Chapter 28 #2
For the briefest moment, I pull away from Mama, slipping my fingers from her grasp. Her words feel too perfect, too good to be true. I wonder when the drone will appear, alerting me to the fact that, once more, this is all for show. That she’s lying.
A chill runs the length of my exposed arms, and I hug myself tight, keeping myself from falling apart like I’ve grown accustomed to.
But in the next moment, Mama’s off the couch and kneeling next to me.
Hugging me. Her arms are a blanket, comforting me from the outside in, just as they used to do when life got too dark.
Tears fall from my eyes.
“Missy, I came here to tell you one thing: even though I’m full of mistakes, and I’ve made so many wrong choices, I never wanted to let you go.”
My tears turn into sobs as I hear the words I’ve longed for since I was fourteen.
“Mama. I didn’t want to leave you.” My voice catches.
“It hurt. It hurt so badly.” The words I’ve kept buried for years are finally out of my mind, and it feels like my chest is ripping open and healing in the same moment.
“I love you, Missy Girl. I love you, always.” Mama cradles me in her arms. This time, I’m not the one keeping myself together. This time, it’s Mama. My mama—come back for me.
Tears stream down both our cheeks, seeming to drown my doubts and cleansing a wound that’s been open for far too long.
Soon enough, I crumple into her lap, and her arm drapes over me.
We hold onto one another. All we can say to each other is, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” until the crevices of my broken heart fill with something warm and promising.
By the time our tears subside, and my back aches from our long-held position, I bring myself upright and find Mama’s black mascara smudged across her cheeks like she’s a football player ready for game day.
A watery chuckle escapes her lips as I run a hand across her cheek, and she does the same to me.
“Well, we look like two debutants ready for the season, don’t we?” she says.
I laugh a little too hard, and the feeling is as bright as a rainbow after a thunderstorm.
A light ding sounds from my backpack. It takes me a moment to realize that it’s the phone alarm I set, reminding me to head to The Red Curtain. I crawl to my backpack and silence my alarm.
“Do you need to go somewhere? I’m sorry to take up your time,” Mama says, looking as self-conscious as ever.
“No, Mama. You can stay here as long as you like. I just need to head over to The Red Curtain soon, but I would love it if you stayed.”
She smiles with a hopeful light in her eyes. “I’m so proud of you and your goals, Missy. Something to Glow About is going to be a wonderful success. How can it not be when those kids will have you as their mentor and friend?”
I blink several times, still amazed that Mama is here, that she loves me, that she believes in me. “Thanks, Mama. I can’t believe it’s becoming a reality. Let’s just hope that people will come.”
“They will. It was apparent from the airport that you have a whole community of friends and family willing to support you.”
Like a cat stroked against the grain, I bristle at the word family, remembering the many Christmases and pageants and school events I’d wished for my mama to be there for, but she wasn’t.
I feel my walls go up, hyperalert. The walls that have kept me strong, fortified, and independent through the years.
They are an indomitable shield against people and situations that could break me in two.
Like my mama and Colton. Every time I lower my walls, I’m reminded of why I put them up to begin with.
In the end, the only thing I can trust to be there for me is me. Why is this situation any different?
Quickly, I stand up and brush off my pants. I suddenly have half a mind to lead Mama to the front door and shut her out. And Colton. And the pain. I don’t need them. All I need is me.
But when I look into Mama’s eyes, a warmth eases over me like a heater combating the fierce cold of a Colorado blizzard.
In one single moment, I remember that I am broken, I am loved, I am hurting, and I am wanted.
The thoughts war within me, and I’m unsure of what to do next.
But like a wisp of summer breeze, I hear Maria’s voice inside my head.
“And why are we throwing away a perfectly good thing?”
I exhale, letting the words seep into me.
Why? Why? Why, Missy, would you throw this reconnection and love away?
I breathe out my anxiety with every exhausted breath, because I’m tired.
I am so tired of constantly keeping my walls raised.
And it’s at this moment that I realize that by keeping out the pain, I’m keeping myself from fully embracing all that’s good, including the beauty from the pain.
A beauty I feel just from looking at Mama.
“Missy, are you okay?” Mama stands, looking at me with motherly concern in her eyes. And oh, does her concern feel like a salve to my healing wounds. Just when I thought my well had run dry, another tear leaks from my eye as Mama’s arms surround me.
“Yeah. I think I’ll be just fine.” I squeeze her closer, and she does the same. A layer of belonging wraps around me, so comforting that I don’t want to leave.
“I think we have company,” Mama says, pulling just far enough away from me to bring my attention to the living room entryway where Paige stands with a sheepish smile and Ji carries a platter of caprese sandwiches surrounded by a wreath of assorted fruits.
I have no doubt they heard the better part of my conversation with Mama.
It’s not exactly hard to do in this century-old, paper-thin house.
Their soft smiles and empathetic eyes only add to the peaceful feeling inside me. No, I am not in this alone.
“Come on in,” I call, breaking apart from Mama.
Paige walks in and collapses on the old blue couch opposite the one Mama had previously occupied. She fans herself with her trusty leaf while Ji places the brunch tray on the coffee table before joining Paige. Mama and I sit on the couch across from them.
There’s a moment of silence before Mama pipes in. “I do believe I’ve interrupted your time to chat about Sunsets and Sabotage. I think we’d all love to know how it really was, Missy.”
Paige’s eyes light up with puppylike glee, and she scoots to the edge of her couch cushion.
“Some clarification on a few things would be nice,” Ji says.
“Clarification?” I quirk a brow.
“Yes.” Paige digs her phone out from her back pocket. “More specifically …” She scrolls her thumb down her phone. “What in the world is this?”
Paige shoves her phone into my hand, giving me and Mama a perfect view of a random social media post that makes my cheeks feel like I’m face-to-face with a fire-breathing dragon.
On her screen, Colton and I are locked in an embrace as we kiss on the beach.
And then there’s that hashtag again. #MoltonForever.
“Oh, goodness gracious.” As if I were kissing Colton for the first time, my stomach tries its hand at magic, and I feel like I’m levitating.
Paige gasps, bewildered. “It’s real.”
“I knew it.” Ji gives Paige a meaningful look.
“I can’t believe it!” Paige says.
“Look at her. She’s smitten.” Ji throws a hand out to me as if gesturing to a window display at Saks Fifth Avenue.
“Look at him.” Mama points to the screen. “He’s like an octopus—his arms are so tightly wound around you, it’s hard to tell where he starts and you end.”
“Mama!” I chide.
Paige, Ji, and I start laughing, which makes Mama laugh in return. The feverish burn across my skin dissipates with the sudden endorphin burst, but all too soon, the lighthearted moment is usurped by the memory of Colton’s words during our closing interview.
Without warning, the shock and pain of that moment hit me so hard, I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me.
My mind goes drama queen, and suddenly I picture myself draped in black, standing in front of a gravestone, the rain clouds threatening to unleash as I bid farewell.
In front of me, I read the epitaph “Here lies the remains of #MoltonForever. The couple that was only a couple to one of them.”
A careful mask slides over my face as the laughter dies down, and all eyes are on me, waiting for an explanation.
“We’re not like that. It was all for show.” I try my best to smile.
“Like heck it was!” Mama says, making Paige giggle.
I look at Mama, shaking my head. “You must not have seen our closing interview.”
“Oh, I did,” she says with all her Southern conviction.
“Then you know it was all strategy. Colton said as much.”
“Oh, honey, you’d have to be blinder than a bag of bats to believe that. The boy’s fallen for you,” Mama says.
I bury my face in my palms and groan. “I just can’t trust anything he says. One moment, he’s saying one thing, and the next, he’s saying the complete opposite.”
Mama’s hand reaches for my arm, pulling my gaze toward her.
“Take it from someone who’s done it all wrong for so many years.
Maybe he just needs to explain himself. I know it’s tempting, but try not to count him out until you’ve heard his truth from his lips.
If you felt something between you, trust that. ”
“And if I’m wrong? If that feeling is wrong?” I say, anxiety pooling within me.
“Then at least you know.” Paige smiles softly, reminding me of her and Jordan. They were perfect together, and yet, if Paige had never asked for the truth from Jordan, maybe things would have turned out differently for them.
I think of Colton, his arms surrounding me, strong and sure. I remember how he protected me from the cameras, the almost kiss when we’d snuck away, his confidence in my dreams, and the way he’s always been there for me, whether we “hated” each other or not. No, those moments had to be real.
“Maybe. Maybe I should …” I take a moment to swallow my doubts. All the while, I feel nervous about the action that must accompany my next words. “I should go talk to him.”
All at once, Ji, Paige, and Mama nod in agreement, and I find myself smiling despite my fears.
Just then, another alarm sounds, making us all jump at once, and yet again, we’re all laughing.
Ji walks over and grabs my phone off my nearly empty backpack and silences the alarm.
“Okay, but maybe you should go get The Red Curtain first before it’s too late,” Ji says, tossing me my phone.
“Right.” I nod. “Building first, then Colton.”