Chapter 36 #2
Raye fought the sudden, horrible urge to clutch at him, to shout at him, to wail — but she held herself silent and still, waiting for Silfast’s response.
And it was almost a relief to see the displeasure, the disapproval, crackling in his beady eyes.
Because maybe… maybe he would see through all this, and refuse.
Maybe he would demand that Kalfr stay here instead, stay safe and alive, be the father Svein so desperately needed.
But then this Joarr leaned into Silfast, and muttered something into his ear.
Something that only drew Silfast’s frown deeper, and he glared back at Kalfr, and folded his bulky arms over his chest. “You ken you hold the right to this band, due to your place as voreur,” he growled.
“But after your death, you yet wish us to bind this band to them? To her?”
To them. To her. He meant… to Gaelfr. To Raye. A shock of cold misery flashed through Raye, because the entire room had gone silent now, and she could feel the eyes, boring into her back. Judging her. Condemning her.
“For they have both broken their vows as Bautul, have they not?” Silfast continued, with a contemptuous wave toward Raye and Gaelfr.
“Gaelfr, you spurned your kin and ran from us, when we most needed your strength. And woman” — his voice went even harder, his eyes glittering on Raye’s face — “you have brought both our brothers great pain and grief. You cleaved them apart, against their vows, and against the will of the goddess. You kept them from their own son. How can we be sure you will not do this again? How can we be sure you will not betray us, or wield our own band against us?”
His voice thudded through the room, swung deep and painful in Raye’s gut. He didn’t trust her, he thought she would betray them — and no wonder, because perhaps she already had, hadn’t she? And what was she supposed to say to that, what possible response could she give?
But Silfast’s eyes were already back on Gaelfr again, his brows raised. “We will hear you first, brother,” he said. “How will you make amends to us, and regain our trust?”
Amends again. Raye fought down her flinch as she glanced toward Gaelfr, but he held his gaze on Silfast. “Before the goddess,” he began, hoarse, “I shall again swear my fealty to you, Captain, and to my ástvinur, and to our kin. I swear to uphold and strengthen and defend Kalfr and his kin and his war-band, even unto my death. There is naught that will make me abandon them again.”
It sounded true, felt true, quivering strangely in Raye’s chest, while Gaelfr cast a glance around at their silent observers.
“Also,” he continued, “I shall do my utmost to train our new band in the ways of battle, in all the deepest ways of our fathers. I shall make our band into the fiercest, most loyal war-band in the realm, ready to uphold any base or byrgi it is called to defend. And thus, this band shall well serve all the clan, and all our sons, even beyond our deaths.”
There were a few approving murmurs around the room, and Raye caught a flicker of appreciation in Silfast’s eyes, too.
Suggesting, perhaps, that Gaelfr had been an even more valuable warrior and leader than he’d let on, and that this was therefore a worthwhile amends for him to offer.
That the prospect of him training and preparing an elite fighting band was of real value to the clan, and to Silfast.
And perhaps, also, it was of value to Kalfr.
Because Kalfr’s sidelong glance toward Gaelfr was surprised, and approving, and grateful.
As if he had maybe expected Gaelfr to argue, or to fight his appalling proposal, instead of supporting it.
And this meant… Gaelfr was supporting it, right?
He was agreeing to do this, so Kalfr could still offer himself up to their enemies, and get himself killed.
“We shall weigh this offer, brother,” Silfast replied, with a curt nod toward Gaelfr. “And now you, woman. What shall you offer to earn our trust again?”
Fuck. Raye couldn’t hide her flinch this time, or her alarmed sideways glance toward Kalfr and Gaelfr.
What the hell was she supposed to do, or say?
When Kalfr had blindsided her with this ridiculous plan, and Gaelfr had agreed to it?
And publicly committed to it, before all his kin?
And now was she supposed to agree to it, too, and offer up yet another supposedly unbreakable vow before their goddess?
Kalfr’s gaze was unreadable on hers, entirely inscrutable, but Gaelfr’s was… something else. Something she could almost feel him speaking aloud, shouting it silently into her whirling, panicked thoughts. We shall do all we can for him. We shall address this. He shall stay, and be safe.
Right. Because Gaelfr still wouldn’t allow Kalfr’s death. He wouldn’t. And if anything, having an elite war-band at his command would only help him guard Kalfr and Svein. And Raye had promised to help too, to do this, prove this…
So she gulped down a shaky breath, and made herself meet Silfast’s hard, unfriendly eyes. “I’ve already — extended my apologies to Kalfr,” she said, her voice audibly wavering. “And I’ve sworn to make amends to him, before the goddess. In whatever ways I can.”
She attempted a smile toward Silfast’s blank watching eyes, earning only a loud scoff in return. “And what have you done, woman?” he demanded. “How have you made these amends? How have you honoured him and helped him, before all his kin? How have you begun to earn his trust again?”
The alarm wrenched higher in Raye’s chest, and she forced herself to drag in another breath, to think. Gods damn it, what had she done, what would they like, what would they want to hear?
“Um,” she began, with a furtive glance back toward the room, and its multiple still-naked occupants, all staring at her with open curiosity. “Well, I’ve tried to — learn from my past fears and mistakes, and do better. I’ve tried to be — kind, and considerate, and… open-minded. And I’ve…”
Her eyes again caught on the orc couple who had been cavorting on the platform by the fire, who were now standing and wiping each other off, one of them brazenly raising his brows toward her.
Making her next option all too obvious, damn it, and Raye choked down another breath, and met Silfast’s eyes.
“And I’ve… welcomed Kalfr’s… pleasure,” she made herself say.
“And offered him… whatever he would like. From me.”
Her memories flashed back to the events of the past few days — begging on the altar, kneeling under the table, lavishing Kalfr as he’d fucked Gaelfr.
And her cheeks were already burning again, her eyes pleading on this Silfast’s face.
Surely that would be enough, and now she could leave, and never see any of these people again.
But Silfast’s hard eyes hadn’t changed, and if anything, his lip curled even higher.
“And have you done this in the way our goddess commands?” he asked coldly.
“Have you eagerly milked Kalfr’s seed upon our sacred altar, together with his ástvinur, before all his kin?
Have you anointed this altar with his fresh seed?
Have you begged his favour thus, and pleaded with him to call down the goddess’ blessing upon you? ”
Raye’s heartbeat flailed, while the room dipped and flickered, because Silfast meant — he expected that. They expected that. Of her. Here. They expected her to eagerly milk Kalfr’s seed, to anoint the altar, to beg his forgiveness. Before all his kin.
Raye’s rebellion kicked and surged, because that was ridiculous, and also…
she’d already somewhat done it, hadn’t she?
Kalfr had already taken her on that stone altar, back at the byrgi.
And Gaelfr had even said she’d anointed it with Kalfr’s seed, and he’d been there to bear witness, the way the goddess wanted. But then… what else had he said?
We ought to have had more Bautul witnesses. Kalfr ought to have spoken a prayer, and called down the goddess’ blessing upon you. We would next expect him to bring you before the clan, and finish this. He needed my seed, and my blessing.
Gods damn it. And when Raye shot another narrow glance at Gaelfr, she could almost hear him saying it, yet again. Could see the challenge, or the command, flaring in his eyes. He’d told her about this. He’d warned her about this.
We would next expect him to bring you before the clan, and finish this.
It was another trial. Another test. And now… it was up to Raye to do it. To prove it. To keep her vow, and make her amends.
Raye’s heart thundered even faster, but she’d promised to do anything. Anything. And could she do this, she could, please, goddess…
And with all her strength, all her courage, she turned to Kalfr. Met his careful, inscrutable eyes. And took a breath, opened her mouth…
“Then please, Kalfr,” she croaked. “Allow me to join you upon this altar, and beg your favour before all your clan.”