39. （LONG）ing
JAE
39
By the time I got home, it was late. Every day at the office seemed like a never-ending cycle of fires to put out, and I was struggling to balance it all. Auntie’s deteriorating health was a constant worry, and the need to support Verena was pulling me in another direction entirely.
Auntie’s condition was a relentless shadow over everything. Her health was deteriorating faster than we had anticipated, and every visit was a stark reminder of the limited time we had left. The wedding had become a beacon of hope, something for her to look forward to, a reason to keep fighting. Every detail was planned with her in mind, to bring her a bit of happiness in these dark times.
When I headed to the bedroom, I found Verena lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. She seemed lost in thought, her expression troubled.
“Hey,” I said softly, approaching the bed. “What’s wrong?”
She quickly composed herself, clearing her throat. “Nothing,” she said, but the forced smile didn’t reach her eyes.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, sensing the tension in the room. “Sorry I’m home late. I stopped by to see Auntie after work.”
Her expression softened slightly, and she turned to face me. “How is she?”
I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “She had a bad day today. But she’s so happy about the wedding. She keeps talking about how much it means to her.”
Verena’s eyes flickered with a mix of emotions, but she forced another smile. “That’s good. I’m glad it’s making her happy.”
I continued, feeling a need to share. “She loves talking about the plans. She lights up every time we discuss the flowers, the cake, everything. It’s like, for a moment, she’s not sick.”
Verena nodded, but I noticed her gaze was distant, and her hands were clenched into fists on the blanket. “It’s good she has something to look forward to,” she said, her voice strained.
I moved beside her then reached out to take her hand, feeling the tension in her grip. Her fingers were cold, her knuckles white as she clung to me. “Are you okay?”
She hesitated, then nodded, her eyes not quite meeting mine. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.”
I squeezed her hand gently, trying to offer some comfort. “I know this is a lot. We’re both juggling so much right now.” I looked down at where our fingers were threaded together, the contrast between her delicate hand and my larger one stark. “Auntie asked why you don’t wear your ring.”
She sighed, looking down at her hands. “The one you got doesn’t fit. I’ll get it resized.”
I felt like I’d been punched in the gut, the realization hitting me hard. “I didn’t even ask if you liked it.”
She hesitated before answering, her voice soft. “It’s…nice.”
“Nice?” I echoed, feeling a mix of disappointment and guilt settle in my chest.
She shrugged, giving me a sheepish smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “It’s not what I ever would have imagined for myself, but none of this really is.”
I could see the weariness in her eyes, the way she was struggling to keep everything together. The ring, a symbol of our rushed engagement, was just one more thing that wasn’t quite right.
“Verena,” I said softly, my voice thick with emotion. “I’m sorry. Auntie picked it out because she thought it was perfect. I should have made sure it was what you wanted.”
She squeezed my hand back, her grip tightening for a moment before she let go. “If Auntie likes it, then it’s fine.”
Her words were meant to reassure me, but they only made me feel worse. Verena was always putting others first, even when she was struggling. The situation was taking its toll on her, and I could see it in every line of her face.
“We’ll get it resized,” I said, trying to find a solution. “Or we can get a new one. Something you’ll love.”
She nodded, a small, grateful smile playing on her lips. “After the wedding, we can focus on that.”
I nodded, feeling a twinge of regret that it had come to this. “Yeah, after the wedding. Are you okay?”
She nodded, but the movement was hesitant. “Maybe tomorrow we can go on a date? Just the two of us?” Her voice held a note of hope, but also an undercurrent of desperation.
Guilt stabbed at me. “I’d love to, but I have a meeting with the board. Mina just called to tell me.”
Verena’s smile faltered, her eyes dropping to our intertwined hands. “Of course, I understand.” She took a deep breath and tried to lighten the mood. “How about the night before the rehearsal dinner?”
“Let me check my schedule,” I said, pulling out my phone. I frowned as I saw the messages from some of the guys at work. “It looks like the guys planned a bachelor party for that night.”
“Oh,” she said quietly.
“Are you going to have a bachelorette party?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going, desperate to erase the shadow in her eyes.
“Probably not,” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. “I might do something with Auntie and Mom, though.”
I nodded, still feeling the tension between us, trying to find the right words. Maybe talking about the wedding would help her feel more assured in me. “I need to check on the marriage license and the prenup. We really don’t have a lot of time.”
“That won’t really be necessary, will it?” Her words made me blink twice, caught off guard.
I paused, processing her words. “I guess not,” I said, assuming she meant the prenup. I trusted Verena implicitly, and a prenup seemed unnecessary.
But then she added, “We don’t need a marriage license yet. I mean, let’s see if this lasts first.”
“What?” I asked, my voice barely more than a whisper.
Verena’s expression was serious but tinged with sadness. “Look, I get that you like me. Or you think you do. And I don’t regret that we slept together, but up until a couple of days ago, work was your priority. I still think it is. All of this is going on with Auntie, and I know you want to give her the world right now.” She paused, her eyes searching mine, trying to make me understand. “If you’re suggesting a prenup, it means you’re planning for what comes after. I know you want me to be happy, but I can’t help feeling that this is all for Auntie. You’re doing this for her, not because it’s what you truly want.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but she shook her head.
“Jae, I want this to work too. But I’m not going to put pressure on you or have any expectations. We need to figure out if this is real, if we’re doing this for us. If once the pain wears off, you’ll still want me…”
I felt like the ground had been pulled out from under me. “Verena, I?—”
“I support you because I’ve always supported you. I’ll help you with my whole heart, but I can’t expect forever from you. Not when it feels like you’re just doing this for her. Because when the dust settles, you’ll still be Jae Lee, billionaire workaholic, and I’ll still be the girl that no longer works for you.”
“Is this because I couldn’t go on a date?” I asked.
“Are you listening to me?” she snapped. “It’s not just that.”
She hesitated for a moment before continuing, “Can you honestly say you’d be marrying me if Auntie wasn’t sick? Would you have declared everything? Kissed me if she hadn’t been sick? Or would you have let me quit and leave?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but the words caught in my throat. Had Auntie’s illness pushed me to act on feelings I had buried for years? Had I been using her situation as an excuse to finally express what I’d felt all along?
“I don’t know,” I admitted, my voice barely more than a whisper. “I don’t know if I would have had the courage to tell you how I feel if things were different. But what I do know is that I care about you, Verena. I’ve cared for a long time, and Auntie’s illness just made me realize how precious time is. Regardless of Auntie, I wasn’t going to let you quit. I had my team of lawyers comb through your fucking contract.”
“You would have kept me as an employee, sure,” Verena said, her voice low but steady. “But would we have gotten to this point?”
I hesitated, searching for the right words. “I don’t know. It’s hypothetical.”
She crossed her arms, her eyes piercing into mine. “Answer me.”
I clenched my jaw. “Probably not. It wasn’t even…a possibility I considered. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”
“Jae, let’s hold off on the marriage license.”
Those words made me sick. It was unacceptable.
“What can I do to prove that I’m in this?” I asked, desperation creeping into my voice.
“Time,” she replied, her eyes softening. “Time will show us if this is real. When we don’t have a job forcing us together or Auntie’s situation or anything else. Will you still want me here? That’s what I need to know. Will you still make the effort to see me? To be there for me? To stand beside me.”
She took a deep breath, her voice trembling slightly. “Do you genuinely want to be there for me, Jae? Because right now, we have all these things forcing us together, and I don’t have a ring that fits, a wedding I’m involved in planning, or even a date night to process this.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but she held up a hand, silencing me. “And yes, you should absolutely focus on Auntie right now. I am not the priority. I don’t want to be the priority. We have chemistry and love between us, but marriage is so much more than that. And you have so much more on your plate.”
She paused, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I’m not saying we have to figure this out right now, but I’m saying…please give me the chance to fall in love with you on my own terms once the dust settles.”
“Verena, I want this. I want us. And I’ll give you all the time you need. We’ll take it slow, one step at a time. And I can prove it to you. How about a coed bachelorette party?” Fixing this was what was best for her. For me. For everyone.
“Coed?”
“Let’s do something together. And we have the rehearsal dinner too,” I said, my voice filled with determination. I was a fixer. I could do it all. “I need to prove to you how important you are to me. I know I’ve prioritized work, but I don’t want you to be just another part of my schedule anymore. I don’t want you to feel like someone who has to call me Mr. Lee or wait up late for me to fit you into the corners of my day.”
“Jae,” she sighed. “I feel like an asshole for bringing this up when you already have so much?—”
“Don’t. You’re important to me. Your happiness is important to Auntie, too.”
Her face fell. Apparently, focusing on Auntie wasn’t the way to go about this.
“Coed bachelorette party. It’ll be fun. We can invite everyone,” I rushed out.
“Sure,” she replied. “Auntie would love that.” She yawned.
I nodded, feeling the growing distance between us like a physical barrier. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
She forced another smile, but it was brittle, like it might shatter at any moment. “I’m just tired. I think I’ll go to sleep.”
Verena turned away from me, pulling the covers up to her chin. She looked so delicate. So perfect. I had to do better. “Verena,” I called softly, but she didn’t respond, her breathing evening out as if she’d fallen asleep. I watched her for a moment longer. The engagement ring had been a mistake, a glaring symbol of everything we were doing wrong.
I reached out and brushed a stray lock of hair from her face, my heart throbbing. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, though I knew she couldn’t hear me.
As I lay down beside her, I couldn’t shake the feeling that things were slipping through my fingers. Verena was troubled, and I was too wrapped up in my responsibilities to give her the attention she needed. And with Auntie’s health declining, the pressure to make everything perfect was overwhelming.
Tomorrow, I promised myself. Tomorrow, I’d make it right.