Chapter 17 #2
“I wanted to apologize,” he began.
“Whatever for?” she asked, surprised.
“I have made many mistakes,” he said sheepishly.
“But the ones I regret most are the ones I made toward you.
Years ago, when we courted, I did it entirely wrong.
I was arrogant. I tried to push you away from your friends, and toward my own.
There was also the time I told you that you could not wear blue to an event as it would clash with the dress the hostess would wear.
I wanted us to look like the perfect couple, but I did not listen to how you wished to be treated. In the years since, I have not spoken as well as I should have about you when among certain company. But seeing you again,” his voice trailed off, and he looked at her longingly, his cheeks flushed.
“I realized that I have been a fool. No. Worse than a fool. I have been the very type of man that you despise, and I do not believe that I could live with myself if I did not admit that. I am learning to be better with my cohorts. But that should not be the end of it. I need to be better with you as well.”
She listened carefully, taking in his words.
“Thank you for your apology,” she said softly. “I must admit that when we courted, I found you to be… the type of man with an agenda. Someone who was willing to change me in order to appear more desireable to the ton.”
“I believe that is a fair asessment,” he said, nodding. “After you rejected me, I found that London and its society bored me. Perhaps that is why I had tried to change you. . It sounds terrible, but it was something to do.”
“That does sound terrible,” she agreed.
“But when I recognized that, I decided to come here. I wanted to manage my estates, make something meaningful.” Lord Casterleigh took a long breath.
“I wanted to ask if we might start anew. I am not the same man you knew. I may make mistakes; I am not a perfect man, but I am better, and I wish to continue to be better.”
Lavinia watched him and nodded slowly.
The words are right. I would have loved to receive this sort of apology before I was married. But it feels as if he has been rehearsing it.
She met his gaze. His eyes were warm, but she could not tell if it was real or performed.
You are being unkind, Lavinia. People can change. You have changed.
Even as she tried to remind herself of that, something prickled at the back of her neck. She could not name what exactly caused that feeling, but she chose to ignore it.
“Starting anew seems reasonable,” she said softly.
His eyes brightened, and he squeezed her hand.
“Thank you,” he whispered. “You have made me happier than you know.”
“You do not need to thank me,” she replied, shaking her head.
“I do. I have always neglected thanking you. You did so much for me while we were courting that I never recognized. I intend to do better than that.”
Lavinia nodded, looking down at their hands. She did not know how to feel about them being entwined like that again.
“There is something else I must speak to you about,” he added. “Something that is much less joyous than what I said.”
“What is it?” she asked.
“I have heard… whispers.”
“Whispers?” she asked, immediately tensing.
“Yes,” he said. “Terrible things about your wedding night with the late duke.”
Lavinia tensed, nausea rolling through her, her arm suddenly aching.
“I do not believe them, of course,” he said, looking into her eyes. “I know your character. I know you would never do something so vile. But I feel you should know that people talk. And I worry.”
“Worry?” she asked.
“Yes,” he nodded. “A woman, living alone, surrounded by scandal. Not only that, you are living in that house with Mr. Vale. Even if you have had other people there, scandal does not care for such things. It, unfortunately, invites speculation.”
She nodded slowly.
“You know I care little for the whispers of other people.”
“I know,” he said gently. “But it will still impact you, whether you care for it or not. There are ways to mitigate it. A secure marriage would silence them all.”
She tensed as he said that.
“I know.”
Lord Casterleigh smiled at her, a look of concern crossing his face, and squeezed her hand again.
“Your Grace,” he said softly. “No one would dare whisper about my wife.”
She pressed her lips together in a thin line.
He was not incorrect, of course. Lavinia was aware that the whispers had followed her. She knew that when she moved on from the duchy, the whispers could make her life much harder.
“May I call on you?” he asked softly. She looked at him and nodded slowly.
“You may,” she said.
He beamed again and bowed.
“I will see you soon, then,” he said warmly, before walking away.
Lavinia watched him move back into the crowd. Her heart ached in her chest. She knew he had spoken well, and many other women may have accepted his overtures on the spot. But her eyes were not searching for him in the crowd.
They were searching for the duke.
Soon, her eyes landed on him across the room, over the heads of the dancing couples and the flickers of a hundred candles.
Lord Casterleigh was offering her a fresh start, a name, a title, and a way to silence every whisper that had followed her since her wedding night.
It was, by every measure she had been raised to value, the sensible choice.
But the duke was still watching her.
He had not offered her a fresh start. He had offered her a word with no promises attached to it, no ring, no name, nothing she could point to as security. And yet, it was his voice she heard when she closed her eyes, not Lord Casterleigh's.
She broke their gaze first, her cheeks warm, before he could read on her face anything she was not yet ready to admit.
I am unsure if I want something sensible or not, but I wish to be able to make the choice for myself.