Chapter 21
There is still some time before I have to get ready for the bachelorette party. I decide to go down to the beach and sit and read a book that has been burning a hole in my Tbr pile for way too long. I am completely immersed in my psychological thriller when I hear a disgruntled, “Hey.”
My body dramatically convulses. “Oh my God, you scared me. When did you get back?”
When I look at Aidan, his hands are in his pockets and he is gazing out into the ocean, avoiding eye contact. He kicks some sand with his flip-flop before he sits next to me. “Just a few minutes ago. And sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” His voice is flat. Deflecting, he asks, “What are you reading?”
“Um, nothing important.” I close my book quickly and set it aside. I am kind of scared to ask the next question, but I can tell Aidan was affected by something that just happened to him. He is off-center like I’ve never seen him before. It’s a different kind of shift than what I witnessed with the Natasha fiasco. He looks like a little boy, struggling to find the words to something that legitimately bothers him. Needing validation from an adult that his feelings are real. I have a sudden urge to fix anything that is wrong with Aidan at this moment, just to spare my eyes from seeing this wonderful man in such distress. “Aidan, what’s wrong? What errand did you have to go do?”
“My dad contacted me and wanted to meet me for lunch. Down in Connecticut.”
His dad?From what I gathered from our conversation in his apartment, he despised his dad. Why would he go and meet him?
“Okay,” I say trepidatiously. “What did he want?”
Aidan shakes his head and lets out a laugh. “That is the question, isn’t it?” He stands up and puts his hands back in his pockets, still not looking at me. He looks out into the ocean again as if it holds the answer he needs. Like it is housing a secret key to a locked box that he is considering opening. But the way he’s acting makes me think he’s going to unleash the contents of his own personal Pandora’s box.
“Aidan, what happened?”
“Oh you know, same old Steven Stone. Just when I thought I escaped him forever, he weasels back into my life.”
I still don’t understand, and it pains me to see Aidan in this kind of affliction. I stand up and join him where the water meets the sand, allowing the ocean to wash up to our feet, with a childlike hope that it will cleanse us of our ailments. I just stand there, silent, letting Aidan take the lead of this conversation. From what I’ve gathered about his father, I have a feeling that Aidan never really had control until he was an adult and could literally get himself out of a toxic situation.
Aidan takes a deep breath. “He wanted to apologize for everything he’s done to me. To my mom. He is on some sort of redemption tour and I was one of the stops. And the sucky thing about all of this, Hales, is that he was still fucking drinking as he was saying how sorry he was for the pathetic, drunk person he was to me and my mom.” He is starting to pace along the shoreline, each step getting erased by the water, hopefully washing away all this hurt. “He was working with some paparazzi to get pictures of him and me together. He’s in such dire circumstances that he conspired with the very people who try to expose everything about me just to make some money. He doesn’t fucking care about me or my mom. And you want to know what the cherry on top of this fucked-up sundae is?”
“What?” I swallow hard, knowing that what Aidan is about to say next is the real reason he is so upset and conflicted.
“My dad is dying, Hales.”
A rush of memories floods my mind. It is like I am stuck in the undercurrent of the wave and getting tossed and turned in every direction, unable to find my way out. The sound of the flatline replaces the soothing waves crashing at our feet. My mother’s voice replaces the flatline. Dad’s dying, Hales. I want to throw up again. Just like I did when I got the life-altering news. Just like I did when he died.
“Aidan, I…”
“His liver is failing and he asked me if I could see if I am a match and it sucks because no matter how much I fucking hate him…”
“He’s still your dad.”
“Yeah.” Aidan looks into my eyes for the first time since he met me on this beach. We stand there, looking at each other, searching for what to say next. I honestly don’t know what to say to him. And then he asks me the question I am dreading the most: “What should I do?”
“Aidan, I can’t answer that or make this decision for you.” I need to be honest with him because that is how our working relationship always operated. I am never afraid or intimidated by Aidan. I always have felt I could share my thoughts about what was going on in his career or the roles that he has decided to take. But when it comes to the personal stuff, I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I had a right to say anything.
But the thing about that logic is that everything has changed for us. And he is asking me for my advice.
“I know what I would do if it was my dad. I would do anything to save his life.”
Aidan rubs his forehead, clearly conflicted by my answer.
“But,” I continue, “I had a very different relationship with my dad than you have with yours. I know that this is a complicated situation for you. I can’t imagine being in your shoes.” I suddenly feel an overwhelming need to go over to Aidan and give him a hug. Two weeks ago, my body wouldn’t allow me to step near Aidan in that capacity.
But like I said before, everything has changed.
I inch closer to Aidan and wrap my arms around him, tightening my grasp as hard as I can. He returns the hug and holds me just as tight. This hug feels different than all the other physical interactions we’ve had of late. It isn’t fueled by inexplicable tension. It is purely platonic. Friendly. Comforting.
I open my eyes toward the horizon and see a faint rainbow making its timely appearance. “Do you want to know why I have a tattoo of a rainbow on the side of my torso?”
“I do. Ever since I saw it earlier, I wanted to know.”
“Whenever I was having a bad day, or my anxiety was getting the best of me, my dad would tell me, Look for the rainbows. He told me that rainbows are a sign of hope and promise. They are the beautiful prize that awaits us after the storm of life. They are there to assure us that there will always be beauty and clarity following times of doubt. Times of tribulations and trials. He told me that whenever I felt uneasy or felt like I couldn’t escape what was bothering me, to look for rainbows. Search for the rainbows in life because they are always going to pull you through the dark times. Growing up, I thought that was so corny of my dad to say.” I smile as I see my dad’s face when I close my eyes. Small droplets of tears escape my blinking eyes. “Now, it’s the advice that I hold closest to my heart. Right before he died, he told me to look for him in the rainbows, Haley Girl.”
Aidan pulls away just enough so he can see my face fully. I finally am brave enough to look at him after this confession. I expect him to look at me with pity in his eyes. But it isn’t a look of pity that I see. It almost looks like admiration and wonder.
“I guess I wanted a permanent reminder of him. Even though I knew my dad would always be with me in moments of happiness, sadness, all of the above – I needed physical proof that he is always with me. Hence the tattoo. And whenever I see rainbows like that one over there,” I gestured my head toward the faint rainbow, “I know that my dad is watching over me and everything that I was worrying about vanishes.”
“Thank you for sharing that with me, Hales.”
“Of course. I just figured that since you had a tough day, you needed to see the hope at the end of it. It’s not going to stay terrible forever.” I place my hand on his chest and continue, “And back to your question: I don’t have a clear answer for you and honestly, it’s not my place, Aidan. You know your dad better than anyone and you are under no obligation to give any part of yourself – organs or otherwise – to a person who always sees you as ‘less than’ and has already taken pieces of you that you can never get back. I understand that. That being said, if you decide that you do want to help him, then I don’t think anyone will judge you for that.”
“My mom will. And I have to protect my mom, Hales. I don’t want this to open the door to any line of future communication with him or involvement in my life because my mom is so important to me. She is the one who raised me into the man I am today. My dad’s lifestyle choices led him to this very moment. The choice to drink. The choice to beat my mom. The choice to beat me. All behind closed doors. All the while he was pretending to be an upstanding lawyer in court and prosecuting people who were doing the exact same things he was doing. He was such a hypocrite. Is such a hypocrite.” He pauses, “He is the face of all the demons I have inside of me. Demons that I hope will never come out. They started to rear their ugly heads after Natasha. I was turning into him and it was a hell I don’t want to enter again. I didn’t recognize myself and I realized that my biggest fear in life was emulating my father. I don’t want to be him.”
“You won’t, Aidan. You are leaps and bounds from being like your father. Yeah, maybe you lost yourself for a while, but you have the strength to pull yourself out of it. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.” He halfway smirks and I tug a little at the back of his shirt. “Remind me if I ever see your mom again, to thank her for raising such an incredible man. A man who puts her well-being first more than his. She would be proud of you. But I will say that your mom is stronger than you might be giving her credit for, and I don’t think she would allow your dad back into her life in any way. You get your strength from her, Aidan. Not your dad. Don’t underestimate your mom. So I am going to say it again: if you do decide to get tested to see if you are a match for your father, that will be okay. She will be okay. Either way you choose, that will be the right choice for you.” I lace my fingers through Aidan’s hands. “Find the rainbow.”
The wind is starting to pick up a little and my hair keeps getting stuck on my lips and getting into my eyes. Aidan looks at me intently, brushes my wild hair out of my face, tucks the strands behind my ear, and says, “I’m beginning to think that you are my–”
“Haley!!! Get your sexy ass in this house so we can get ready for tonight, girlie!” Anna yells from the balcony directly outside the bedroom Aidan and I are sharing. “Hi, Charming.”
I roll my eyes. “Oh Anna. Always with the perfect timing.” Both Aidan and I seem to sigh at the same time. I point my thumb back toward the house and say, “Um, sorry. I better go. I have been summoned by the bride. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes. I’m going to be fine. I just have a lot to think about. It’s okay, go be with Anna. You girls have fun. Don’t get in too much trouble.”
“I won’t, I promise. It’s Anna who we have to worry about getting into trouble. You know how impulsive she can be, from personal experience,” I say, referencing her initial introduction to him. I feel a tinge of possessiveness in my gut, like I never want to see Aidan kiss another girl ever again. Even if it is a part of his job. Maybe we can negotiate that in my contract when we return to L.A.
I reluctantly leave Aidan’s side, jog back to where I was reading and pick up my book and blanket.
In the midst of the wind, I hear Aidan yell, “Hey Hales!”
I quickly turn to face Aidan. I know it’s unfair to leave him like this, especially with him looking the way he does, but I have a feeling he’s telling me the truth. He really is okay for the time being. I know he is going to make the right decision for him. “Yeah?”
As if he is superhuman – a thought that has certainly crossed my mind over the past two weeks – he is at my side in .02 milliseconds. That scared little boy is now replaced by an enlightened man. He kisses the top of my forehead and says, “Thank you for being you.”