Chapter Twenty-Five #2
Blowing out a breath, she continued with far less tone.
“I love helping people and supporting them, especially when they’re having a tough moment.
I can see so clearly what’s going on in their lives.
What they need to work on. The potential issues they’re struggling with.
But I just can’t get that perspective for myself.
“I know that while both Cal and Jess probably had fair points, I struggle with accepting them. I don’t know exactly what is happening with my own emotional state. And I hate it.”
“It’s really hard to have perspective about yourself,” Lottie said.
“Well, let me help you out with that,” Lisa added with a smile.
Rachel’s stomach flipped. Lisa was never cruel or thoughtless with her comments, but she could be blunt. But maybe that was precisely what she needed. Bracing herself, she toasted Lisa with her wine glass and said, “I’m ready. Or as ready as I’ll ever be. Whatcha got?”
“It’s not that bad. I promise.” Lisa laughed. “And it’s actually things you’ve already mentioned, so no big surprises.
“You’ve said that you view your life in two stages. Before Jess was involved with that monster and your parents were killed, and then after.”
“Well, that is true,” Rachel said. “That period in my life changed everything. It changed who I was and who I wanted to be. That was the long-term effect. Those months after the accident just seemed like an unrelenting nightmare.”
Lottie leaned over and put her hand atop Rachel’s, giving a squeeze. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. And alone no less.”
“Thanks Lottie,” she managed to say around the lump in her throat. Again, she did not do ugly, messy emotional situations. At least not for herself.
“Could Jess be right that losing your parents and seeing what your sister went through predisposed you to not trust people? To not want to get too attached for fear of them leaving and having to endure that messy emotional situation again?” Lisa asked.
Rachel felt her friend’s words land on a heart already struggling with hearing it from her sister. Even as she tried to process her feelings, Lisa continued.
“You’ve certainly been fighting your attraction to Cal. Looking for reasons you two shouldn’t be together. Now granted, there are some challenges, but no red flags. You would have found them, because you sure as hell have been looking for them.
“My impression is that you carry significant guilt about what happened with Jess. And she’s right, it’s vital that you really look at that and then let it go. It’s coloring your relationship with her and it’s carrying over to your relationship with Cal.”
Rachel’s breath froze as she thought over the past few weeks with Cal.
Lisa was right. She’d been waiting for the monster to show his true colors.
But he hadn’t, because Cal wasn’t her sister’s abusive ex.
He was a great guy, but a part of her had been secretly painting him with the same paintbrush.
And yes, she could now see how her actions with her sister were driven by the guilt she still carried. Everyone was right—that wasn’t her burden to carry. It wouldn’t be easy to put that weight down, but damn if she wasn’t going to start trying to do that right now.
Looking at both her friends, she said, “You’re right. You and my sister. But more so than that. I think…”
She broke off as she searched for the right words.
Looking down at her outfit, she brushed some lint off of her sleeve.
Now that the door had been kicked open, her mind was racing as she observed her life with fresh eyes, questioning things she thought and believed.
She didn’t have all the answers, but she had a path that she could see now.
“I think I need to see myself differently.”
Lottie reared her head back in surprise. Whatever she had expected Rachel to say, it wasn’t that. “Why is that?” she asked.
“I think I’ve been telling myself a story about who I am, and I’m not sure if it’s true anymore, or if it ever was.” She paused, looking for the words to say what she felt. “These weeks working with Cal… they’ve felt different. I’ve felt different.
“Spending time with him has shown me just how much of my true self I’ve kept under wraps. I think Lisa and Jess are right that fear has played a sizeable portion in that.
“Somewhere along the way I told myself I needed to be a certain type of person. Look and act in a certain way and that would keep me… safe. Those are the walls I use to protect myself.
“And Cal… I feel like he sees me. The real me behind the person I’ve constructed and shown to the world. Working with him has certainly been challenging but he’s also helped me be more confident and more open. He’s made me feel safe and seen, and I’m not sure when was the last time I felt that way.
“Now, don’t get me wrong,” she shook her head. “That scares more than a roller coaster on a full stomach.”
“But...” Lisa prompted.
“But,” Rachel repeated. “I’m changing the story about who I am, and I want my outside to reflect that.”
Looking at the confused faces of her friends, her shoulders slumped, “Sorry. I sound insane. I’m not explaining this very well.”
Lisa held up a hand. “Hey, as long as it makes sense to you, that’s all that matters. Whatever you need we’re here for you.”
Lottie still looked uncertain. “Is this the part where you go get the guy? Cause I’m all in for that.”
Rachel laughed along with her friends but sobered quickly. “I wish, Lottie. But as much as I like Cal, there’s no going back. You saw the whole horrid thing. I yelled at him and accused him of being the worst human being. I can’t recover from that.”
“Pffft.” Lottie dismissed her with a wave of her hand, earning a smile from Rachel. “You both said some things you regret. That doesn’t mean it’s over. It just means you need a plan to get back in the game.”
“A plan?” Rachel hated the spark of hope that came alive. It meant she had to try, or she’d regret it later. It meant… “I need a plan,” she said firmly.
“Now we’re talking,” Lisa said rubbing her hands together.
“You’ll help me?” Rachel asked.
“Of course,” Lisa replied. Looking over at Lottie. “You in?”
“Absolutely!”
“Okay,” Rachel said her mood finally lifting. There were numerous things to consider, but she knew she had to try. “I haven’t a clue how to fix everything, but I think I know one thing. Well maybe a few things but the first thing I need is Jess’ help to pull off something.”
Lottie bounced in her seat, clapping her hands. “Oooohhh! Like a big gesture?! Tell me it’s an utterly romantic, heart-on-my-sleeve, romantic gesture!”
A smile tugged on Rachel’s lips as her heart lifted. Leave it to Lottie. “Yes,” she confirmed. “Let’s call it a grand gesture on my part. Let me shoot Jess a text and then, I need your help too if I’m going to pull off what I think I want to pull off by when I need to pull it off.”
“Pull off what you think you want to pull off by when to pull it off,” Lisa repeated slowly, scowling. “What are we pulling off?” Looking at Lottie, she asked, “Do you know what she’s talking about?”
“Not a clue,” Lottie replied excitedly. “But it doesn’t matter! We have a romance to plan,” she sang.
As Lisa and Lottie talked, Rachel sent her sister a quick text asking for a call later tonight.
It was time for them to talk. And not only about romantic gestures.
Rachel intended to share some of her new insights about herself and her behavior.
Hopefully if all went well, Jess would help her put a piece of the plan into place.
“That’s done.” She looked up. “Now, let’s talk about how I’m going to get myself out of this mess.”
Rachel explained what she wanted to do with Jess’ help, earning her shrieks of joy from Lottie. Even Lisa looked suitably impressed when Rachel detailed the reasons behind it.
“I still don’t see where you need our help, Rachel,” Lisa said. “I mean, other than moral support.”
“Don’t underestimate that moral support,” Rachel replied. “I’m going to need it. As I said, I think I need to see myself differently. And while we’ve been talking, I can’t stop thinking about that.”
Turning to Lottie, she asked, “I don’t suppose you have any killer dresses for a fancy gala, do you?”
Lottie sat back surprised, “Actually, I do have some evening gowns.” She paused, head tilted, scrutinizing Rachel carefully. “Now that you ask, I have a gorgeous one that would be stunning on you.
“It’s a vintage style tuxedo dress in a deep blue satin with an A-line silhouette that flares out at the waist. The v-neckline isn’t too deep; it’s the structured collar and the embroidery around the waist that brings the drama and elegance.
And the dress is good to go. Doesn’t need work at all except maybe a nip and tuck here or there. ”
The blue hydrangeas at the estate flashed in Rachel’s mind. That was exactly the color she needed. And if Lottie thought it would look good, she knew it had to be true. She beamed at her friends, “I think I just found a new dress for the gala.”
“Wait!” Lottie waved her hands frantically.
“Let’s have you try it on first,” Lottie laughed. “Make sure it fits!”
“Frankly,” Rachel said. “You had me at blue satin. This seems like a message from the universe agreeing with the change. Speaking of which,” Rachel fingered the ends of her hair. “Maybe it’s time to make some other alterations.”
Lisa clapped gleefully, “This is going to be so fun!”
She had to do some hard work to pull it all off, but Rachel agreed with Lisa. All she could do was pray that everything fell into place, and then hope Cal agreed. In any case, she would do her mom and dad proud and move forward with the best she could give.