CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX #3
She unfurled herself from the covers. He took her hand and wiped the blood away with a featherlight touch, then followed with the rest of her body.
And somehow him caring for her this way felt more intimate than what they’d just done and she had to look away.
Once satisfied, he tossed the rag into a nearby hamper, and the mattress dipped as he joined her, his head propped up on his hand.
All too aware she was still nude, she tugged on his shirt and fumbled with the buttons, not caring they were misaligned.
Dez offered her all his attention, and they both just watched each other, unsure where to go from there.
She chewed on her cheek as she examined his wounds, healing, but ragged. How much pain had he endured while doing that? Was it worth it? Maybe he didn’t want anything more. She cleared her throat and said, “Can I ask why you didn’t let me touch you?”
“For a few reasons,” he put simply.
Curiosity and insecurity besting her, she asked, “And those would be?”
“I have to keep you coming back for more somehow, don’t I? Can’t give it all away on the first date.”
She snorted. “This was not a date.”
“We had dinner, chatted, and you came on my tongue—multiple times. I would consider that a date, and a successful one at that.” He skimmed his fingers along the blush spreading across her cheek. “And, call me an old soul, but I have certain requirements before I give myself to someone.”
She raised a brow and a tiny smile tugged her lips. “Requirements? Like what? Did you want me to beg, Dez? Because I think we both know that won’t happen.”
“Though I’m sure that could be arranged, no.” His chuckle sent a violent thrill through her. Then he said, almost sheepishly, “I’m waiting for a votai.” At her puzzled expression he clarified, “A marriage bond.”
Sure that was a joke, she stifled a laugh until she caught the serious set of his mouth and choked it back. “You, uhm, you want a marriage bond?”
He blinked inquisitively at her. “Don’t look so surprised.”
Her stomach sank and she didn’t know why. “I thought you said you didn’t care for bonds. That they make people weak.”
“I did.” His fingertips traced the edge of her jaw. “But I find I’m breaking all my rules these days. And if I’m honest, if I do take that oath with someone, let them have me fully and I them, I want to be undeniably and irrevocably devoted to them in every way.”
So obviously not her. The thought burrowed into her brain.
But no future existed for them for so many reasons. And besides, she didn’t want that. This could only be a single night of release. Nothing more.
She closed her eyes and tried to swallow the disappointment lodged in her throat, but jealousy rioted in her chest and nearly sent her over the edge at the thought of him smiling at someone else. Calling them angel. Holding them the way he held her. Teasing and kissing them. Making love to them—
Emmery buried those thoughts. Buried it all in a grave plot and left it to stay dead. Because Dez deserved that. He deserved to be with someone that loved him and gave him what he needed.
And that someone wasn’t her.
“This was only for tonight anyway,” she said a little hoarsely.
The corner of his mouth pulled up into a fiendish smirk. “We’ll see.”
“Arrogance isn’t becoming, Dez.”
“If you say so. It seems to have worked on you.” He kissed her then, but not like before. Long and slow and languid, this kiss melted her. Her arms wound around his neck, drew him closer, and she wasn’t sure why, but tears welled and spilled down her cheeks and she couldn’t stop them.
He held her face and murmured, “It’s okay to cry. You’re allowed. But don’t lie and tell me you’re alright when you’re not. And I’ll do the same.” He pulled back and whispered, “Deal?”
Her bottom lip wobbled as he wiped away her tears the way she wished he would the night he’d given her his crystal, like he’d only now given himself permission to do so.
And maybe it was that empty chasm finally unhinging and yawning open for someone else to see, the loss of her memories, Shade, the dismal looming future, her brush with death, among other things, but she spilled the truth that’d festered inside her all this time.
“I—I want you…” Her breath caught on a sob, but she continued, “I wish you could fix me, Dez.”
He froze, her face still cupped in his hands. “Is that what tonight was?”
She shrugged and rubbed her eyes as shame prickled her skin.
“Oh, Em. Come here.” He pulled her to his chest and held her as her body shook with each sob.
His familiar smell did something to her.
Shattered something inside her and stuffed some need she’d been denying in its place.
Because it was the so-called monster, the murderer, the cruel king, who had shown her the greatest and fullest kindness.
And gods, it was destroying her.
Maybe, like his thorns, her magic, her Shadowheart, had broken her down and remade her, too. Cracked her open and revealed the insidious reality of what existed inside. And now that it lay spread out, unable to pack it back into the case it came, she couldn’t unsee it.
But Dez said softly, “You don’t need me to fix you, Emmery. You’re not broken. In fact, you’re the one fixing me.”