33. The Crumbling House #3
“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s not.”
“It’s—”
“For us, Junie. If you want it. If you’ll take the risk with me. I’ve held on to this piece of land, even when it would’ve been easier to sell it because I knew in my heart it was always meant to hold something…more. I’ve been holding on to it because it was meant for us. It’s always been ours.”
I must sway on my feet because Cole reaches out a hand to steady me. It’s the only time he’s touched me, and it’s over before I process the shock to my heart.
Slowly, I slip off my flip-flops and lower myself to the edge of the dock.
It seems to have become a thing since I’ve been here. I never went barefoot in Boston.
The wood under my thighs is warm from the sun and old from years of use.
Cole sits down beside me, then places his hands on his thighs.
The poor guy doesn’t even know what to do with his hands, but he won’t allow them to do the talking either, so instead, he holds on.
“I’m so sorry, Junie. And I’m even sorrier that I don’t know, when it comes to your parents, if I would do anything differently if I had to do it all over again.
But I do know that I wouldn’t run. I shouldn’t have the first time.
I was young and scared. I’m not scared anymore. ”
“Cole.”
“I’m sorry that after everything, you were still hurt by your mother’s words.
I’m sorry that I adopted your father’s mess and that it will take time to unravel.
I’m sorry that I didn’t see how Natalie hurt you and that I allowed her to make the rules that hurt you more.
And I’m so fucking sorry that I hurt you when all I wanted to do was protect you. ”
“Cole.”
“Junie.” There’s such a sweet smile in his tone that I almost cry.
What I’m about to say will break his heart. I know it because I’ll feel it too. But I don’t know any other way forward.
“I’m here, Cole, but I don’t know in what capacity. I—I still think we need a break, but Boston held too many ghosts and I—my family’s here.”
Cole doesn’t flinch.
The flinching is the test.
Cole. Doesn’t. Flinch.
He doesn’t react. He doesn’t try to fix me. He sits there, breathing in time with the lapping of waves, keeping both hands flat on his thighs.
“Tell me what you mean.” The vein in his neck bulges with each word, but he keeps his tone even.
“I don’t know who I am right now, Cole.” My throat burns.
“The Junie who showed up in your driveway at the end of May is gone. I’m not sad about that.
I’m just—I don’t know who replaced her yet.
In my head, I’m running a forensic accounting firm that doesn’t even exist. I’m letting Bea ask me questions I don’t have answers to.
I’m letting Katie lie in my bed with me while I cry. I-I’m a person I’ve never met.”
How do I explain this to him when I don’t even understand it myself?
Cole wraps his fingers around the edge of the dock, like he’s holding on or is ready to jump. I’m not sure because I can’t read him anymore either, not the way I used to.
“And—”
He turns his vibrant green eyes my way. For a moment—just a moment—I’m sixteen again, when everything hurt but felt so simple too.
“I look at you, and I—” I stare back out over the water.
“I worry you’re just as lost as I am. You spent six years organizing your whole life around protecting me.
Without that weight on your shoulders, do you even know what you want to do next?
You can’t. There hasn’t been enough time to figure it out.
As far as you knew, you’d be spending the rest of your life pushing me away to save me from a threat I didn’t know existed. ”
“Junie—”
“I’ve never saved myself, Cole. I have to learn to save myself.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I do though, and we can’t both figure out who we are for the first time in the same room without feeling the pressure of who we were to the other person.
What if in six months, we realize I’m so damaged by the hate I’ve held as my truth that you can’t stand the woman I become?
What if you realize you were always meant for companies like Meridian and women like Lola—”
“That’s never going to fucking happen.”
I hurt. This hurts so much.
“What if you realize your infatuation with me ended when your duty to me did? I can’t—I can’t stay just to lose you all over again, Cole. I can’t and I won’t.” I only stop because I’m out of breath.
“That,” he says slowly, “is the first thing you’ve said to me since the banquet that I can work with.”
“You-you can?” Fuck, why does that sucker punch me in the gut?
“I can. Not all of it. But part of it.”
“It’s true.” My defenses rise. Spite still lingers too close to the surface.
“Okay,” he says with a careless shrug. “Let’s say that it is true. All of it. Does that make the part where you want a break your fix or your trauma telling you to run?”
“I-I—” I’m blindsided by the one question I never anticipated.
Cole didn’t flinch. I did.
“I’m going to ask you something, Junie. Not to argue with you or try to fix you. I’m just going to ask. Got it?”
God. Is he trying to piss me off? “Yeah, got it.”
When he turns his head, I can see the hint of a smirk trying to break free. If it does, I will absolutely shove him off this dock.
“What will we learn about ourselves while apart that we couldn’t learn together?”
So. Much. I had a whole system. A spreadsheet of reasons. But when I try to recall my list, I come up blank. Delete all. Poof. Gone.
“Because I’ve already done it your way, baby.” The endearment is the least offensive thing he’s said so far. “I lived without you for six years. I thought I needed to figure out how to fix everything without dragging you into the mess of it.”