66. Ruined
Ruined
Kiri
“You’ll regret putting your hands on me.”
Dad’s mouth twists. A laugh breaks out of me, deep and empty. “That’s one thing I have never regretted.”
His face changes, and we’re back there. I’m sixteen again, blood across my knuckles and Rithy curled on the floor behind me. Dad is still trying to stand because he can’t understand how the kid he spent years throwing around has finally become strong enough to put him down.
Blood rushes in my ears until the whole room disappears beneath it. Then fingers close around my arm.
“Kiri.”
Natalia’s voice reaches me from somewhere near my shoulder. One word. My name in her mouth sounds like music cutting through static.
“Kiri,” she says again, softer.
The kitchen comes back piece by piece. Ma is crying, begging me to let him go, her voice breaking between Khmer and English until I can’t separate either one.
Rithy is somewhere behind me, telling me Dad isn’t worth going to jail for, but all I can feel is Natalia’s hand. Her thumb moves once against my sleeve.
“Kiri. Look at me.”
I turn my head. Her eyes are wide but steady. There’s no fear of me in them. No disgust, only recognition. She knows I’m not entirely here anymore. I force my arm away from Dad’s chest. He sucks in a breath, and I give him one last shove before stepping back. His shoulder slams into the wall again.
Natalia catches my hand immediately. I lock my fingers around hers like it’s the only solid thing in the room. Ma breaks out of Rithy’s hold and rushes to Dad.
She reaches for his face. “James.”
He knocks her hand away. “I’m fine. Calm down, woman,”
She flinches, and every part of me surges forward again. Natalia’s grip tightens around mine. Dad straightens his shirt and looks at me with the same sneer he wore when I was a kid.
“He’s still as much of a pussy as he ever was.” He points at Ma. “You ruined these boys. Both of them.”
Her face collapses. I hate him more for that than anything else he’s ever said.
“Don’t come back,” he says, looking between us. “You’re not welcome here.”
Rithy is already lifting a middle finger as he heads for the door. I join him, Natalia’s hand still locked in the other.
“Enjoy the house, asshole,” I say.
The house we bought. The house he drinks inside while Ma keeps every surface polished enough to reflect the life she pretends they have.
We step outside, and the door shuts behind us. Cold night air hits my face and for a moment, none of us speaks. Rithy drags both hands through his hair and lets out a shaky breath.
“Nothing says 'Happy birthday Ma' like raging homophobia, and Kiri nearly catching a murder charge. All in all, a typical Chhim family event.”
The joke doesn’t hide the tremor beneath it. I pull him into me and he goes stiff before his arms lock around my back. We stand there gripping each other like we’re teenagers again, as if holding on tightly enough can keep either of us from being dragged back inside.
“You good?” I ask.
“No,” he says. “You?”
I scoff. “No.”
“Excellent.”
I squeeze him harder before letting go. His eyes are bright, but he looks away before I can say anything about it. Then he turns toward Natalia.
“If Kiri had taken another minute to piss, I would’ve had to explain why his girlfriend was standing over Dad’s body with a heel through his skull.”
Natalia folds her arms. “He called me a dumb blonde bitch.”
Rithy pulls her into a hug. “That’s exactly why I like you more than Kasia.”
She laughs against his shoulder. “Kasia would’ve killed him too.”
“Yeah, but she’d manage to make it dull. You make things theatrical.”
“I have high expectations for murder. If I’m going to jail it better be worth it.”
“See?” He releases her and gestures toward me. “Keep this one.”
“I was planning to.”
Natalia looks at me. The laughter fades from her face when she sees mine, and Rithy catches it too.
“I’ll call you later,” he says.
I nod.
He points at Natalia. “Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”
She glances toward the house. “Too late.”
“That’s fair.”
Rithy gets into his car. We wait until his headlights disappear before climbing into mine.
The drive home is silent. We're both emptied out. I keep one hand on the steering wheel and the other on Natalia’s thigh.
She covers it with hers, threading our fingers together.
A tremor runs through my hand. I try to stop it, but she notices anyway.
Her thumb passes slowly over my knuckles, warming the birds inked across them.
When we reach my apartment, exhaustion has settled into my bones.
We undress in the same silence. There’s no teasing when she unbuttons my shirt, no grin when I slide her dress from her shoulders.
Our clothes fall in a quiet trail toward the bathroom.
She turns on the shower, and we step beneath the water together.
Usually, showering with Natalia lasts about thirty seconds before one of us forgets the original purpose.
Tonight, we wash each other almost mechanically.
Her palms pass over my shoulders. Mine move down her back.
She tilts her head while I rinse shampoo from her hair, eyes closed beneath the water.
There’s intimacy in it, but the hunger is suppressed under the dull shock of it all.
We dry off and climb into bed naked, curling toward each other beneath the sheets.
Natalia rests her head on my chest while I stare at the ceiling.
Her hand glides over my stomach in gentle, soothing passes.
The apartment feels so quiet after the television, the shouting and the bottle shattering across the floor.
I open my mouth twice before anything comes out.
“Do you want out?”
Her hand stops. “What?”
“Do you want out of this?”
She lifts her head, but I keep staring upward.
“Because I wouldn’t fucking blame you.”
Natalia pushes herself upright. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“This. My family. Him. Me. All of it.”
She swings one leg over me and settles across my hips, pressing both hands firmly into my chest. “Kiri Chhim, why are you saying something so stupid?”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. Of course I don’t want out.”
My hands find her thighs, kneading them out of nerves versus desire for once. “It’s a fucking mess, Nat. No one should have to stick around for it. If I could trade in my own family, I would.” The corner of my mouth twitches. “Even Rithy sometimes.”
She doesn’t let me hide behind the joke. Her hands slide up and take my face between them.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“You saw what he’s like, heard what he said. You saw how Ma always defends his ass.”
“Please.” Her thumbs sweep over my cheeks. “It takes more than one decaying bully with a drinking problem to scare a Polish internet empress.”
“Empress, huh?”
“It’s better than dumb blonde bitch.”
The words make me wince, and her expression softens.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“For what?”
“That you had to see that. Hear that. All the bullshit.”
“I’m sorry you had to live through that bullshit for years.” She leans closer. “Why are you apologizing to me?”
“Because you deserve better. Than this.” My hand lifts to her jaw, cupping her face, and she leans into my touch. Something swells inside me, aching with a tenderness I don’t know what to do with. I know what it is. There’s no point pretending I don’t. So why can’t I fucking say it? “Than me.”
Her eyes narrow, but before she can argue, the truth comes out.
“Because I love you.”
The room goes completely still. Her lips part, and all I can hear is my own breathing.
I’ve imagined saying it a hundred different ways.
Somewhere beautiful or private. After a perfect night when I could make the words sound worthy of her.
Instead, I say it while she’s sitting naked on top of me after watching me nearly put my father through a wall. Maybe that’s more honest.
“I love you,” I say again. “And I’d tear my fucking world apart before I'd ever let someone speak to you like that again."
Natalia stares at me. At first, I think I’ve broken something. Then she kisses me.
Hard.
My hand slides into her hair as her mouth opens over mine.
The stillness that followed us home catches fire so quickly it almost hurts, the way it burns from inside and spreads through every vein.
She moves against me, and a broken sound catches in my throat.
Almost a whimper as her nails drag down the side of my neck and over my chest. Every nerve in my body wakes up at once.
I pull her closer, needing more of her weight, more of her mouth, more proof that she’s still here after seeing everything I wanted to keep hidden.
When we finally break apart, both of us are breathing hard. Her lips hover over mine.
“Kiri.”
The way she says my name now is different. She isn’t trying to bring me back.
She’s claiming me.
Her hips press again, and whatever control I have left starts ripping apart. Her breath catches against my mouth.
“I love you too.”
All I can do is stare at her. All the fear that’s been sitting inside me for months; the years between us, Rafe, Kasia, the band, my father, every ugly thing I came from, finally loses its grip.
There’s no barrier left. No reason to hold back.
I roll her beneath me and settle between her thighs in one fluid motion before I drag myself slowly through the heat between her legs, once, then again, and we both get caught in the movement.
Her hips lift after me on instinct, chasing the pressure, and the sound she makes nearly strips me of all my willpower.
“Fuck,” I breathe, feeling just how wet she already is for me.
Her eyes find mine, dark and wanting, and I hold them as I finally press into her. I watch every flicker cross her face as I sink deeper, the teasing giving way to something fuller, until there’s nowhere left to go.
The gasp that leaves us both with the next thrust feels like the first breath of a new life we’re finally taking for ourselves.