holy Mother. I had to decide now.
Cameron had been right in the worst way possible, because he’d warned we’d have to choose the empire over our son.
But he’d also been wrong, because he didn’t understand what true sacrifice required.
Cameron had abandoned Charlie because he didn’t care about his child, but I genuinely wanted to save my son.
I couldn’t handle Casey getting tortured like Charlie had, his back split open by that terrible whip.
I knew if the Warden got his hands on my child, he’d do worse to this baby.
He wouldn’t hurt Casey, though… if I was in the way. To do it, I’d have to take up a crown, and place my son aside.
My body was nearly rendered in two by the immense heartbreak of it all, because I could hardly bear it.
Charlie and I had done so much work to repair our marriage.
We’d tried our very best to fix things… but it didn’t matter, because if I wanted to save his life, the life of my son, and all the people I loved, I still had to give him up.
I had to get to a place where I loved Charlie so much I could let him be free.
I had to choose to leave him behind in order to become what my people…
and my son… needed me to be. I’d tried to end the world because I didn’t want the ones I loved to suffer anymore.
Now I saw that suffering was unavoidable.
Leaving Charlie and finally breaking our marriage would cause great suffering to both of us.
Maybe all the work we’d done wasn’t to unite us again. Maybe we’d done it in order to get to a place where we could let each other go. I was no longer leaving Charlie out of spite or because he’d wounded me, but out of great love.
I was the Holy Mother. A mother’s job was to endure tremendous sacrifice to protect her children, and the people of the supernatural community were my children now.
I wanted to heal my wounded feminine side, trust that other people could take care of me and that I didn’t need to journey through this world alone, but now I understood that I could never do it.
I was a warrior, and I had to fight for what was important.
I couldn’t keep Charlie or Casey with me, but I could give them a life beyond me, and that’s what mattered.
When Charlie and I had left the island, I’d been optimistic that there was a way to find healing through softness, through intuition, nurturing and compassion.
But this latest battle made me understand reality.
Mothers couldn’t afford to be feminine in this world.
They had to stand strong in their masculine, defend their children and not allow anyone to harm them.
I wanted Charlie to protect and provide for me, but all of his attention had to go to Casey.
The best way he could support me was to raise this child, because I couldn’t.
Not if I was to become everything I was meant to be.
Charlie couldn’t keep putting himself in the line of fire for me. Not if he was going to raise our son and keep him alive. I wasn’t the priority anymore, and I never wanted Charlie to become the sacrifice on my behalf.
He’d nearly died this time. The only reason he hadn’t was because Marcus had kept his soul in his body while Ez had healed him. If those two hadn’t been there, he would’ve bled to death in front of me while I remained uselessly at his side, unable to do anything about it.
We’d had too many close calls in the span of our relationship.
That wasn’t considering the amount of death we’d escaped in the short term of our marriage alone.
If we kept gambling with our lives like this, eventually, we’d come up short.
It wouldn’t end unless I decided to change the pattern.
There was always one more battle to face, and in the next one, Charlie might not come home.
There weren’t many lines I wouldn’t bend. Burying Charlie was one line I didn’t dare to cross. He would not go to his grave unless I was in one first, this I promised myself.
Ironically, the one way to save him and Casey was to save everyone else.
But I couldn’t have them at my side if I was going to do it.
I couldn’t work on fixing my relationship and saving my family if I had to commit to fixing the world for all these people, no matter how much I wanted to.
I wasn’t powerful enough, or strong enough, to do or have it all.
The world kept asking me to make sacrifices. I had to choose to sacrifice my place in my family for the empire’s sake, because if I didn’t, everything would die. The Warden would kill everything, and there’d be no stopping him.
I’d never had my freedom in the first place. It’d always belonged to someone else. Even so, I was willing to throw it away for the sake of my family. I’d give my life for my son and my husband, so they could have a clean slate to start over once all of this was done.
There was no other decision to make. I was an Empress now. It was time to spread my wings and take flight.
I leaned down to press my lips gently to Casey’s forehead. “I wish I could’ve gotten to know you, little baby. You’re someone I could grow to like very, very much.”
Casey smiled again, and I preserved the moment in my memory. Maybe one day when he was old enough, I’d have a chance to explain to him why I did what I did.
I prayed not. All I wanted was for him to move on, forget about me and have a happy life with Charlie. That’s what they both deserved. They were the only future I had, and I was choosing to fade from their memory forever.
But I wasn’t a person anymore as much as I was a symbol.
I had been reduced to nothing more than an emblem of justice in this world’s reckoning, a beacon of judgement presiding over the Warden’s punishment.
It was all I was. And it was all the empire required me to be.
The Elvish people didn’t need a wife or a mother.
They needed an Empress. So that’s what I would become, even if it killed me to do it.
It would destroy what little remained of me to leave behind my spouse, my child, and everything I dreamed I could have.
I was glad Charlie had ripped apart my soul.
If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t be strong enough to do this.
He hadn’t sentenced me to a cruel punishment by ripping my spirit away or by breaking our bond in two.
He’d bestowed upon me a treasured mercy.
Even this universe’s punishments were protection. I was slowly starting to see just why suffering was so important. I once thought I could write my own destiny. Now I understood that this was what fate required, and nothing was going to change it.
I knew who I was deep down, and always had.
I was going to be the light in this world that was so shrouded by darkness.
I couldn’t afford to be wrong, so I wouldn’t be.
I’d rise to transfigure into everything I was meant to resemble, and there was nothing left for me to be afraid of, for no fear could stop me from making my evolution.
I could clearly picture the woman I was metamorphosing into.
I’d take my chance to turn this realm into everything I knew it could be…
by alchemizing into the greatness I would become.
Soft sunlight shone through the windows of the temple, igniting the pews with the hues of sunrise. I thought of the first line of my prophecy, the one that had far past finished, yet still didn’t seem quite done with me.
The balance between the light and the dark
Will be brought together by the light of the new dawn.
I was the one who’d sent this world into chaos. It was finally my time to sink into the flames, and make things right.
I jostled the baby in my arms, turning him so he could watch the rising sun. “Look, bright eyes. There it is.”
I spoiled myself by giving him one last kiss, nestling my lips in his feathery locks as he beamed against the break of day. “The new dawn.”