Chapter 60
Raye’s accusation rang through the room, heavy with certainty, and with… anger.
It’s exactly what you’ve done to me.
Kalfr and Gaelfr were both staring at her now, Gaelfr still with that deep furrow between his brows, Kalfr with… something else. Something too close to recognition, or even… fear.
“It’s not that I don’t understand why,” Raye told him, her voice surprisingly even. “We’ve all hurt each other, and made so many mistakes. And you faced something so horrible, so vile — and of course it’s still affecting you. Keeping you from trusting the people closest to you.”
Kalfr stared back at her, unmoving but for a twitch of his claws, and Raye squared her shoulders, stepped closer toward him. “But it isn’t fair to keep testing us like this,” she continued. “It isn’t fair to me, or to Gaelfr, or to you.”
The certainty kept striking through her voice, strong enough to make Kalfr lurch a step back from her, shaking his head.
Still denying it, maybe not even seeing it, not realizing he was doing it — and even as the grief of that cracked in Raye’s chest, she took another step toward him, her chin raised, her jaw set.
“Think about it, Kalfr,” she said. “Think about you and Gaelfr. How many ways have you tested him, since the start of all this? You met me and courted me, without him. You hid me from him. You swore vows to me, made a son with me, without him. And after everything blew up between us, you told Gaelfr you wouldn’t touch him again, without me.
You ran him off, and didn’t send for him when you needed him.
And when he finally came back, you were angry he didn’t come sooner.
You expected him to bow and grovel and try to make it up to you, in any way he could. ”
She was breathless by the end, but her eyes held steady on his, and she gulped down more air, more truth.
“You wanted him to prove it,” she said flatly.
“You wanted him to come to my cottage that night, and fight for you. You wanted him to barge in, and demand you keep your vow to him. You wanted him to come back to you, to guard you, comfort you, rescue you.”
Kalfr betrayed a swallow, a glance toward Gaelfr on the bed, and Raye took another step closer to him, and clasped his stiff fingers in hers.
“And even just now,” she continued, “you told me Gaelfr didn’t give you a choice back then, when he swore to be your ástvinur — but then you also said you wanted him, and chose to swear the vow back to him. And is there any chance —”
Her voice broke, but she made herself keep saying it, dragging up the darkness. “Is there any chance,” she began again, quiet now, “that even then, you wanted him to barge in, too? You wanted him to take over, and make the choice for you, so you didn’t have to do it?”
Kalfr’s fingers spasmed in hers, his eyes flashing with something like shock, like recognition, like…
guilt. And goddess, Raye knew that feeling so, so well, and she attempted a smile toward him, though it faltered on her lips.
“I understand, if that’s what you wanted,” she said thickly.
“Because I’ve done it too, haven’t I? But, if that wasn’t what you wanted, then maybe — maybe it’s time to finally face the truth, and make that hard choice for yourself, and decide to part ways with each other, for good.
And that way, Gaelfr can move on too, and finally stop trying to pass your tests, and make up for something that you can never actually forgive. ”
Kalfr’s gaze darted back toward Gaelfr, who was now just staring at them from the bed, his eyes wide and blank.
But Raye still had the right of this, she did, and she kept squeezing Kalfr’s slack hand as she fully turned toward Gaelfr.
Smiling at him, too, though it felt weak and pained, quivering on her mouth.
“Because you’ve been trying so hard, haven’t you, Gael?
” she asked, over the ache in her throat.
“You blamed yourself for pushing Kalfr to be your ástvinur, so you’ve been trying to give him his freedom ever since.
You tried to let him have a life with me, without you — and you kept up the pretense until you snapped.
Just like you tried to stay away down south, where you thought Kalfr wanted you, until you got that portrait.
And you’ve been trying ever since we got here, too.
Trying to please Kalfr, to comfort him, to help him, to support him, to give him another son.
A chance to start over. No matter the cost.”
Gaelfr’s body jolted, his eyes looking stricken, now, and Raye’s smile sank into something more like a grimace.
“And you’ve been trying to help me, and heal me, and make me fall in love with you, too,” she whispered.
“Because you thought that was what Kalfr wanted from you, right? You thought maybe then you would finally pass his tests for good. You would have finally paid enough, and earned his trust in return. His love.”
Kalfr’s hand felt clammy in hers now, and he looked shaken, hunted, haggard. But Raye had to finish this, fight through all this misery and grief, dredge up all that darkness into the light…
“And you,” she managed toward Kalfr, “you just condemned Gaelfr for manipulating me, and pushing me to honour you. But you’ve never once admitted that you’ve been doing it to me, too.”
Kalfr’s head twitched, as if he was trying to shake it, to say no — and Raye’s free hand snapped up to his face, held it still.
“No, you listen to me,” she said. “I know I didn’t always make the right choices, with us.
I know you had every right to be angry with me, and cut me from your life, too.
But instead, the first day we came here, you — you let me make that vow to you. ”
Kalfr’s eyes stilled on hers again, and Raye dredged up another sad, bitter smile. “You haven’t forgotten the vow, have you?” she asked. “Because I certainly haven’t. If there’s ever anything — anything — I could do for you, to try to make it up to you, I will.”
It was a direct quote, and Kalfr well knew it, betraying an unmistakable flinch beneath her fingers’ grip.
“You wanted me proving it to you, too,” she told him.
“You wanted me to fight for you. You wanted to test me, and punish me, make me beg and serve you, make me pay — and maybe then I could earn your trust, and your love.”
Kalfr recoiled as though he’d been struck, staggering back and away from her, hauling in deep, bracing breaths.
And Raye smiled again, even as her eyes prickled, her throat closing off.
“I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it,” she whispered, “and maybe it was what I needed from you, too. Maybe” — oh goddess, was this true, it was — “I wanted you to barge in too, so I didn’t have to make the choice. ”
Her voice cracked, and something cracked deep inside, too, breaking apart that last bit of resistance. “But I think we all need to finally face the truth about each other,” she whispered. “And about ourselves, too.”
The silence thudded out behind her words, crushed tight around Raye’s chest — until Kalfr cleared his throat, rubbed his shaky hand at his face. “Raye,” he gasped, in a voice she’d never heard from him before. “I never meant — I did not wish —”
But he couldn’t finish it, of course he couldn’t, and Raye’s smile back toward him felt almost achingly sincere. “I know you didn’t mean to,” she croaked back, “but you did, Kalfr. You let me blame myself for all of this, all this time. When in truth —”
It felt too awful to say, to cast out between them, so much worse than all the rest — but Raye was too far now, the darkness bubbling too close…
“I was right,” she choked out. “I was right, when I threw you out that night. Because based on what you’ve told me today” — she dragged in more air — “as long as you were fighting in that war, Svein wasn’t safe.
He wasn’t safe with your clan. He wasn’t safe with you.
He might have ended up just — just like you did. ”
And Kalfr — didn’t move. Didn’t even blink. Just stood there, immobile, while the entire world crumbled around them. Because — yes. Raye was right. Wasn’t she? She had been right all along. Kalfr had been dangerous. The orcs had been dangerous. Her son hadn’t been safe.
And Kalfr… Kalfr had known that. He’d known Svein hadn’t been safe with his clan, all this time. And was it possible that he’d even stayed away from Svein, kept his clan away, for all those years — because he’d known? He’d known Svein wasn’t safe with his clan? With him?
Kalfr still didn’t move, and Raye’s shoulders slumped, as all her resolve, all her hope, slipped into the darkness choking all around them. “I can’t trust you,” she rasped. “I’ve never, ever been able to trust you.”
And that was the last of it, wasn’t it? The final sharpened, vicious knife plunging into Raye’s pregnant belly.
She couldn’t trust him. She couldn’t trust them.
She’d never been able to trust them, and she’d known it from the start.
And goddess, how had she forgotten? How had she landed here again, with another orc son in her womb, and only danger and poverty and loss stretching out before her?
Before her, Kalfr still hadn’t moved, though he slightly swayed on his feet — and suddenly Gaelfr shoved up, and staggered over to grip at Kalfr’s arm. Holding him firm and upright, while his face thrust into Kalfr’s neck, his breath inhaling harsh and deep.
“He only — needs a spell, saeta,” Gaelfr rasped. “Only grant him — some time. Peace.”
But even as he spoke, there was a distinct voice down the corridor, calling Kalfr’s name — and with it, the distant sound of clanging and clattering, too.
A sound that had perhaps been rising, all the while they’d spoken, because damn it, Kalfr and Gaelfr still had that mission.
Kalfr was still going to meet Sybil today.
And despite everything Raye had just said, everything she’d just hurled out between them, she suddenly wanted to throw herself into Kalfr’s arms, and beg him to stay.
Beg him not to subject her to this one last test, this final horrible punishment.
To make her watch him walk away, maybe into another woman’s clutches, maybe to his death.
And Raye would be left to birth and raise his son without him, and what if Gaelfr was killed too, what if he still left, what if he’d only ever done all this for Kalfr, and she would be alone again forever —
But then — Gaelfr. Gaelfr, here, too, his familiar hand running firm and swift up and down Raye’s back, his face ducking into her throat. “You — take a spell also, saeta,” he said, his voice rough. “Deep breaths. Be at peace. You are safe.”
Peace. Safe. It shouldn’t have helped, it shouldn’t — but Raye was obeying him, hauling in deep wheezing breaths, while his hand kept stroking, drawing her closer into his solid warmth. “Good,” he murmured. “Just thus.”
Raye wrenched a nod, and fought to dredge up some semblance of awareness, of rational thought.
Goddess, of all the mornings to fight like this, to dump all this darkness out between them, when Kalfr and Gaelfr were set to leave.
And as little as she liked this plan, and as little attention as she’d paid to the final details last night, she still knew the timing was important, even crucial.
They needed to intercept Sybil before she came too close to the byrgi, and they’d had a safe place in mind to meet, too.
And more than anything, they needed to stay safe. Alive. For Svein, and for…
“You should — go, then,” Raye gritted out, though her voice badly wavered, her hands trembling. “It’s — it’s important. We can — finish this discussion — when you come back. Tomorrow. Right?”
And yes, tomorrow, that had been the plan, and now she had to bear an entire day and night of waiting without them. And how would she bear it, how could she do this, keep doing this, even just for Svein, and for — for —
She couldn’t stand even the thought, but her shaky hand slipped to her waist, fingers spreading wide against it. She’d wanted this pregnancy so much, and now they were both leaving, now it was all ruined, again…
Kalfr and Gaelfr had both followed Raye’s hand, staring at her waist — and Kalfr twitched all over, dragged both his hands down his face.
“I am — sorry, Raye,” he croaked. “We will resolve all this, and yet — keep you safe. Keep our sons safe. You can yet trust us, in this. We are yet — kin. Family.”
But Raye couldn’t trust them, she knew she couldn’t, even as she forced herself to nod, and paste a wan smile to her face. Fully lying to them now, but they’d both lied to her too, and what did it matter? They might be leaving her forever, she might never see them again, never trust them again…
“I know,” she made herself say. “I understand. But you should still — go.”
She didn’t miss their uneasy glance toward each other, the way they were silently speaking to each other, allying together against her.
Just like they’d done throughout all the rest of this, too, trusting each other over her, despite everything they’d done to each other — and she couldn’t stand to see it again, couldn’t bear it for another instant, another breath.
“Just stop it, and go,” she rasped. “And stop worrying, I’m not going to do anything drastic while you’re gone, or anything that risks harming our son. I just — need some time. Like Gael said.”
She aimed another wan smile toward Gaelfr’s face, letting him think he was right, he was still helping her. And that was lying to him, too, and she could see him hesitating, his nostrils flaring —
“Please, just go,” she gasped. “Do what you swore to do, and trust me, like I’m trusting you. Go do your jobs, keep us safe, and give me some damned peace, for goddess’ sake!”
And yes, finally, that had done it, and Raye’s furious wave toward the door was the final finishing push.
Both Kalfr and Gaelfr nodded, lurching to obey, Gaelfr swiping for some clothes on the way by.
And though Gaelfr didn’t look back, Kalfr gave her one last, regretful look before following Gaelfr out the door, and shutting it quietly behind them.
They were gone.