Chapter Nineteen
In a Glance
She’d been an emotional mess driving home.
Take a tour of the estate, they said. It will be informative, they said.
Okay, Rachel could admit there was no ‘they’ in this scenario.
She’d done this all to herself. Her face flushed, thinking back on what she’d done.
She couldn’t believe she’d kissed Cal. One minute they were talking, the next he’d taken her hand, and then…
then she’d lost her ever-loving mind and kissed him.
He was a client. Well, not a client, but he was part of a project. And she couldn’t risk any unprofessional behavior. What if Seth found out? Or worse, Cal’s parents? You know… HER CLIENTS!
Rachel dropped onto the bed, clutching her head. If she were honest, it wasn’t just about the kiss. And wasn’t that saying something?
Her thoughts were a rapid fire, never-ending circle.
She felt raw and exposed from telling Cal about Jess and their parents.
Hearing Cal talk about his plans for White Hall made her want to come clean about taking the plan from his office.
But she couldn’t bring herself to do it, flooding her with remorse about her deceit.
She desperately desired to retreat but listening to his dreams and spending time with him only strengthened her attraction.
He was like a hot stove she knew she shouldn’t touch, but every cell of her being cried out to touch him, and repercussion be damned.
And then there was that kiss. That amazing, knee quaking, swoon worthy kiss. How something so fleeting could rearrange her brain matter completely was a mystery.
Springing up from the bed, she straightened her shoulders. She had to pull herself together. She'd been obsessing about this since Tuesday.
She had to see Cal tonight at the arcade wedding. She needed to be in control. She needed her head in the game.
Besides getting her mindset right, she needed her wardrobe to match. At first she’d reached for a colorful floral wrap dress she just bought, it wasn’t her usual style and it was much too… romantic for tonight.
She grabbed one of her usual tried-and-true tailored dresses that she wore to the office.
The navy blue was perfect for the evening event.
Not as fun or colorful as the wrap dress, but she had to keep her focus on work.
When she saw Cal, she would keep it professional.
Pretend the kiss never happened. Get things back to where they needed to be.
Stepping toward the mirror, she turned sideways to check her outfit.
The dress was a good compromise. Attractive but nothing too flirty or fun.
Fingering her hair, she wished there was something else she could do with it.
The length was beginning to annoy her. But tonight’s event was far too fancy for a ponytail.
It was either leave it down or throw it in a messy bun.
Trying both looks, she decided having her hair down went better with the outfit.
Happy with her look, she texted her sister she was leaving to pick her up. Once Jess was in the car, it was easy to keep her mind from spinning out with anxiety. She tried to focus on being present right there. Yes, it was a work function, but also an enjoyable night out with her sister.
“I can’t believe you asked if I could come with you,” Jess said.
“Well, you’ve helped Cal a lot lately. You deserve this.”
“Thanks for thinking of me,” Jess said quietly.
“Hey,” Rachel glanced over. “Absolutely. And I can’t thank you enough for answering all my questions about the hospitality industry. I really appreciate it. I have to finish this project perfectly.
“This means a lot to you, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” she sighed. “I’m not yet settled in my new role and working on the White Hall project is my way of proving myself to my boss.” She paused. “But also a little to myself.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed, trying to find the words to describe how she’d been feeling. “I’m not sure entirely.”
She focused out on the road, letting the forward motion soothe her weirdly. “Honestly Jess, I’m kinda feeling like a hot mess.” Shooting a quick glance to the side, she could see her sister’s startled expression.
“But it’s no big deal,” she added quickly, backpedaling from her overshare. “It’s fine. It’s just that I’m feeling a little off.”
“No,” Jess responded, twisting toward her. “No. Don’t do that. Don’t downplay it. Finish the original thought.”
Rachel swallowed and gripped the wheel tighter. “I’ve just been thinking about a lot. I mean, I’m questioning some things… The thing is...” Rachel trailed off. This was really hard.
But isn’t this what she said she wanted? She longed for a closer relationship with Jess. How do you do that if you don’t let the wall down and let people in?
Rachel sighed. “I’ve been looking at my life and feeling like I ought to make some changes.”
“Well, that sounds very positive,” Jess replied slowly.
“Yeah, but it kinda sucks,” she countered, making Jess laugh.
“How so? And not that I disagree with you. Change can suck. But how so?”
“It just seems like the universe is sending me messages that I should be more open. That I can’t play it safe all the time. I… I tend to protect myself, and I think that’s perhaps keeping me from living the life that I want.”
Rachel shook her head. How to make sense of emotional chaos?
“I don’t know. I’ve been considering my choices and what I want from my life.
And that’s kind of thrown everything into disarray,” she blurted, her words coming faster and faster.
“Which makes me feel unsettled. And messy. And out of control. And I hate that.”
Jess paused before replying. “I think I understand what you’re saying. But give me one example. What’s one thing that’s got you feeling a bit crazed at the moment?”
Rachel cycled through everything in her mind. No way did she feel like talking about Cal and the kiss. No way. No how.
She didn’t want to talk about how Matt’s parting words were living rent free in her head, either. She was feeling a little too raw for that. But work. She could talk about work.
“Okay,” she said finally. “My job. With my old position, I was good at it, but it was…”
“Safe,” Jess offered.
“Yeah,” she agreed, surprised her sister had also seen that. “It was safe. Not in a bad way, just that I was comfortable.”
“I totally get that,” Jess replied.
“But I felt pulled to work directly with clients. So, I moved to client services. The new position is challenging, and I like it mostly, but it has me feeling unsure.
“My boss Seth has only given me minor projects, and I haven’t been able to do much. It’s frustrating. Then Seth came right out and told me he doesn’t really know me and isn’t comfortable giving me a larger assignment.
“Nailing this project will allow me to demonstrate what I can do to Seth. But that means I have to really step up. I have to share my thoughts and opinions. And that’s scary. But that’s the only way to show Seth who I am and what I’m capable of.
“In the process, I also want to prove to myself that transferring to client services was the right decision. That I am capable of doing this job and that I’m good at it.”
“Your boss was pretty upfront, huh?”
“Yeah. Not gonna lie. It stung a bit.”
“I can see that. I don’t know if you know this, Rachel, but you can be a bit of a control freak. And I say that with love,” Jess emphasized. “So it sounds perfectly normal to feel like somewhat of a mess.”
Rachel quickly glared at her sister before focusing back on the road.
“I know. I know,” Jess placated. “Not helpful. Well, a little helpful to know it seems like a normal response. I think the bigger thing here that you should remember and focus on is that you’re doing extensive work.
Looking at your life and seeing where it’s necessary to make changes so that you can create the life you want? That’s big stuff, Rachel.”
Rachel’s shoulders dropped, and she sighed.
“And I’m so freakin’ proud of you,” Jess continued.
“You’re going to do great. I know it. Just keep plugging away—with work, with all the things you’re examining in your life.
Don’t let feeling messy stop you. Baby steps forward when and where you can.
You aren’t obligated to tackle them all in the same moment. ”
Rachel let her sister’s words wash over her. Just talking about the situation made her feel lighter. Having her sister respond so thoughtfully was everything she wanted.
“Good point,” she replied, giving Jess’ hand a quick squeeze. “Thanks Jess. Really. I appreciate the support.”
“Anytime, Rach. And when you need to vent or if everything becomes overwhelming, just call me.”
“Count on it,” Rachel replied. Jess was right. Dwelling on everything was too much. She had to focus on what was immediately before her and make changes when and where she could.
And although she enjoyed the kiss with Cal, it was totally a sign she was not focusing on where she should be. Her job was already complicated enough, she couldn’t afford to entangle it further with a romantic relationship.
She had muddied the waters with Cal, and that just couldn’t happen. All the more reason to push forward and forget it. Not the most mature approach, but it was all she could manage right now.
Arriving at the property, they took a few moments to park and made their way slowly to the door.
“This is stunning,” Jess said, glancing around.
“Isn’t it?” Rachel replied. “Those hydrangeas there? Cal’s grandmother’s favorites, so Cal makes sure they’re always well-tended. Past the house, if you follow that stone path, that’s where the Chapel is. And around the back, there’s a beautiful garden and an amazing ocean view.”