14. Alana
FOURTEEN
Finn has been missing all day, and I’m almost glad of it. I have only just gotten over keeping one secret from him, and now I have another to hold close to my chest.
Except, this one feels even more dangerous. Because who would believe that I am talking to a ghost? If I told Finn I was seeing Kayan’s spirit, and that we’d had a conversation, laughed, done magic together, talked for hours while the sun slowly rose, would he believe me?
I’m afraid he’d think I’d lost my mind.
I’m afraid I might be losing my mind.
First, the visions and the vivid dreams about Eldrion – a man I despise, but who can make me come in my sleep when he’s not even touching me. Now, this.
I have heard of fae communing with spirits. But I always thought they were rumours or tales to amuse children with, perhaps to comfort those who’ve lost someone. I never expected them to be true. And I certainly didn’t expect the spirit world to have such a strange, confusing set of rules.
Kayan tried to explain as best he could. But he doesn’t seem to understand, either. All he knows is that he was alive, then dead, and now he’s somewhere in between. And that he is here to ‘guide’ me, not ‘tell’ me what to do.
As much as I hate being told what to do, I can’t help but wish the spirits were a little more lenient in this regard. It is all I can do to keep my grip on reality; trying to interpret signs and signals from a ghost might prove a little too much to handle.
Kayan disappeared when the camp started to wake up.
I both long for him to return, and long for him not to.
Seeing him was glorious, but it was also hard because it forced me to remember how it felt to lose him.
I feel exhausted and the day has only just begun.
When I spot Briony talking with a group of Shadowkind, I wait patiently for her to finish and then wave to her. She heads in my direction, collecting coffee from the ration station on her way. “You look like you need this,” she says. “Are you all right?”
Instead of answering her, I nod in the direction of the Shadowkind, who are still muttering amongst themselves. “What’s going on?”
Since we arrived, the two factions of our camp have been divided, but matters have been getting worse over the past few days.
“They are not happy with Finn. He’s disappeared again, except this time Yarrow has promised he will return with information.”
“Information?”
Briony sips her coffee and shrugs. “Something to help us make a plan.”
I sigh and pinch my nose. I should be more concerned about what Finn is planning, but the visions haunting my dreams have distracted me from reality. “I thought escaping was the plan?” I ask, sitting down on the log by the fire because my legs are starting to ache with tiredness.
“It was.” Briony nods. “But there was always a bigger plan, too.”
I tilt my head. This is the first I’ve heard of there being more to the Shadowkind’s escape. “Bigger?”
Briony sighs a little. “I shouldn’t be telling you this,” she mutters. As she speaks, Kayan’s words filter back into my head. But how could he possibly suggest I shouldn’t trust her? She’s sharing things with me. See? She’s my friend.
Unless she is manipulating me and what she’s about to say is not true.
I try to push the thoughts from my mind. As I do, I’m certain I see Kayan’s shadow flickering in the distance. Beyond the fire.
I ignore it.
“Finn has always talked about overthrowing Eldrion,” she sighs. “Honestly, I thought that it was all bluster. That as soon as we escaped, he’d realise we’re better off running as far away from Luminael as possible. But...” She looks worried now, her eyes wide, her small wings rustling nervously. “Yarrow is a bad influence,” she says, grimacing. “He is reckless. And he hates the Sunborne.”
“As should you,” Finn’s voice interrupts us from behind, making me jump to my feet, wings fluttering, purple light trickling outward and fizzling away into the air.
Briony stands slowly.
Finn tilts his head and folds his arms in front of his chest. “Do you not hate them, Briony? For what they have done to us?” He makes a show of fluttering his tattered wings. The chime of the bells both arouses me, because it reminds me of all those times he was between my legs or inside me, and makes me shudder. Because of what they mean.
“Finn, you know I will always support you. It’s just... we’re free. Shouldn’t we –”
“You call this freedom?” Finn’s voice rises in volume, and a look crosses his face that I haven’t seen before. I want to slip my hand into his and calm him down, but something tells me my involvement won’t be welcome.
With a flourish, Finn strides to the centre of the clearing and claps his hands. “Everyone,” he calls. “Gather around. Leafborne, Shadowkind... everyone.”
Yarrow looks up from where he was sitting whittling an arrowhead out of wood, then stands slowly and is the first to join Finn by the fire.
Slowly, the others join, too.
Gathered with the Leafborne, Maura barely looks at me. Hatred swells around her every time she is near me or Finn or the Shadowkind.
I wish I could find a way to make her remember that moment in the cellar. When I helped them all. You took away their grief. Kayan is beside me. I can feel him. I see it now, Alana, he says. Why didn’t you tell me? It was magnificent. You are...
I shake my head, trying to dislodge his voice from my consciousness so I can listen to what Finn is saying.
Don’t just listen to their words, Kayan mutters. And then he is gone.
Is he talking about Finn? Or Briony? Perhaps Yarrow?
How am I supposed to know when my mind is already so confused?
“It is time we discussed our next steps.” Like this, Finn looks masterful. No longer the court jester but a worthy leader. The past few days, his energy has waned, but now, the spark in his eyes is back.
He puts his hands on his hips and stares out at the others.
“We are not free,” he says, glaring at Briony. “We are out of the castle, but we are still living under Eldrion’s shadow. Confined to these woods. Unable to leave for fear of being recaptured. By him. By Gloomweavers.”
A murmur of agreement goes around in both groups of fae. At last, the Leafborne and the Shadowkind agree on something.
“Even if we flee from here, we will never be free. Look at what happened to the Leafborne...” He turns to them, his voice softening. “You were captured, torn from your village, and brought to the castle. And there is not a corner of the kingdom far enough away that Eldrion couldn’t reach us if he wanted to. Unless we live under a protection shield for the rest of our days. Locked in a leafy green cage instead of a stone one.”
“So what do you suggest?” It is Maura who speaks, crossing her arms and striding forward. “What do you plan, jester?”
“Before I tell you what I plan... I need to show you something. All of you.” Finn’s entire stance has stiffened. His body is coiled tight, fists clenched at his sides. He strides toward the fire. “We all know that the Shadowkind have long been repressed by the Sunborne.”
“And that all other fae have turned a blind eye to it because it doesn’t affect them,” Yarrow adds darkly, looking at the Leafborne.
Pen jerks forward as if he’s about to object to Yarrow’s words, but Maura puts her hand out to stop him. “Let them speak,” she says calmly, assessing them with her glimmering eyes as her wings beat slowly behind her.
At her feet, the ground glows green. A warning? Or a coincidence? The earth responding to her emotions? Or a hint that Finn needs to be careful not to forget that the Leafborne are the only ones here with any actual magic.
Ignoring her, Finn strides towards the fire and reaches into his pocket. “I want to show you all something,” he says. “Because I am afraid we have all forgotten the atrocities our ancestors suffered at the hands of Lord Eldrion and his family. In fact, at the hands of all Sunborne. For generations. For centuries.”
The crowd goes quiet. I move a little closer to Briony. Beyond the fire, I’m certain I see Kayan’s blue shadow moving amongst the Leafborne. Watching, listening.
What is Finn doing?
I try to catch his gaze, to look for reassurance, but he does not look in my direction. Instead, he begins to pace up and down.
“I think some of us here need to be reminded exactly how bad things have been and could be again. For we have been living in relatively peaceful times. Eldrion uses his strength now and then to scare us into submission, but largely we have been left unharmed as long as we do as we are commanded to do.”
A trickle of ice-like fear drips down my spine, spreading through my body. Although my gates are closed, the unease radiating from both groups of fae presses up against them, knocking, pounding, demanding to be let in.
Finn takes something from his pocket. It looks like a small, velvet bag. He opens the neck and dips in his hand, then spins towards the fire and throws in a handful of dust.
It blooms purple, bright, white, then deep, then the flames jump higher.
A tidal wave of heat hits my face. I jolt backwards, and so do the others, but Finn tells us to come closer.
“Look into the flames,” he commands. Above us, despite it still being daylight, the sky is darkening. “Look into the flames and concentrate on what you see. Remember it. Absorb it. For this is the reason we must rid ourselves of Eldrion and his kind. This is the reason running away and hiding will not save us.”
The sky darkens further. Storm clouds gather, and a crack of purple lightning forks down towards us. It catches a tree, and the branches immediately catch light. A murmur passes round the group. Fearful mutterings. A water fae steps forward to dampen the flames, but Finn shakes his head.
“Wait,” he says.
The flames turn to smoke. Deep purple smoke that drifts down from the tree and creeps across the ground. It grips my ankles. It is warm and cold at the same time, sending needle-like pricks of discomfort up towards my knees, my thighs, my hips.
I stretch out my arms. The smoke is enveloping all of me now. I look for Briony. She is gone. All I see is smoke and, flickering behind it in the distance, Kayan’s blue light.
I try to move towards him, but my feet will not budge. I am stuck to the spot.
And then it starts.
Screaming.
So loud it makes me slam my hands over my ears and screw my eyes shut. It is a scream full of anguish, and dismay, like a body breaking from the inside out. Over and over and over again.
When I open my eyes, I am standing in a field. But it is not daylight. It is dark. The moon shines brightly.
In front of me, a group of young fae. Perhaps fifteen, sixteen years old. Wide-eyed. Practically babies, even though they think they are adults.
They hold hands, shaking, trembling.
Their attire is not like ours. It is older, reminiscent of that I’ve seen in textbooks that detail our culture from the dawn of the fae, through the golden ages, up to now.
Another comes into view. This fae, however, is not a child. She has silvery hair and piercing, emerald eyes. She paces up and down in front of them. Then she clicks her fingers.
A group of Sunborne – I know they are Sunborne because of their ethereal complexions and their enormous wings – step up from behind her and form a line. One by one, they approach the shaking young fae.
I study their faces. Their wings are small, but all fae of that age have small wings. We do not develop our adult wings until we are fifty years old, and it is only then that our powers fully bloom.
But there is something about them; the wide eyes, the sallow skin, the fear.
They are Shadowkind.
The fae pacing towards them hold ropes. Not the kind Finn used in his displays in court, or the kind we used when we played with each other’s pleasure.
These ropes are solid, metal, silver perhaps.
The first fae to fall to their knees is a girl. Long red hair, freckles. She could be me.
She begins to cry silent tears as the ropes are wrapped around her, her wings pressed so tightly against her small body that I can see the metal digging into her delicate skin.
She sobs, screams, wails. Then the others start. The sounds bring nausea to my throat.
The scene changes.
We are in a large wooden cabin, a dormitory perhaps. The girl is trying to free herself from the ropes. She is struggling so hard that her skin is becoming red raw and inflamed.
Things change again. She is older now. The rope is still tight. Her wings have drooped, lost their colour. She looks broken.
She takes a knife.
She brings it to her wing.
“No,” I whisper. “Don’t do that... don’t do that to yourself.”
She hesitates, then she throws the knife to the ground and pummels the nearest tree with her fists.
After that, a million other images pummel my brain.
A young fae boy lies curled on the ground, his wings bent at an unnatural angle. His sobs echo through the air, pure, unadulterated agony.
A Shadowkind woman, her belly swollen with child, is held down by Sunborne guards. A hooded figure approaches, a glinting blade in hand, and begins to cut away at her wings, even as she screams and begs for mercy.
I want to look away, but I am frozen, trapped. Tears stream down my face, my heart shattering inside my chest.
Finally, mercifully, the visions begin to fade. The smoke dissipates. We are back in the clearing. Everyone is weeping. Only Maura is dry-eyed, but she turns away and walks to a nearby tree, bracing her hand on its trunk and breathing slowly. Using the earth to ground her.
Finn steps forward, his own eyes red-rimmed and haunted. “Do you see now?” he asks. “Do you remember what they did to us?”
The Shadowkind answer as one. “Yes,” they whisper almost in unison. “We remember.”
Finn turns to the Leafborne. He stalks toward them. “And you,” he says. “Will you stand with us in our fight, or will you turn a blind eye like you have always done?”
For a moment, there is silence. The Leafborne look terrified. Not one of them glances in my direction.
But then, to my surprise, Maura turns around and slowly steps forward. She draws herself up to her full height, her green-tinged wings flaring out behind her.
“We will stand with you,” she says.
“Maura...” Pen speaks up, but she hushes him immediately.
“For too long, we have been complicit in the suffering of the Shadowkind. We have looked the other way, telling ourselves that it was not our fight, not our problem.”
She looks around at her fellow Leafborne, her eyes blazing. “But no more. They helped us escape. Now we will help them.”
For a moment, there is complete silence. Then Pen sighs heavily, looks around at the others, and purposefully steps forward. “Tell us what you need us to do.”