Chapter 23 Freija
Freija
I lay in bed, nestled within the sheets and blankets, and stared at the ceiling.
What happened last night repeated itself in my dreams on a continuous loop.
The way Halvar’s lips moved against mine.
The strength of his grasp on the back of my neck.
The shuddered breaths that slipped from him as if I had saved him, not the other way around.
Pressing my hand to my chest, I sucked in another breath. My heart beat wildly at the thoughts running through my mind. The embarrassment of being caught had subsided with sleep and in its place rested a need for more. A need I could quench by myself but wanted him here for.
Pull yourself together, Freija.
I shouldn’t though. Shouldn’t ask him to join me in my bed. Doing so would be giving in to the maddening temptation and admitting that I did, indeed, have some sort of feelings for the mountain’s guardian.
Then there was the way he’d incorporated my research goals and project into his security plans.
We could have gone anywhere in the country, or beyond, and yet he chose south so I could get my work done.
He’d been paying attention. Maybe even agreed with my study and goals for the Fjell Fae’s future sustenance sources.
A gentle knock sounded against my door, and I stilled. It didn’t sound like any of the soldiers—they usually knocked much harder, and Halvar often forgot to knock at all.
Sliding out of bed, I grabbed a tasseled shawl from the back of my chair and threw it around my shoulders. With the material grasped around me, I crossed the room and opened the door just enough to stick my head out.
My mother stood in the hallway, hands clasped at her waist, jewels perfectly positioned at her neck, and her hair pulled back in a chignon.
“Mother?”
“Good morning, Freija.”
I let the door fall open. “What are you… Is something the matter?”
She shook her head and motioned to my room. “May I come in?”
Stepping aside, I muttered, “Of course.”
What was she doing here? Had something happened? Was this about last night and the council meeting?
I shut the door behind her and tightened my hold on my shawl, gripping the delicate fabric.
“Come, now”—she motioned to the bed— “I wish to speak with you.”
She was too quiet. Moved too carefully. This did not bode well.
Without a settee in the room, the bed was the most comfortable place to sit, and Mother perched on the edge with a gentle smile.
I slid back on top of the sheets and grabbed a pillow, hugging it against my stomach like a shield.
“What did you want to talk about?” I asked.
“I heard about last night’s events and meeting from your father.”
Breath whooshed from me like a gust of wind. This was about the threat and meeting. “It was an eventful evening.”
“You poor dear.” Mother took one of my hands in hers. “From now on we will be much more vigilant with any parcels coming into the mountain for you.” She patted the back of my hand. “Thank goodness Halvar was on night watch.”
Yes, but let us not discuss what else he did on that night watch. I nodded, words unable to form, let alone come out of me.
“He has already seen to it that any deliveries to your room be inspected before you receive them.”
Straightening, I leaned against the headboard. The thick wooden slab with intricate nature motifs dug into my back. “That’s… That’s good. I’m assuming you heard about the results of the emergency council meeting too?”
“Mm-hmm.” She smoothed out her dress. “While I am sad that you will be leaving the mountain for a while, I’m glad that Halvar will be with you to keep you safe. Your father mentioned a small retinue of soldiers too, so I know you will be well cared for.”
I reached forward and held her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “It won’t be for too long, but it does give me a wonderful opportunity to do some good work for the mountain and our people.”
She squeezed my fingers in return. “That will be good, but you will forgive me for worrying. It’s a mother’s duty to do so. One you might know yourself someday… perhaps soon?”
I retracted my hand and narrowed my gaze. “What have you heard?”
“Oh not much,” she said with a sly grin. “Why don’t you get dressed for the day and tell me all about the past few weeks? With how busy you’ve been, we’ve barely been able to catch up.”
I nodded, slipped from my bed, and headed for my armoire and dressing screen. “I’m not sure there is much to discuss.”
“Nonsense. I’ve heard you’ve had plenty of interesting dinners and extensive training sessions.”
She was correct on both accounts. My arms certainly agreed as I pulled a light-blue, wool dress from my collection and disappeared behind the screen to change for the day.
Halvar’s training lessons had strengthened muscles I didn’t realize I had—and strained some of them too.
As a result, my poor attendant was constantly drawing me hot baths in the hopes that they might ease the aches and pains.
“So, is he the one?”
I peered around the screen as I finished with the ties at my waist. “He who?”
“Hans of course.” Mother chuckled then narrowed her eyes, head tilting toward her shoulder. “Why? Who did you think I was asking about?”
My body jerked and bumped into the wooden screen, almost knocking it over. “No, no. I was thinking of Hans. I just… Forgive me mother. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
Hopefully she couldn’t see the tremor in my steps as I crossed the room to my dresser, aiming for more to do so that I need not meet her gaze.
“So you are getting along, then?”
I pulled my brush through my hair and stared at my unruly copper strands in the mirror. My reflection revealed not just an untamed mess, but also flushed cheeks and a wariness in my eyes.
“Hans and I are getting along,” I replied.
“That’s wonderful.” She clapped her hands together. “Perhaps we could announce a proposal at your father’s birthday celebrations?”
I spun in my seat, clenching my fingers around the brush’s handle. “What?”
“It would make him and me very happy. You are still going to be around for his ball, right? You’re not leaving before it?”
My lungs tightened and it felt like a boulder had been set on my chest, crushing my ribs. Something churned in my stomach. Wrong. This is wrong. “There will be no proposals. I barely know the man and I’m leaving for an unknown amount of time.”
And in that moment, I knew for certain I didn’t want to get to know him further.
Hans wasn’t bad. He just wasn’t right for me.
I think I’d known it since we saw his information sheet, but had chosen to ignore my gut instinct in favor of appeasing the powers around me. Ancestors, what a mess I’d made.
“You can always give it a little more time,” Mother added. “Take him with you?”
Time wasn’t going to change my mind. Nor the thoughts of what I’d done with Halvar…
and wanted to do again. He was like breathing fresh air after a rainstorm—one he would no doubt try to fight away on my behalf, citing it as his job to do so.
Then he’d look at me with those eyes. Eyes that had seen bloodshed and terror—
“Freija? You seem lost in thought?”
I shook my head and set aside the brush. “I’m just… unsure and there is a lot going on.”
“I was too when I was courting. But when the right person comes along you will know.”
“You said that back with Edvard.”
“I did and the statement hasn’t changed.”
“Edvard wasn’t right.”
It had taken a while, but I’d known then too.
He hadn’t been the one. Neither was Hans.
There was a camaraderie, but no spark. No longing for moments of their time, for the hint of a smile, for touches that left lingering heat, and words that ignited a fire within my soul.
Only one person had made me feel like that in my almost two hundred years.
“Love can grow,” Mother continued, “and that spark will appear when you least expect it. Then it will morph into this beautiful thing that belongs only to the two of you. An understanding of one another. A comfort in knowing that this person will do everything they can to make your life special. From the small moments in the quiet, to the loud moments for the world to see.”
I clenched my hands in my lap and turned away, facing the mirror once more. Hopefully, she couldn’t see the way my fingers trembled.
“I think you and Hans would have beautiful children.”
This was too much. I needed to do the right thing for the mountain. For my people. But the pressure. The pageantry. The ancestors-damned promenading around with a man whom I got along well with but never dreamed of. Never longed to be with at the end of the day when the world had gone to sleep.
Instead, the person I thought of was a man I couldn’t have. A man fae society, the Council, and royal rules forbade me from being with. One I was about to spend a lot more time with—just us and some soldiers.
My chest heaved and I clenched my mouth shut, pulling in as much air as I could through my nose.
Mother appeared behind me and gave me a knowing look through the reflection. As if she thought my silence was a coy cover and not the panic it truly was. “Well. What do you think? Should the seamstresses start preparing a gown?”
It was too much.
Like the stone walls of my room were pushing inward, stealing space and air. Caging me in.
The need to escape filled every cell within me.
I needed to breathe.
I needed to stop this nonsense now.
With a shake of my head, I said, “No, Mother. I am about to leave the mountain and need to bring this courtship with Hans to a close.”
Her eyes softened while her brow etched with concern. “Freija?”
“He isn’t the one, and right now my focus needs to be on my work and safety.”
“I…” She took a step back and tugged at her sleeves. A drawn out sigh left her lips and she nodded. “Very well, if that is what you think you need to do.”
“It is.”