Chapter 34
“How much longer do I have to stay? I really just want to go back to the Airbnb, open a pint of Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream and a bottle of wine, and watch Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen get drunk on national television.”
This is torture. Everyone around me is coupled-up. Most people at this party are happily drunk, wearing those silly glasses with the year on the front and party hats. Why did Anna and Dan drag me to this stupid New Year’s Eve party? Granted, I’ve been lying on my bed most nights for the past four months, going over and over in my head about how stupid I was for getting into bed, literally and figuratively, with Aidan Stone.
How I hated myself for still wearing his stupid oversized UConn shirt that I found in my suitcase while I was unpacking. I hate that I want to keep him close by wearing it, as if it is some magical shirt that would send a damn signal saying come back to me. I hate that I can still smell the rain pounding the streets of New York, that I can still smell the candle that was burning when Aidan almost kissed me in his apartment during the blackout. I hate that I can still feel his hands all over my body and all the sweet kisses he has given me. It’s like they are imprinted on my body forever.
I hate that I scroll through Instagram and stop on whatever news item mentions Aidan’s name. I am watching his life through pictures now, rather than being in his life. I can feel him forget me. He stopped trying to call and text months ago. He probably thinks I’m not worth it.
Yet again, I wasn’t enough.
The only silver lining during these months of torment was that call I got from the studio about how they got a hold of my script– that I finally and bravely submitted –and they loved the story. They want to make it into a miniseries, which is huge right now with all the major streaming services and entertainment in general. I jumped around in my room in excitement, blasting Taylor Swift and singing at the top of my lungs, knowing that all of my dreams were coming true and that moving out to L.A. was not a waste. The only problem was that the silver lining was attached to a dark gray cloud: the daily reminder that I can’t share my excitement with the man I truly still loved more than anything. He started to become a big part of my dream. Now he was probably making dreams with someone else.
I hate that I don’t know how to live my life without missing Aidan. And he’s probably moved on with someone much hotter than me. Someone who looks great next to him with no effort at all. He’s probably at some fancy L.A. party right now, canoodling with the next hot, up-and-coming actress, one who won’t run away when she gets scared that it’s turning into something real. I hate that Aidan was right: I was running away out of fear.
If only he knew how much I want to run back into his strong arms and stay there forever.
“We have thirty minutes until midnight. Just stick it out, okay?” Anna and Dan are standing together, both drinking champagne. They also are wearing those silly hats and glasses. They look annoyingly cute together, as always.
“Why? So I can watch everyone else share a kiss with their date while I stand alone in the corner, miserable?” I cross my arms and lean against the bar.
“No, because I don’t know, maybe someone will want to kiss you at midnight. You never know, Hales. You might be surprised.” Dan weirdly clears his throat and nudges Anna’s side. They exchange looks like they know something I don’t.
But that only happens in fairy tales. In romantic comedies. This is real life and there is no Harry coming to get Sally back. I lost my Harry months ago. There is only one person who I want to kiss me at midnight. But it’s never going to happen. No one is going to walk through that door professing his love for me.
Fifteen minutes later, I am still standing at the bar, this time with a drink in my hand.
“Hi. I’m Zach.”
I gulp down my drink and turn toward the man next to me. He is really handsome, tall and with a cute smile. Eyes like emeralds, complimenting his olive skin. Despite all of those things, my heart doesn’t leap one bit nor do shivers make their way through my body. That’s the other thing about dating the sexiest man alive–no other man compares.
“Hi.” I give a quick smile.
“Aren’t you going to tell me your name?”
Did I seriously revert back to my awkward social self in only four months? “Oh, sorry. Yes. I’m Haley.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Haley. Would you like to dance with me?”
Why the hell not? I have no other prospects. At this rate, I’m going to end up like Charlotte from Pride and Prejudice, marry someone like Mr. Collins just so I won’t end up an old maid. It’s not like Mr. Darcy is going to walk through that meadow and tell me how much his sentiments have not changed.
“Sure.”
Zach flashes a smile and leads me out to the dance floor. We haven’t been dancing long when someone bumps into me. I turn–it’s Anna.
“Oh sorry. Haley, who is this?” Anna’s eyes look panicked, crazed, as if I am the one acting crazy. This woman desperately needs to look into a mirror. She’s been acting strange all night.
“Um, this is Zach.” I give her what the hell are you doing? eyes.
“Uh huh, and what are you doing with Zach?” Her eyes dart from Zach to me and then to the door.
What the hell is going on?
I gave a courteous smile to Zach and say, “Zach, can you hold on for just one second?”
“Sure.”
“Thanks.” My smile disappears as I grab Anna’s hand and pull her away from Dan and into the hallway.
“Okay. What the hell is going on? First you wanted me to stay so that maybe some guy would come and kiss me at midnight, and then when that guy comes along, you act like I am crazy to be dancing and making conversation with him. What if Zach is the love of my life? You are getting in the way of that!”
“Yeah he’s a guy, but he’s not the right guy.”
“What are you talking about? What do you mean he’s not the right guy?” This was ridiculous. I shake my head and say, “I am going back out there to continue dancing with Zach and hopefully he will kiss me at midnight because I need him to, Anna. I need to get over Aidan. I need the memory of Aidan’s lips on mine to be erased; otherwise, I won’t be able to fully breathe ever again. Just let me have this, okay?”
“Okay,” she says, clearly deflated. She sighs and looks down at her Apple watch and then back down the hallway.
Gosh she is acting strange.
I make my way back to the tall drink of water waiting patiently for me in the middle of the dance floor. He really is handsome. Kind of a Jackson Avery look to him. At the very least, I am going to be kissed at midnight. At the very best, this man could be the one for me. He reaches out his hand and grabs mine, pulls me in and glides me across the dance floor.
Five minutes left until midnight and for some reason, something feels off. I don’t want to be here. In another man’s arms. Dancing to Frank Sinatra. TVs are broadcasting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest. The ball is about to drop and ring in the new year. One of new promises. New hopes. New resolutions that are most likely not going to be fulfilled by next December. This all feels wrong. There is something in the universe pulling me away from this man.
Two minutes.
I grab Zach’s arms and stop our movements altogether. “Zach. I’m sorry. You seem like a really sweet guy. Thank you so much for dancing with me tonight and making me feel special. You are going to make some woman very happy. You are such a gentleman. I just need to leave.”
“Really? It’s almost midnight.”
“I know, but I just can’t be here. I’m sorry, I have to go.”
I start walking away. Anna runs up to me and grabs my hand. “Wait, Hales, where are you going?”
“I’m sorry, Anna. I can’t do this. I seriously just want to go back to the Air BnB and put on sweats and watch a movie or something until you both get back.”
“No you have to stay! Please.”
“I can’t. You guys have fun, okay? I’ll see you in the new year.” I kiss her on the cheek and turn around, making my way through the crowd of people.
One minute.
I glance back at the dance floor. Zach already has a new woman in his arms. Great. Anna and Dan are talking to each other and shrugging, probably agreeing that I am a lost cause and they tried their best.
The next thing I know, I run into a rock-hard chest. “Oh my God, I am so sorry.”
“Why is it that you are always running into me, Hales?”
My heart starts to beat wildly. The butterflies that have been dormant for months now are fluttering again in my stomach. It can’t be. But every fiber of my being knows that it is him.
The deep teal color of his eyes is all I need as confirmation. Those eyes have haunted me in the best and worst ways every time I’ve closed my eyes these past four months. My body becomes tingly and hot and my head starts spinning.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m here for you.”
My insides turn to mush, but my head stubbornly wants to win this fight. Self-preservation mode engaged. “Well, I am on my way out, so if you’ll excuse me.”
Aidan blocks in my path.
“Aidan, move out of my way.”
“Not until you agree to listen to what I have to say.”
“I don’t really have any interest in what you have to say.” I can feel the smallest crinkle between my brow. I am half-angry and half-wanting to just bawl in front of the most beautiful man I’ve ever known. Hell, the world has ever known. But this is the kind of emotional limbo I’ve been trapped in for months now.
“Then I’m not moving,” Aidan says with a small, smug grin. Does he think that ridiculously attractive smirk is going to change my mind? Well, maybe. But that’s besides the point. I absolutely am not going to let it. Maybe in the past those tactics would have worked on me, but not today. Not after everything that’s happened. I am channeling an Amazonian woman now and will bulldoze my way out of this situation. I do wish I had a lasso I could throw around him to make sure I’m getting the truth. The truth is hard to come by these days, even with all the “transparency” of social media. If I learned anything from “dating” Aidan, it’s that what you see in the pictures certainly does not tell the whole truth.
Despite all of this, I know deep down that Aidan will let me go. He isn’t a psycho. But for the life of me, I can’t get my feet to lift off the ground and walk away from him. That magnetic force is back and stronger than ever.
I cross my arms to come off like I am annoyed, which don’t get me wrong–I am. Annoyed that he came back into my life, right when I finally felt like I was on solid ground. Why does this man have the innate ability to simultaneously make the world crumble at my feet and be my fricken world? “Fine. Proceed. You have thirty seconds before I walk right past you and go…”
“Home, put your pajamas on, eat Ben and Jerry’s and watch When Harry Met Sally for the thousandth time?”
Damn he’s good. My jaw drops and eyes narrow. “How do you know I don’t have a hot date waiting for me at another location? You don’t know me, Aidan Stone.”
He steps forward, dangerously close, and stops when we are mere inches from each other. The familiar scent of sandalwood and musk infiltrates my senses. My heart quickens at the sheer masculinity permeating from Aidan. I didn’t realize how much I missed him standing next to me. He isn’t even touching me and my body is on fire again. I look around and thankfully everyone’s eyes are on the TVs, watching the ball drop in Times Square, and not plastered to us.
He steps a little closer and my core heats up and does that stupid flippy thing again. “I beg to differ, Haley Swann. I feel like I know you like no one does. I know that you are a Swiftie, even though you pretend you’re not. I know that you love creamer more than you love coffee in your mug every morning. I know that you are the most talented writer I’ve ever met. I know that you get a cute little crinkle between your eyebrows when you are upset. I know that you bite your lower lip while you are contemplating something that’s important to you or when you are too afraid to say what you’re thinking.” He shouldn’t know that look yet. “I know that you hate being the center of attention, and you are willing to sacrifice your own peace for the peace of others. I know that you love your family unconditionally, even the ones who aren’t blood.” His eyes avert for a millisecond over to where Anna and Dan are standing. Then something clicks in my brain. Of fricken course. No wonder Anna was acting weird all night and saying things like the right guy. She was waiting for the guy in front of me. They planned this out.
I look back up at Aidan and start saying, “Unbeliev….”
Before I can finish the word, he then brushes his finger across my lips. “I still have twenty seconds, Swann.” And there is that smirk again–only this time, he leans down a little closer to my face, so our noses almost touch. My knees are starting to buckle. Even my own body is revolting against my will. Amazonian woman my ass.
“I know that you always put others first, even when you don’t have to. I know that you love to sing, even though you pretend like you have the worst voice in the world. That’s right, I heard you in the shower.”
My cheeks turn bright red at that observation.
“I know you bring out the best in people. You certainly have with me.”
I am about to protest, but his finger finds my lips again.
“And even though you think I am saying all this to win you back or you think I am lonely or it’s a cliche time to do this, and even though you pretend like you don’t want to hear it, the truth is that all the things I know about you…I also love about you, Hales.”
My heart pounds uncontrollably, so loud that I swear that the entire room can hear it over the countdown.
Ten seconds.
“You were my rainbow in the storm that was my life, Haley Swann. And I love you.”
Five seconds.
Aidan Stone just said he loves me. He never stopped loving me.
Three.
Me. Haley Swann.
Two.
The girl who wasn’t enough for anyone.
One.
The girl who only wrote about happily ever afters, and never got one of her own.
“Happy New Year!”
As fireworks go off in Times Square, some are exploding in my belly, desperately wanting to reveal themselves to the man who just professed his love for me.
And yet, my defenses shut down every firework like water to flames. Who does he think he is?
I shake my head and halfway scoff, trying to reconstruct my walls in mere seconds, walls that I worked so hard to rebuild since he broke them down the last time. “Classic Aidan Stone, thinking you can walk in here on New Year’s Eve and expect to win me back. Just tell me that you love me and think that will work? Well I have news for you, Stone, it’s going to take a lot more than that to ever win me back. This isn’t the movies.” I cross my arms once more and hope he won’t see through my bullshit. At this moment I wish I were the actor, convincing the audience that what I am saying is true.
But that’s the thing about Aidan. He could always see right through my pretenses.
Aidan inches even closer to me. His lips are almost touching mine as Auld Lang Syne plays in the background.
Stay strong, Haley. Stay strong.
“No, babe,” Aidan says softly. “This is real life. I want everything that happens after the happily-ever-after. I want to be the man your dad told you to be with. The one who regards you as his whole world. And just for the record, I plan to remind you of all the ways that I adore the ground you walk on until you forgive me. I plan to love every part of you…no matter how long it takes, because you are worth fighting for. You are more than enough for me. You are my entire universe, Hales.”
I can feel his lips slightly brush against mine. That is it, I am done for.
“Dammit Aidan, you say things like that and…” I look up at his pleading, blissfully hopeful eyes, trying to blink away tears in my eyes in the process.
“And what, beautiful?” Aidan places his hand on my jaw and lightly runs the tips of his fingers through my hair. He has me and he knows it.
“...you make it impossible for me to not love you, too.”
And there it is. The radiant smile I’ve desperately missed all of these months of being apart. The smile that lights up my world, no matter what is going on any given day. The smile of the man I am irrevocably and unreservedly in love with.
Aidan closes the miniscule gap between us and presses his lips to mine. And my god have I missed his warm, soft lips on mine. Even though we have kissed so many times before, this one feels different. It is loaded with so many I’m sorry’s on both ends, so many unfiltered desires, so many hopes for the future. This kiss isn’t for a show. This kiss isn’t for the cameras.
This kiss is for us.
I try to pull away so I can look at Aidan, but he doesn’t let me. He grasps the back of my head and pulls me in closer, making it near impossible to escape his lips. It was stupid of me to even try because it is finally our turn to have the fairytale kiss. The kiss all the little girls and teenagers see and wish they would have one day. The kiss that makes you melt with every movement. The kiss that signals to your heart that this is it. The kiss that makes you think you are in the best dream ever and you don’t want to wake up. This is a kiss that writers write about in romances. Except I am about to wake myself up for another realization that flashes in my brain. I reluctantly break our kiss and say, almost breathlessly, “It was you.”
That mischievous smirk returns, only this time, Aidan’s teal eyes are on fire, hungrily awaiting my lips to return to his. After he doesn’t respond, I add, “You were the one who greenlit my manuscript.”
“No, Netflix greenlit your manuscript. I was simply the messenger.” Then he squints his eyes like he is trying to remember something difficult. “And maybe I said a thing or two about how it would be the biggest mistake of their lives if they didn’t give you a shot. And I told them to never mention that I brought them the manuscript or else I would back out as a producer indefinitely.”
Producer? Suddenly it is all making sense. He worried I wouldn’t accept the offer if I knew it was because of him. But now, knowing that he played a major part in getting my script into the right hands–it makes all of it so much sweeter. He knew why I moved out to L.A. in the first place. Other than escaping my past, it was to start a future as a writer. He literally made my dream come true.
“I don’t know what to say or do to repay you. I don’t deserve you.”
“You don’t have to say or do anything, Hales. And when are you going to get it through that stubborn head of yours–it’s not that you don’t deserve me. It’s quite the opposite, baby girl–it’s me who doesn’t deserve you. And I will live out the rest of my days wondering why the universe conspired with me to find you. I’m just so grateful that it did.”
Even though at this point I sense that cameras are flashing, videos are being taken, and eyes are glued to our scene, I don’t care. I realize that no matter how many people are yelling our names to look at them for a picture, no matter how many exes try to weasel their way back into our lives, no matter what the tabloids claim, I have found my home with Aidan. He is my safe space. He is the one who grounds me when I feel like spiraling out of control with my anxiety and intrusive thoughts–he silences them.
He is the one I want to call mine.
I slide my arms up around Aidan’s neck and tiptoe slightly to reach his lips. I squeal when Aidan cups my ass and lifts me into his arms. I wrap my legs around his immaculate torso, and he grabs the back of my neck to ensure that my lips never leave his–so passionate, so demanding. I want to get completely lost in his kisses for the rest of time. His lips, his tongue, the sounds he makes when I kiss him with equal measure all consume me.
And I will happily let his kisses consume me, because I’m not planning on leaving behind this man ever again.
Whether he knows it or not, he is my rainbow in this crazy storm of life, too.