Chapter 13 #2
“I am. And you, too. I want—” She clenches her fist around the flannel shirt I’m wear. That she was wearing. That I’ve fucked her in, and covered her naked body with.
God, this shirt represents all the messiness of our relationship.
Rory was right last night. We need to stop using each other as a crutch. We need to figure out how to be in each other’s lives without the complications of sex and unresolved feelings.
Even if those complications are the only times I feel truly alive anymore.
But right now, it’s so hard to hold myself back.
She searches my face.
“I want you to be happy,” she finally says.
And then she steps back.
Fuck.
I catch her wrist and pull her back against me. Fucking hell. “I don’t want you to think that I’m not happy right now, helping you out.”
She shrugs. “But you weren’t happy when we were together, and I’m not going to forget that.”
“Because—”
She keeps going, cutting me off. “On the other side of this, I owe you one, big time. Whatever you need.”
“Roar, listen to me.”
She presses her lips together, her gaze tightening up. Wary.
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Was it not true?”
I wince.
Her gaze turns suspiciously bright.
I can’t make her cry on Christmas Fucking Eve. “It was true, months ago. I shouldn’t have said it because I don’t think I’d feel the same way now, if we had a redo.”
“We don’t,” she says tightly. “We won’t.”
The message is clear as a bell. I won’t have a second chance to break her heart. And we need to learn how to roll through these waves of past hurt feelings. “I understand.”
“Do you?”
“I do.” I swallow hard. “We’re trying to be friends. We both want that. And it’s complicated because we’re navigating that while pretending to date. And that’s on top of actually being exes who still...”
I trail off, because that last part shouldn’t matter. It should be behind us.
“Who still what?” Rory’s voice is so small and quiet.
I should ignore the question. Leave it be. Because there are a lot of ways to end that thought, and they’re all dangerous.
We’re exes who still care about each other. Want each other. Even maybe love each other, although it’s not enough.
I curve over her. “Who still have really good chemistry.”
She nods slowly. “Yeah. That.”
We’re close enough that I can see the flecks of gold in her brown eyes. Close enough that it would be nothing to lean in and—
“There you are,” Dante booms.
We jump apart, Rory spinning around and pressing her hands to her cheeks. Me staring up at the sky for a sobering second before nodding at her dad. “Yep. You need help with something?”
“Just came to count trees.”
“Eight,” Rory says quickly.
“Seven,” I correct. “Emma said her mom wanted one and they didn’t have one strapped to their car when they left. I’ll buy one for them and drop it off.”
“Oh, I can do that, son.” Dante claps me on the shoulder.
Rory mutters something about finding her sisters and practically sprints away.
I watch her go. Every moment of playing this role is both the best and worst kind of torture. I want her back in my arms, but I also don’t want to lie to her family.
She comes to a stop when she reaches her sisters.
Dante follows my gaze, and his expression softens. “It’s good to see them all together. Been a rough couple of days for Cassie.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you heading to the market with them?”
I scrub my hand over my jaw, thinking about the Bechdel Test—and the way I keep finding Rory in my arms. A bit of space this afternoon wouldn’t be bad.
“No, I’m going to let them have sister time.
I have presents to deliver to my cousins, anyway.
So I can drop off the tree. You don’t need to do a final delivery. ”
“I don’t mind.” Then he clears his throat. “You know, Carmen and I always thought you and Rory would be married by now.”
I rub the back of my neck. “It’s not, um…”
“If money is an issue—”
My throat tightens. This is exactly the kind of conversation I need to avoid. “Dante—”
“I’m not pushing,” he says quickly. “Just…we wouldn’t want that to be what stands between you kids and a…what does Jules call it? A happy ever after.”
What’s standing between Rory and a happy ever after is her job, but I can’t tell that to her dad.
“It’s definitely complicated,” I manage. “But we’re okay for money.”
“All right. Well, grab a tree for Emma and put it in the back of the truck. If you’re going out, you might as well drop it off. I’ll get their address for you.”
I find the biggest remaining tree and heft it over my shoulder.
Rory catches my gaze as I stride to the delivery truck.
The dirty memories she whispered to me last night slam to the front of my mind.
It’s good that she has plans with her sisters.
If she didn’t, I’d find a way to drag her out for this delivery with me, and find an abandoned lane to park in. See if she can still ride my thigh the way she used to, back when she wasn’t sure yet about going all the way, but we both wanted to get off together.
I sling the tree into the back of the truck, then go back to the sales hut to grab my vest and the keys.
Jules and Cassie are already debating what treats to buy at the market.
“Hey,” Rory says sliding up against me. “Thanks. You know, for being here. For helping. For…” She gestures to the truck. “That’s nice, what you thought of for Emma with the tree.”
“She was real worried about ruining her mom’s Christmas plans, you know?” I shrug. “Did you get their number? Maybe I can send them a photo of the tree on their porch.”
“Yeah. I’ll text it to you.”
“Thanks.”
She goes to say something else, then stops. Bites her lip and then shakes her head.
I lean in and brush my lips against her forehead. “Don’t worry, Roar. I’m right where I want to be.”
And despite all the pretending, the complications, and everything that remains painfully unresolved between us, I mean it with all of my heart.