Chapter 44
FORTY-FOUR
Jada
I sat on the couch in the living room the next morning, nursing my cup of coffee and trying to figure out what to do.
I had managed to avoid the question of going home the night before.
It was fairly easy because Cane kept my mind and body occupied most of the night.
But it was a new day, and I knew it was do or die time.
A decision is going to have to be made.
I knew, without a doubt, that Cane was the love of my life. Even as I thought back to Decker, I never loved him like I loved Cane. But, just like it was with Decker, my love wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t my feelings that had me questioning everything. It was his.
He was acting like everything was fine, that he was in love with me. But I was worried, sick even, that it was just because he felt relieved that Simon was behind bars … and guilty for putting me in such a precarious position.
He had lied to me. He had kept things from me. He seemed like he was pulling away from me … and Ashley had been in his office.
Those sorts of things are exactly what Decker did before the end. If things with Cane ended as they did with my ex-husband, I would be completely and utterly destroyed. Gutted. Annihilated.
I set my coffee cup down on the table and put my head into my hands, praying that I would wake up and this would all be sorted and that someone would make the decision for me. But I knew that wouldn’t happen.
I felt him watching me before I could see him, his gaze causing the neurons in my body to go spastic. I sat up not looking up as I felt him come closer.
The sofa dipped with his weight as he sat beside me, not giving me a choice but to look. He sat there, wrapped from the waist below in a purple towel, watching me intently.
“Good morning, beautiful girl.”
I smiled softly, his grin crushing me. My heart was heavy, like a set of strings was jerking it around that I couldn’t control.
“Max just sent me a text to make sure I made it through the night.” He winked, trying to lighten the situation. “I told him so far, so good.”
“He and Kari are leaving today, right?” I asked hesitantly.
“Yeah. They are on their way to the airport now, I think.”
I looked at the floor again, my heart beginning to sink.
I wasn’t ready to think about everything else.
With Kari and Max leaving, it was going to be a matter of time, minutes perhaps, until Cane wanted to return to Arizona.
I just wasn’t sure what to do. If I go back, will I be throwing myself into the same dynamic I’ve been trying to avoid?
But if I don’t, will I regret it? Possibly for the rest of my life?
“What? What’s going on?” He took my hands in his and squeezed. “Jada, talk to me.”
“I know Simon is gone now, but … even before I left, before all of the Simon stuff came to light to me”—I raised my eyebrows, driving home my point—“I was worried.”
“About what?”
“That you were pulling away. Maybe it was because of Simon, since you obviously knew more than I did. Or maybe your new project at work. I don’t know. But then seeing Ashley in your office set fire to insecurity that had been trying to turn into a wildfire on its own.”
“No. That’s crazy talk.”
I forced a swallow. “Crazy or not, that’s what I’m thinking. You asked.” I spun my ring on my finger.
“Yes, I knew about Simon when you did not, and I had a lot going with that. Yes, my new project at work has been a giant pain in the fucking ass, but it will be worth it in the end.” He stroked my cheek with his thumb, his voice softening.
“But the Ashley thing is bullshit. Plain and fucking simple.”
I smiled shakily, almost afraid to believe what he was saying.
Like he could read my thoughts, Cane smiled. “Believe it.”
“I want to. I never wanted anything more than I do for this to work, but—”
“But?” He sat upright, the fire back in his eyes.
The Cane I remembered was back. “There are no fucking buts, Jada. I’m sick and tired of feeling like my life is over.
I haven’t seen the sun shine since you left.
I didn’t know what it even looked like until I saw you in that restaurant, and I never want to go a day without it now.
” He took a deep breath. “I should have been honest with you from the start. But I wasn’t.
And I take responsibility for that. But I’m also taking responsibility for our future, Jada.
Our future. Because my future doesn’t exist if you aren’t in it. ”
The tears I had been fighting welled up again.
“I may not be perfect, but I am real, Jada. I’m going to fuck up again, probably. But I told you once I would never hurt you on purpose, and I haven’t. And I won’t. Ever.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling as though I’d been stripped raw. He held me tight against him, crushing our bodies together.
“I haven’t seen the sun shine since you left … Because my future doesn’t exist without you.”
I held on for dear life—for my hopes, my dreams, my fears, and for our future.
“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you think is perfect doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have. And I love you with everything I am, Jada,” he whispered.
I pulled away from his embrace far too soon, but I couldn’t allow myself to get hauled back into things without really thinking them through on my own terms.
“When are you planning on leaving?” I asked, looking out the window.
He smiled. “As soon as you’re ready to go home with me.”
I shook my head sadly. “Cane, I don’t think I can go now.”
He sat up straight, his eyes wild. “What do you mean you’re not going now?”
My eyes caught a pic of Heather and Brian kissing and laughing at what appeared to be a concert venue. That is how these things should be.
“I’m not going to Arizona,” I said softly.
“Okay. So you want to wait a few days? I understand that.”
His voice was full of hope that I had to shatter.
I turned to look at him, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Cane,” I began, “please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“This doesn’t have to be hard at all. You go pack your stuff, and we get on a plane and go home.” He bit his lip as he watched my reaction. His mannerisms betrayed the coolness of his voice.
I had to look away from him before I spoke. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I had to ensure that whatever I did was right. If this wasn’t going to work out, I wanted to know now while I could restart easily and not be completely wrecked.
“There’s just a lot of stuff that I haven’t had time to process. I don’t want to run back to Arizona and pretend everything’s perfect. Decker lied to me, hid things from me so many times, and I just listened to his apologies, and I—”
“I’m not fucking Decker! You can’t punish me for what he did to you.”
“I’m not punishing you for what he did to me, Cane. I’m learning from what he did to me. And now that you’re doing things that are very, very similar, I have to change the way I react. Otherwise, that’s the definition of insanity.”
“Jada,” he said as he knelt in front of me, “please don’t do this.”
I looked into those blue eyes that I loved, the ones that made me feel safe and adored. There was a storm brewing. My chest burned with the feeling that I had caused that. “I’m looking out for myself. That’s all.”
“I want to look after you. You’re my girl.”
I smiled sadly. It was hard to hold myself together while I broke his heart.
I knew I had to be strong and say what needed to be said.
No time for more tears right now. “I love you. I just—I have to make sure this is the right thing. I’m not saying I won’t go back.
I’m just saying I need a little time to breathe. ”
“You need time to breathe? Fine. Do it from Tempe. But I’ll be damned if we have gone through all of this for you to back out now.”
“Cane, don’t do this to me. Don’t make this harder.”
“What do you want me to do, Jada?” he asked, his eyes blazing. “Do you want me to just walk away and not fight for you? Not fucking beg you to come with me? Because that’s what I can’t do. I won’t ever do that. You can’t expect me to fucking do that!”
I leaned back on the sofa, my eyes wide. “That’s not your decision to make.”
“The fuck it isn’t.” He leaned forward, resting one of his hands on my knee.
“I’ve gone my whole fucking life and never had this, never thought it was possible to have this.
And now that I do, I won’t give it up. I won’t, baby.
Everything I have done—every-fucking-thing—has been to protect you, to give you what you deserve.
I won’t back down now. I won’t lose you over this.
Especially when I know you love me, too. ”
He stood, running his hand through his hair. I knew his brain was working overtime, the wheels turning wildly. “You want time?” He shrugged. “Fine. I’ll be in your room packing my shit.”
The lump that had been plaguing me formed again as his words hit home. He was really going to leave me.
It’s what I wanted.
“But I’ll be ordering our tickets home in about an hour. So go ahead and get your thoughts together or whatever you want to do. Because I am not leaving without you. Period.”
Smirking, he turned on his heel and walked down the hallway.
This is the Cane I know. My Cane. The Cane who won’t take no for an answer.
And that was when I realized something significant. Decker tried to control me to dominate me. To make me feel stronger about himself. Cane, though, was taking control so he could give more of himself to me.
Was that more selfless than Decker? Yes, a thousand times yes.
My body flooded with warmth, the tears changing from sorrow to love in a second as I watched him walk down the hallway.
“My future doesn’t exist without you in it.”
I recalled the flower from Pinnacle Peak.
I need to fight for what I want, not against what I need.
“What if I say no?” I asked, trying to stay mad but fighting a grin.