Chapter Twenty-Three #2
She had believed in his vision. She’d believed in him. But now—with Jess on the line—all she saw was betrayal.
Her voice dropped, bitter. “I feel like an idiot. Falling for the charm, for the passion. Thinking it meant something.”
She shook her head, a hollow laugh slipping out. “This whole time, it was just about saving the estate, wasn’t it? And I walked right into it. Served up my sister like some kind of saving grace.”
She looked him dead in the eyes. “I should’ve known. Sooner or later, it was always going to come down to this.”
Cal’s face was unreadable now—jaw tight, eyes dark.
Rachel didn’t wait for a response. She couldn’t.
Her breath caught in her throat, nausea coiling in her stomach. She turned and walked out, fast, like if she didn’t leave now, the world might collapse around her.
Her thoughts blurred, her chest tight. It was too much.
She needed air. Distance. Silence.
She just needed to go.
She was headed to the driveway when she heard footsteps behind her on the gravel. Whirling around, she got ready to carve Cal up into tiny pieces, only to see her sister there.
“Oh Jess,” Rachel sighed. “I’m so sorry Cal did that to you. You were so nice to help him solve his issues before. And all he does is try to bully you into saving his ass.”
Jess tossed her head and looked at the ground before meeting Rachel’s eye. “Listen, I love you. You’re a wonderful sister, and while I love your instinct to protect me, I don’t need you to.”
Rachel stepped back, “What?” Of course, Jess needed her to protect her. Look at what happened when she’d failed to do that. Rachel couldn’t chance any situations getting out of control and potentially hurting her sister again. Jess was just finally returning to her. She wouldn’t risk her again.
“Jess,” she said slowly. “I’m trying to make sure you don’t get hurt. You’ve lost so much, and you’re only now rebuilding your life. I won’t allow someone to manipulate you into a potentially hurtful situation.”
Rachel was surprised her sister didn’t look pleased with that explanation. If anything, Jess looked even more upset.
Clasping her hands tightly together, Jess tried again. “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I don’t need you to protect me. I know why you think you have to, but I don’t want it.” Jess exhaled firmly.
“Yes. I made a mistake all those years ago. And yes, it cost me more than I ever want to think about. I’m sorry for the effect it had on you and our family.
I wish I could go back and make different choices.
But I can’t change the past. I can just learn to live with my decisions.
And most importantly, learn from them and move on.
“When I see you react like this,” Jess shook her head. “When I can see the guilt eating away at you, I feel responsible. And that makes me feel small, and I hate it.”
Rachel felt Jess’ words like a physical blow.
A fist to the stomach. An elbow to her jaw.
She had no idea her feelings and actions had that effect on the one person she desired to safeguard above all others.
Between the fight with Cal and this revelation, Rachel wasn’t sure she could keep her lunch down.
“You have nothing to feel guilty about,” Jess continued.
“It wasn’t your job to save me from Chris.
So please stop feeling guilty about that.
None of us saw him for who he really was.
Not in the beginning. There was no way you or I could have known what he truly was.
He hid the monster inside of him very well.
“But when you let yourself be controlled by that guilt, Rachel, like you just did,” Jess inhaled sharply, her eyes pleading. “It chains you down and makes you less than you could be. And it chains me too,” she finished quietly.
Rachel's breath left her as that verbal punch landed. It was as if there was now a gaping wound in her chest. A wound Rachel feared might never heal.
Obviously, Jess wasn’t done laying out some truths, because she continued.
Her voice was softer, but the intensity of her tone was just as sharp.
“And I see how you look at Cal, how attracted you are, and how happy you’ve been with him.
You think I don’t know it, but I do. Hell, we all do,” she added.
“And I hate that you won’t do a damn thing about it.
You’re so busy keeping him at arm’s length and anticipating trouble. ”
Rachel wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold on through the emotional tornado sweeping through her. The situation with Chris was one thing, but it had nothing to do with her feelings about Cal. “I don’t understand, Jess. You’re not making sense.”
Jess inhaled sharply, putting her hands on her hips.
“What happened with Chris, and Mom and Dad, since then…” Jess glanced away for a moment.
“When Mom and Dad passed there were so many things you took care of. You had to handle everything because I wasn’t there.
And then when I left Chris, you were the person who held me up.
You helped me put my life back together.
“When that all happened, it’s like you put on battle armor, or insulated yourself from everything,” she sighed, shaking her head.
“I’m not sure how to explain it.” she lifted her hands upward.
“We were in survival mode, and you carried all that responsibility and did all the heavy lifting. I can only imagine how hard it was for you. And I’m so sorry for all of it. ”
A harsh breath escaped her lips. “But we’re not in survival mode anymore.
And you’re still insulating yourself. While you’re better about letting a few friends get close, you still keep most people at arm’s length, a pattern I’ve observed repeatedly.
You don’t commit with your whole self. You’re looking for warning signs, a reason to leave.
“Are you afraid to put your trust in the wrong person? Are you afraid they’ll turn out to be a monster? Or is it that when you finally do give a part of yourself that they’ll leave?"
Rachel searched for words to say. She disagreed with so much of what Jess was saying, but a tiny voice inside said that maybe her sister was right. She knew she’d changed. How could she not?
But could Jess be right? Was she afraid to trust people after watching what had happened to her sister? Was she scared of letting people close because they would leave her like Jess? Like her parents?
She wanted to tell Jess she was wrong, but the words wouldn’t come. Her throat was too tight, and she felt like she couldn’t breathe.
Jess took a step forward, her eyes full of tears, “Rachel, it wasn’t your responsibility to rescue me from Chris. It wasn’t your responsibility. Shit happens and things go sideways.
“I worked really hard to move past what happened with him, and I wish you would do the same. That doesn’t mean we do stupid things or don’t watch out for ourselves. It means we’re smart but lead with an open heart.”
Rachel couldn’t even believe it was Jess standing there, telling her to be vulnerable. After all the pain and all the dark days, how her sister could even contemplate functioning like that left her speechless.
“I realize you never grieved for Mom and Dad because you were handling everything,” Jess said.
“And then you were helping me get my life back. I deeply regret I wasn’t there for you.
And while I’m sorry I added to that burden with my crap, I will be forever grateful for all your support escaping him and helping me find my own two feet again.
“Mom and Dad are gone.” Jess’s jaw tightened.
“They’re gone,” she repeated. “But I know they wouldn’t want you to live like this, Rach,” she implored.
“All closed off. They wouldn’t want you to be afraid to let people in.
You need to figure out how to forgive yourself and let go, because the weight of this is crushing you.
And keeping you from what may be the best relationship you’ve ever had. ”
Rachel wasn’t sure when her tears had started, but they fell unchecked. She was hurting her sister. Disappointing her parents. It was all jumbled up with the fresh wave of grief for the family they’d lost.
“Jess…” she started. What the hell could she say? She was overwhelmed and couldn’t for the life of her think of how to sort through all her emotions.
Jess took pity and stepped forward to hug her.
“I know,” her sister whispered as Rachel clung to her. “I know. It’s a lot. I love you, Rachel. Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.”
When Jess released her, her sister gave her a small smile. It was on the sad end, but it was something. Rachel appreciated the attempt.
“Why don’t I call you later and see how you’re doing?”
“I’d like that,” Rachel whispered before moving to her car. Right now, she needed distance and time. And someone to tell her how to put her heart back together.