Chapter 48
CHAPTER 48
Max
Only it wasn’t with a “d.” There was no “d” in sight. But she’d clearly needed to hear me say it, because for a moment there she’d looked as if she might have fainted. But I could see the truth, even if she couldn’t right now. There were no “d”s, not for either of us anymore.
There had been a moment last night when I’d put every last drop of feeling into a kiss and called her “baby” and she had looked at me as if she was about to burst with love, just as much as I was bursting with love. I knew that look. I’d seen it every day for four years; it had been imprinted on me.
Or was I being na?ve? Was I seeing what I wanted to see? My head was swimming. I was dizzy with these thoughts—I needed to get a grip and ground myself. I tackled some work emails, hoping to push her from my thoughts, and then since I had only been messaging the nurses while away to see how my mom was, I decided to call her directly. The nurse answered immediately and I was surprised to hear that my mom was having a semi-lucid moment. Well, she was at least able to talk and was asking to talk to me.
“Hi, Mom,” I said.
“Son!” My heart thumped at that. It wasn’t often she knew who I was, so when she did it always felt very special. A moment I would cherish when the other moments got too rough.
“Where are you?” she asked.
“I’m at Lake Malawi. I wish you could see it here. You would love it. Sun, blue waters and a beach.”
“Sounds lovely. Maybe you can take me there?”
My heart snapped a little. I would not be bringing her here because she would forget about this conversation in hours. “Definitely! As soon as I get back, you and I should make plans to come here.”
“Who are you there with?”
“I’m here with Ash. You remember her, Mom?”
“Of course I remember her! How can I forget my son’s lovely girlfriend?”
I sat down on the bed and hung my head. She was back in this fantasy, and it was the absolute worst time for it. For me and my roller-coaster emotions anyway.
“How is Ash? And when you do think I’ll be able to call her my future daughter-in-law?” she asked happily.
“She’s good. And probably soon, Mom, soon,” I said, and every fiber of my existence wanted this statement to be true. The phone went silent for a while.
“Mom?” She wasn’t responding. “Hello?”
“Who’s there?” Her voice came through faint and perturbed.
I sighed and my chest constricted. She was gone again.
“Just a friend,” I said. “I have an idea. You should go and visit Lucy.”
“Lucy! That’s a good idea.”
She dropped the phone and was gone, in more ways than one.
I straightened myself up for my day, despite the blow of emotion I’d just been delivered. The manager and I breezed through the discussions. We chatted about daily rental for shoots—one-day versus longer shoots; talked about prices for the entire hotel rental, for those clients of mine who valued privacy above all else; talked about what medical emergency and safety measures were in place, something that was always asked. I declined scuba diving, though, and the canoe ride. I’d seen enough photos of these activities to know what they were about and felt confident about adding them to my website. I already had an idea in mind for this location. A production company with a smaller budget was looking for a place to shoot a film, somewhere tropical. I’d initially looked at what I had in Madagascar and Mauritius, but that had been too expensive. Now I was thinking that Lake Malawi, with its very tropical atmosphere, might definitely be a good substitute.
I took a few photos on my phone. I’d send my professional photographer here at a later stage to get better ones, and I sent the company an email with my idea. By the time I got back to my room, after popping to the nearby village to grab some normal condoms, I was hot and the cool water of the lake looked very, very appealing.
I found Ash stretched out across the couch, clutching her laptop as if she’d fallen asleep with it. I could hear something playing from it. Her laptop looked as if it was going to fall, so I crept round and tried to pull it out of her hands without waking her. I slid it out as gently as I could and then laid it on the table. It sounded like she was playing a video of herself. I could hear her talking about the light and location, probably something she’d sent to Sebastian, something she’d filmed earlier. I carefully opened the computer to pause it. An editing program was open. I made sure to save the file, then I minimized the program, and what she had up on the screen stole my breath.
It was the photo of us just before it had all fallen apart. God, I looked so different. I was tall and pale and somewhat good-looking, but in a bit of a nerdy way, as if I’d not quite come into my own yet, which I hadn’t. I remember being that age, eighteen—you’re on the cusp of being an adult, but so far away from really being one. It’s an awkward phase you hover around, not quite an adult, not quite a child. But Ash on the other hand, she was gorgeous. Gorgeous then, and gorgeous now. I smiled to myself at her dress, which at the time had been the height of fashion. Red satin with about a million shiny diamantes on it. Shiny diamante straps that wrapped round her neck as if they hadn’t decided whether they were a necklace, or dress straps.
I looked up from this picture to the sleeping vision in front of me.
Did this picture mean we did stand a chance? Did her having it still and looking at it today mean that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t being that na?ve after all? And that maybe, just maybe, somewhere under her stubborn insistence that there were no feelings, there actually were?
I closed the computer quietly and slid it onto the table next to her. If there was even the slightest possibility that her having this photo meant that she still had feelings, and that there was still a chance for us, a second chance , then I was not about to let this day go to waste. I was going to make her see what we could be like now. And that we were still perfect for each other.