Chapter 2
TWO
Jada
I dashed to the front door, the ringing phone a dead weight in my hands. I swung open the glass, walked through, and shut it tightly behind me.
The buzzing stopped and began again immediately.
“Hello?” My blood pounded through my veins as I waited to see which Decker I would be dealing with—the sweet, playful man I had fallen in love with or the hateful, condescending jerk I loathed.
As I waited for him to speak, I shook my head at my own stupidity. Regardless of his reason for calling, the conversation wouldn’t end well. It never did. That was the one consistency of our relationship.
I filled my lungs with precious air, reminding myself to be strong.
Don’t let him sense any weakness.
“Hey, Jada. How are you?” The Northeastern accent that I’d initially found so endearing only annoyed me now. It was a reminder of the nights when he would come home angry, the nights I would pretend to be asleep and pray he’d just pass out.
“I’m good,” I said, chewing on a fingernail.
I walked down the sidewalk, needing to put some distance between myself and the house.
I didn’t want to risk Kari hearing this conversation.
She had no idea what I’d dealt with in my marriage.
No one did. It was devastating and embarrassing, for one.
For two, my friends would have asked why I put up with it.
Quite frankly, I couldn’t explain things that I didn’t understand.
Decker could go from a decent husband one minute—bringing home takeout so we could watch a movie together—to an irrational lunatic the next, backing me up against the wall while yelling every insult he could think up. It had been my own personal hell.
His back-and-forth was dizzying and confusing.
I would find the nerve to leave and then he would switch again.
He played on my insecurities, manipulating me like a master manipulator.
He mocked that I would be starting over with virtually nothing.
Was I willing to throw away everything we had built together?
Didn’t I want to start a family? Didn’t I mean what I said before the officiator?
He knew the things that made me reconsider walking out. It was an endless, exhausting roller coaster that I couldn’t get off … until I literally walked in on the truth.
I knew he was cheating on me. I had known that down deep for a long time.
Yet my heart had splintered with each thrust Decker delivered to our neighbor as she held on to my dresser with both hands. As he pushed Sarah over the edge of ecstasy, he pushed me out the door.
Turns out, there’s a big difference in seeing unfaithfulness rather than just suspecting it.
It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I called my friend Mandi and moved my things in with her that night after Decker went to work. Her husband, Mason, was a professional fighter; it was the safest place I could go. Decker had never hit me, but I wasn’t sure what his reaction would be.
As I feared, he went ballistic. He begged me to return one minute and cursed me out the next. In one drunken binge, he showed up at Mandi’s door. I’m not sure what transpired between Decker and Mason, but he didn’t return. He just complicated my life from afar by fighting me on the divorce.
“You can’t make it on your own. You’ll be back.”
I rolled my eyes at the memory.
“How are you?” I asked, making my way down the sidewalk.
“Ah, I’m okay.” Ice clinked against glass. “Just thinking about you.”
“Oh, really? What brought that on?”
“I found some pictures today in the back of our closet.”
I smiled sadly. “Yeah, I left those there.”
Decker was quiet for a few moments. I knew the conversation was getting ready to turn and I fought the urge to disconnect the call.
He needs to hear, once and for all, to leave me alone. I am safe here.
“You don’t want them?” The sadness in his voice hurt me. The self-help books called it co-dependency but, to me, it was just being a human. I had loved him for a long time before he was this Decker. I couldn’t just forget that.
“No, I don’t want them. It is easier to try to forget everything, I think.” I worried my bottom lip between my teeth, hoping this wouldn’t set him off. Every word was a gamble when he was drinking. An arbitrary line could be crossed at any time.
He chuckled into the phone, a hint of anger surfacing in his voice. “Really? You don’t want to remember me?”
I let out a long breath as I slowed my pace. I needed to focus.
Stand up to him. Don’t back down.
“Honestly, no. Not really. That wasn’t exactly a happy part of my life. You of all people should know that.”
“You were never happy with me? You can really say that?”
“I don’t know why it matters at this point.” I shook my head, feeling the exhaustion that accompanied dealing with Decker begin to creep into my bones.
“I miss you,” he whispered.
“Don’t do this.”
“You know we were great together. We had some bad times, yeah. Everyone does. But just admit that we had some great ones, too.”
I continued walking, contemplating what he said. All of the good memories now had a big question mark on top of them.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. I felt noticeably less guilty than I normally did when he tried to manipulate me and I smiled at the realization. Maybe I was making progress.
“We could have worked everything out. You didn’t give me a chance.” The anger in his voice was heavier, his tone more accusatory. A few months before, I would have started backtracking, trying to find a way avoid the confrontation that was about to happen.
But that was then and this was now.
“You have got to be kidding me,” I said, entering the park and spotting a picnic table. “I gave you so many chances it isn’t even funny.”
“You just didn’t want it to work out.”
I recoiled at his accusation, my blood beginning to boil.
“How can you even say that? I put up with so much from you. So many nights I sat at home, scared you were going to come barging through the door, irate about something stupid. And how many times did you cheat on me? How many before I walked into our bedroom and found you fucking Sarah? I ignored so much, Decker,” I seethed, the words pouring from my soul, “in order for it to ‘work out.’ I put up with so much more than anyone ever should. And all that ended up happening was that you made a fool out of me.”
“Jada—”
“Do not ‘Jada’ me.” I had never felt free enough to truly defend myself before. My heart pounded as a weight lifted from my being. “You made me feel like I was worthless for so long. But that is my fault because I let it happen.”
“If you would’ve kept me happy at home, this could have been avoided.”
“Fuck you,” I bit out, catching him off guard.
“Well, well, well. You move away and you get all ballsy, huh?”
“It’s hard to be ballsy to someone much larger than you when they’re breathing down your neck, intimidating you all the time.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You seem to have a case of revisionist history going on.” He laughed into the phone. It only fueled the fire that had started to burn inside me and I reveled in the feeling of being able to let it smolder.
“I’m sure you do think that.”
“When you’re sick of playing house with your sister, maybe I’ll still consider taking you back.”
“Oh, if only I could ever be so lucky—”
“Don’t get cocky with me.” I knew his eyes were changing, going from hazel to a dark whiskey. He was sitting taller, his jaw tight. It was like clockwork when his voice deepened like that.
“I should’ve left you a lot sooner than I did.”
“Don’t act like I’m some kind of monster, Jada. I gave you a great life. You’re having some early mid-life crisis or something. You’ll come back to your senses soon enough.”
“Yeah. You’re right. It’s all my fault,” I said, my head held high despite the words that I spoke.
“You better watch it.” His voice was almost a whisper, quivering with the fury he was trying to rein in.
The power between us had shifted. Whereas he had always had full control, it was now split. I knew he felt it, too.
“Or what, Decker? What are you going to do to me now? I’m not your wife. I’m not your girlfriend. I’m not your anything.”
“You’re so full of shit. You will always be mine. Do you hear me?”
“I’m pretty sure you have a piece of paper that says otherwise.”
“I only agreed to it in the end so you could see what life is like without me, you dumb bitch. Once you see what it is like to pay your own bills, to make your own decisions, you’ll be back. You aren’t capable of making it on your own.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
“Maybe, but you will be crawling back to this asshole within a few weeks.” I could hear his grin and I wanted to wipe it off his face. “You better just pray I’m willing to take you back.”
I took a deep breath as I watched two little girls enter the park.
Their ponytails bounced as they headed toward the grassy field.
One of them tossed a giant yellow ball on the ground and they began kicking it back and forth, laughing.
I was distracted by them, their happiness so tangible and I wanted to reach out and grab it.
I was reminded of the joy I used to feel before I lost who I was, before I let my self-image be destroyed.
The two girls raced around the grass, their giggling tickling my ears, and I suddenly found myself craving that feeling like never before. I wanted to feel happy. I wanted to feel joyful.
I wanted to feel alive.
“Maybe,” I began, turning my attention back to the phone. “But I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you. Just stick with what you do best. Go to work, drink some whiskey, and fuck a bunch of whores. And, Decker—lose my number.”
I swiped the phone off and stuck it in my pocket.
If I let him rob me of happiness, I let him win. And he’s taken enough from me. All he has of me now is a box of photos and my phone number.
I had begun reclaiming my life and the only thing left to take back was my happiness. I knew that was going to be the hardest thing to claim.
It felt just barely within reach. My fingertips could brush against it if I extended my hand as far as it could possibly go, but I wasn’t sure I could grab it, make it mine.
I wasn’t sure when the last time was that I was truly happy.
It may have been in Vegas with my girlfriends a few months before college graduation.
We had drunk too much, danced too much, and laughed too much—and it was perfect.
Then again, it may have been the day before my fourteenth birthday.
Mom and I had gone shopping for spaghetti noodles for my birthday dinner.
Then she took me to the mall for a new outfit to wear to school the next day.
We picked out a light green dress with yellow swirls and pockets on the sides. She said it was very “Jackie-O.”
I only wore it once.
With one final glance at the little girls with the yellow ball, I started the walk back to Kari’s. Grabbing my phone from my pocket, I turned it on and googled my cell phone provider. After finding the number I needed, I dialed and waited to be connected.
“Hello. This is Jada Stanley and I need to get my phone number changed, please.”