Chapter 27 From Hot Mess to High Voltage #2
“Yeah, well . . . maybe cut him some slack. When’s he leaving?”
“In two days. And we’re getting along, mostly, but it’s just weird. I’m so mad at him—and not only for trying to manage my love life. I feel like it’s all coming up, how he wasn’t there for me when I was younger, and even when he was, our time together was another item on his to-do list.”
Faith tried to jump in, but Bianca already knew what she was going to say. “Yeah, yeah, he was focused on making sure we had a comfortable life, but I wanted a dad.” Then it occurred to her. “Maybe that’s why I try so hard to be somebody. Because I want his attention. How have I not seen that?”
Crossing Piazza Maggiore, Bianca thrust her hands in the air. “It was right in front of my face!” She didn’t care that people were staring; she had every reason in the world to be animated right now.
“You do have his attention,” her mom was saying when Bianca put the phone back to her ear, “and you know he loves you.”
“Do I?”
A text came in from Corrado. I’m still holding you a table. Just let me know how many people. I need you there. Missing what her mom was saying, she stabbed out a quick reply. Mixed messages much?
A hint of anger appeared in her mother’s voice as she said, “You know, Bianca, sometimes you make things about yourself and forget about everyone else.”
“Oh, great, thanks. Please kick me while I’m down.”
“I’m going to tell you something, but you have to promise me you won’t let on that you know. It’s important, though. You have two days left with him, and I want you to make them count.”
Her heart skidded to a stop. A note of fear had sounded with her mother’s words.
Bianca stood hopeless in the middle of the square, waiting for Faith to continue.
Tourists gathered around their walking guides.
A busker was exchanging tunes for coins.
A juggler smoked a cigarette in between performances.
And the whole damned world was carrying on like everything was A-fucking-okay.
“Don’t tell me he’s sick. Jesus, Mom.”
“No, he’s not sick. Like cancer sick. But he’s depressed.”
“Well, holy shit, didn’t know that one. For God’s sakes, Mom, I am a therapist.”
“It’s worse. He’s been . . .”
A pause.
Bianca started to put it together, before her mom said more.
“He came close to killing himself.”
Dead quiet. A thousand people milling about the square, but Bianca was sucked into a vacuum of silence.
“He almost bought a gun, honey. But then settled on pills.”
The words knocked the wind out of her. She trudged toward the Basilica di San Petronio that dominated the square and sat on one of its stone steps.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Bianca asked.
“Um, because that’s not something you go around telling people. He didn’t want you to know.”
Bianca grew dizzy and had to prop herself up. “I can’t believe I’m only hearing this now. Mom, I freaking screamed at him. Told him I hated that he was a part of me.” Suddenly, she felt scared. “I have to go. I need to go find him.”
“Honey, you can’t tell him I told you.”
Bianca hung up and started running back. She’d not seen him yet today. She’d assumed he was sleeping in.
“I met with a financial adviser today,” Sandy said into the phone.
“Trying to figure out if I could potentially sell. I can discount everything, get some publishers to take back stock.” A flush of sadness came over her.
“I wish you were here, Jackie. It would be so much easier. I’m falling apart.
I wish you’d bust through these doors and give me a hug and tell me everything’s going to be okay.
Because it’s not okay, Jackie. None of it’s okay. ”
Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Goddammit, I don’t cry and here I am crying.”
After hanging up and removing all evidence of her breakdown, she descended the stairs into the bookstore. Moira was just coming in. She’d had yesterday off.
“So you get a day off, and now you’re coming in ten minutes late?”
“Sorry,” Moira whispered, removing her hideous black hat.
“Oh, God. I can’t handle it. Please. Tell me what’s wrong with you today. Because I need it to get worse. I want the sky to fall.”
Moira shook her head and crammed her purse behind the counter.
“Nervous about today’s turnout?” Sandy asked, showing a molecule of humanity.
Nothing.
“Hello?” Sandy knocked on the air between them. “Anyone home? Today’s the big day, right?”
“Yep.”
“I don’t like short responses from you. Go ahead, let it out, what’s your problem? Couldn’t touch the shitty week I’m having, but let’s hear it anyway.”
Apparently, Sandy hit a nerve because Moira whipped around with the fury of a demon.
“You know what my problem is?” she started.
“Well, one of the thousands. It’s that you don’t even try, and yet people are still attracted to you.
You do everything you can to chase people off, but somehow, everyone wants to break through your icy walls and be your friend and seek your advice.
And you appreciate no one. Me. George. Harold.
Who knows who else. Do you know how lucky you are to have people like that?
Especially considering how much of an epic bitch you can be. ”
Sandy smiled, but it wasn’t a happy one. “Look at you, Moira. Mousy Moira standing up for herself. How impressive.”
“Wipe that grin off your face. I’m not being funny.
” Moira, who wasn’t a mouse today, stepped forward, a big bold step directly toward her boss.
“Fuck you, Sandy. Fuck you for giving up on life. Fuck you for pushing all of us away. And a giant, triple fuck you for giving up on this bookstore, which is the best thing I have in my life.”
Sandy’s smile fell away.
Moira let out a gasp and headed out the door, slamming it shut so hard the bell came crashing down.
“You better get your ass back here,” Sandy called out. “You’re not going to leave me to deal with your stupid book club.”
But Moira was already gone.