Chapter 16 #2
“Ancient,” she repeated, but she was smiling now, her hands resuming their massage. “I might be ancient, but at least I’m not the one who listens to music from the eighties,” she added.
“Hey, that has nothing to do with age. That’s just good taste.” I let my head fall back against the couch cushions as she found a particularly tender spot.
“Good taste, indeed,” Marley said again, her hands kneading firmly at my calves. “You know, this actually explains a lot,” she added after a while.
I raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Tell me about that.”
“You’re an old soul, K.” Her upper lip curved into a smile as her hands stilled again, this time longer. “You’re very grounded. You’re very calm. It’s giving Taurus energy.”
“Wait, how the hell did you figure that out?” I asked, my brows raising higher, and I think she picked up on the expression on my face.
She lifted both hands innocently. “I’m not a psychic, okay. I just saw your date of birth on your ID once. It fell out of your bag. So relax, I wasn’t snooping, I promise.”
The first thing I wanted to say after her little confession was that I didn’t mind if she was actually snooping into my things, but I didn’t want to sound crazy, so I pressed my lips together and said the next thing that came into my mind.
“So I’ve been psychoanalysed through astrology now?”
“Completely,” she said. “And you fit it perfectly. Makes sense why you act like you’re fifty inside.”
“Excuse you. What about you then, oh wise one?”
“Well, if you must know, my birthday is July ninth. The Cancer sign, baby.” She winked at me as the last line left her mouth.
“Oh, July? I wish I knew much about zodiac signs. Then I would have blasted you just like you did to me. But look,” I said, grinning, “our birthdays are close. May and July, which means we are practically siblings.”
“Siblings?” she scoffed. “Siblings don’t fuck each other.”
“Jesus, I forget how blunt you are sometimes,” I groaned even as my stomach flipped traitorously. The way I reacted to Marley’s dirty words should one day be made into research.
“You love it, K,” she said quietly. “My bluntness.”
I swallowed imaginary saliva as her eyes locked onto mine.
A weird, quiet understanding settled between us then in the silence. She was looking at me intensely, and I felt my breath catch.
“Come here,” she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.
I didn’t hesitate one bit as I moved closer until I was practically in her lap, my legs still draped across her thighs. Her hands came up to cup my face, thumbs brushing across my cheekbones.
“You’re so beautiful,” she murmured, and before I could respond, she was kissing me.
It started gently, as if she were asking permission. But when I melted into her, when I made that small sound in the back of my throat, she deepened the kiss. Her tongue traced my bottom lip, and I opened for her, tasting the lingering sweetness of Carmen’s cupcakes on her breath.
My hands fisted in her sweater, pulling her closer. She tasted like comfort and desire all at once, and I wanted to drown in the feeling. I wanted to crawl inside the warmth of her.
When we finally broke apart, both of us breathing hard, she rested her forehead against mine.
“God, Kelechi,” she breathed, her hands still cradling my face.
We stayed like that for a moment, just breathing each other in. The living room felt intimate with just the soft lamp light and the sound of snow tapping against the windows.
“Can I ask you something?” I said quietly, my voice still a little breathless.
“Shoot.”
“Do you ever think about settling down one day? Like… having a wife and kids and all that?”
Marley’s hands stilled on my feet. She was quiet for a long moment, staring down at her lap, and I could see her jaw working like she was chewing on her words.
“I… maybe. I’ve never really thought about it seriously,” she said finally.
Something sank in my chest at how noncommittal she sounded.
“But you could see it? Someday?”
She looked up at me then, and there was something vulnerable in her expression.
“I guess I always figured I wasn’t the type, you know? The whole domestic thing, settling down… I’ve never been good at staying in one place for too long.”
“What do you mean you’re not the type?” I asked, genuinely curious.
She shrugged, but I could tell it wasn’t as casual as she was trying to make it seem.
“I don’t know. I’m not… soft, I guess. I’m not the kind of person people picture in a white dress or planning baby showers or whatever.”
I frowned. “Marley, that’s ridiculous. You’re one of the most caring people I know.”
“Caring isn’t the same as… domestic,” she said, and there was something almost bitter in her tone. “I’m better at fixing things than nurturing them.”
“Says who?”
“Says everyone who’s ever known me.” She was quiet for a moment, then added, “The women I’ve been with used to say I was too independent, too focused on my own stuff to really make room for someone else.”
The mention of her ex-lovers made my stomach twist, but I pushed through it.
“Maybe they weren’t the right people.”
“Maybe.” She looked at me again, and I saw something hopeful flicker in her expression. “What about you? Do you want that?”
I nodded, suddenly feeling shy under her gaze.
“Yeah. Ever since I was little, I guess. I used to watch my parents together and think… I want that. Someone to come home to, someone to build something with.” I paused, then added quietly, “Someone who chooses me every day.”
“That sounds nice,” she said, and her voice was softer now.
“It does, doesn’t it?” I said, and for a moment we just looked at each other, and I could feel the weight of the things we couldn’t say hanging between us.
Then her expression shifted and became more guarded.
“With your man back home, I reckon.”
I felt like she’d slapped me. A flash of hurt crossed her face so quickly I almost missed it, but then her expression went carefully neutral.
“Really?” I said, my voice sounding harsher than I intended. “Why do you have to bring that up right now?”
“I’m just being realistic, K. You have a whole life planned out back in Nigeria. There’s a fiancé waiting for you.”
“You don’t know anything about my life,” I snapped, pulling my feet away from her lap and sitting upright. “And you definitely don’t know anything about what I want. And we ain’t even engaged yet, for crying out loud.”
“Really?” she challenged, and there was something raw creeping into her voice now. “Because from where I’m sitting, it looks like you’re just… experimenting. Trying something different before you go back to your real life.”
The accusation struck me hard.
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? You’ve never even told me his name. You never even talk about him. It’s like he’s some abstract concept, not a real person you’re supposed to marry.”
“Because I don’t want to talk about him!” I exploded, standing up abruptly. “God, you’re so… straightforward sometimes it’s like you don’t think before you open your mouth to speak.”
She stood up too, her jaw set in that stubborn way I was beginning to recognise.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you just say things without considering how they might make someone feel,” I shot back, my voice rising. “You throw things in people’s faces like weapons.”
“I’d rather be honest than pretend things are different than they are.”
“Honest, or is it just you being a cruel woman? Because there’s a difference, Marley.” I could feel tears prickling at my eyes, and I hated it. “You think being blunt makes you honest, but sometimes it just makes you look like a mean bitch.”
“A mean bitch?” She laughed, but there was no humour in it. “I’m a mean bitch for acknowledging reality? For pointing out that you’re engaged to someone else?”
“You’re mean for using it against me, for ruining this moment,” I said, and my voice cracked on the last word. “It’s like you’re reminding yourself as much as me that the past months we've been together have only been a mirage… and not real.”
Her face went pale at that, and I knew I’d hit something true.
I stared at her, feeling suddenly exhausted by more than just the evening.
“You know what? I… I need a minute.”
I walked away from her, heading toward the bedroom. I heard her call my name, but I kept going, stepping into the bathroom and locking the door behind me.
I leaned against the sink, gripping the cool porcelain edge as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My cheeks were flushed, whether from anger or something else, I couldn’t tell. The bathroom was quiet except for the soft hum of the ventilation fan.
What were we doing? What was I doing?
I touched my lips, remembering the way she’d kissed me, the way her hands had felt on my skin just minutes ago. The way she looked at me like she never wanted to let me go.
But then she’d gone ahead to spoil it all by mentioning Chukwuma. She’d thrown my future engagement in my face like it was some kind of shield against whatever this was between us.
Wasn’t it, though?
When had I last thought about Chukwuma without feeling obligated to? I’ve never even wanted him the way I want Marley… never even had the crazy and nasty thoughts of him the way I did with Marley.
I looked at myself in the mirror, taking note of how my hair was slightly mussed from lying on the couch, my lips still a little swollen from our earlier kisses. I looked like someone who’d been thoroughly loved.
But what was I exactly? What were we?
We weren’t girlfriends. We’d never defined it.
We just… existed in this space between friendship and something more, something that made my chest tight and my thoughts scattered.
Something that made me want to stay in Canada forever, with her forever, and it made me terrified of what that wanting meant.
I had deep feelings for her, deeper than anything I’ve ever felt. Marley made me come alive. She’s added light to my very grey, performative life and now…
But maybe she was right. Maybe I was just kidding myself. Maybe this was just a phase, something to explore before I went back to my real life, my planned life.
A tear trickled down my cheek, and I broke down in tiny sobs, unsure of how to put myself back together.